Troop (I'm sure jokingly) suggested that I write about how attractive women deal with unwanted attention. The request surprised me in a couple of ways. For one, I don't feel near any kind of authority on this. And if am considered to have bloomed at all, it was very late in life, so as far as I'm concerned - attention? I am grateful to be paid attention to. But this topic also caused me to ponder the differences more attention has made in my life. I have known what it is like to be offered something of value (be nice!) largely because someone found me attractive or because I got noticed (same thing, really). Attractive people easily have an advantage in job offers, for example. There are clear advantages to having above average looks. Looks have value, am I right?
If attractiveness can be considered as having a value, then where is the real burden of that value? We don't tax it - not that I would ever suggest that. I'm thinking at minimum, it would be a kind thing if most of the "burden" of unwanted attention were gracefully borne. I'm sure there are many who already do, if their beauty is more than skin deep.
Personally, people who have benefitted from a lifetime of attractiveness garner as much sympathy from me for unwanted attention as "dead broke" Hillary Clinton does for having to live on only a mere few million dollars. I don't begrudge the wealth, I honestly don't (although I'm sure I've been envious of it), but I find whining about it unseemly. And don't even get me started on the people who, having all that wealth, consider themselves better than others and believing such are often unkind and full of themselves.
Getting back to advantages, if you're attractive you get "picked" a lot. You know what I mean. Even for things someone else is way more qualified or suited for. Who hasn't wanted to be picked? We all do. So for the attractive crowd out there, may I suggest dancing with the not-so-attractive guy more often, ladies (and vice versa for you attractive men out there)? Not only because someone has screwed up enormous courage to ask, but because very often they have MUCH more to offer than a pretty face, just like you! And if you don't already, when it is wise and kind, consider gracefully bearing that unwanted attention. Odds are that extra attention has served you well.
60 comments:
In my computer consulting business, I get to work with all sorts of businesses & therefore all sorts of people.
Every now & then one of the staffers will be a truly beautiful woman. Once, I was discussing restaurants, in particular steak places, and I mentioned that a well-known steak place in the DC area was good, but it was quite expensive, as in $100 per person from start to finish.
Her response: "Oh, I don't worry about that. When I go out to those steak houses with my girl friend, we never end up paying. Some guy always ends up paying the check for us."
What the guy paying the tab sometimes may have gotten, if anything, was left up to my imagination.
Exactly.
And btw, I believe the guys paying the tabs most often get the company of beautiful women "gracing" their tables and that's all. Seriously.
You can't take it with you, and it won't last forever, so let me at it ladies. Let's enjoy your hotness together while we have it.
Great post. The Obama administration is looking into taxing Frequent Flyer miles and hotel points. If they tax attractiveness, as you opine, Hollywood would revolt. So, it won't happen. I know you were just kidding.
Having walked into hundreds, maybe thousands of law offices in my career, they almost always have hottie receptionists.
Thanks Nick.
And of course the hottie receptionist is by design. It's smart business.
Not knocking the beautiful set, just saying that there is not a whole lot of downside. Unless you are a very shallow person, and then your whole world is over when your looks fade.
I always tell people "Don't hate me because I am beautiful."
But they seem to hate my anyway.
*Wonders if he can dance at all well*
Not knocking the beautiful set, just saying that there is not a whole lot of downside.
One of my best friends in high school and the first year or two of college was breathtakingly beautiful, and a truly good person and fun to be with to boot.
But there was what I thought a pretty big downside -- virtually every guy she dated*, even just once, wanted to marry her, and she really did have some trouble fending them off. And then there were the stalker types.
*this was a long time ago, when "dated" meant a hamburger and a movie, and not a whole lot more
Men have a similar situation. Taller men are more likely to be hired, and to be paid more than shorter men of equal competence and and experience.
Taller men are more likely than shorter men to be approached in bars, or in other social situations.
To balance it out, though, taller men don't live as long, on average, as shorter men. Serves them right, the bastards.
Oh wait. Shorter men have less fun and success, but a longer life during which to be resentful.
I can't win.
@Lydia
Ahh...well, she was the whole package, then. Who wouldn't want to marry her?
But yeah, point taken. It is emotionally difficult for kind hearts to reject others, no matter how gently.
Outer beauty is fleeting, though, while inner beauty keeps growing and growing as one ages, if one keeps working at it.
That struck me when I attended the 30th anniversary of my high school graduation. It was surprising to see that the people I thought really had it made in terms of looks and potential when they were 18 didn't look so good at 48. In fact, most of them seemed to have had pretty unhappy lives.
The average people (my crowd, no doubt about that) mostly turned out to be interesting, happy and successful in middle age.
Time heals many things.
LOL, Michael!
And tall man consistently get called "big guy", and expected to carry things, among other things.
Great post, Darcy.
Cheap plastic surgery in SoKo is making facial beauty easier to come by.
But if more sneeches have stars upon thars, then what?
Unless you are a very shallow person, and then your whole world is over when your looks fade.
Exactly. And what Bago said too. If you have the looks, eventually nature will take its course and those looks will fade. Enjoy what you have. Don't flaunt it because one day you just won't have it. And looks are not that important. Really. Personality. Common interests. Sense of humor. Courtesy. Kindness. Honor, and a whole lot of other traits are much more important than how you look. Men and women both.
This is sort of the flip side of unwanted attention.
I'm old now (my husband still assures me that I'm hot...but that might be because I'm making his meals /wink) However, (not trying to sound conceited) when I was young single, in high school and in college, the downside to being considered attractive, in my mind, was that guys who were unsure about making a move and who I actually admired and liked would not approach me. I took a lot of science type classes and the guys in that circle were what we would classify as nerdy today, were not real socially adept and would shy away when approached. So...no dating with the guys that attracted me because they were unapproachable. Probably because they had been treated badly and it is a protective thing. I don't blame them.
Girls today are used to making the first moves.....it wasn't considered a good thing back in the stone ages that I grew up in.
Keats: A thing of beauty is a joy forever.
Feminist: Objectifying! Dude's objectifying!!
@Pogo
I loved that Suess story. :)
@DBQ I can totally see that. Not only that you were/are a hottie, but that there was an intimidation factor/barrier. It is definitely a downside. As you said, there are a great many people whose attractiveness is mostly and abundantly on the inside.
Interestingly, I used to roll my eyes at the beautiful woman/rich man combo. Superficial, I sniffed. I have a different take on that now. I do think beautiful women are attracted to rich men often initially because of their riches; however, I think they happen upon a consistent group of qualities that are as attractive as wealth.
Hard working, smart, creative, ambitious, etc. Those are very attractive qualities by themselves.
I was never burdened with attractiveness. I would have liked to have had some, but it wasn't on the parts list when I was assembled, so there you go.
So I read a lot, starting in grade school. I learned how to have a conversation with anyone. I learned how to listen to other people, and how to show interest in and curiosity about the things they say.
I learned how to seek out people who were (and are) like me, and how to make friends with them. And how to stay friends with them.
And how to marry one.
Like most things, it all works out in the end.
Oh, this reminds me of a true thing that really happened. Some dude met an attractive gal and they go home together to her house for coffee and for him to see her sketches and etchings for she is an artist. Notice the switch to present tense for these things must be related in present. It can happen to you.
Instead of coffee they have more cocktails and judgement and moral balance slip. They decide to sleep together tonight and she sign his waver affirming the decision is mutual and made in sound mind.
The woman does not want to mess up her expensive linen with expensive makeup so she sits at her vanity and wipes off her lipstick, removes her blush applies face cream to wipe away her foundation. She takes off her extended eyelashes and carefully places them their own tiny etui.
Etui is a small decorative case for sewing needles, thread, and small items, cosmetics and such, it is an excellent crossword fill word due to its shortness and being mostly vowels, it can often crack open a gnarly corner. It is considered crosswordese, a "gimme." Nobody uses the word in real life, nonetheless that is where she puts her false eyelashes.
She also removes her wig which isn't a full kind of wig, rather, a patch of supplemental hair, for she is not the type person who goes for extensions, and carefully places it on its head bust mannequin.
She unsnaps her padded bra and carefully folds it.
She continues to undress the man is a bit taken aback when when she removes her wooden leg and leans it against two walls in a corner. Feeling the alcohol the man chirps in good nature, "When you get to the good part toss it over."
Such is beauty.
Oh, you heard that already.
Fine then.
I turned on the teevee just in time to see two young attractive heavily made up obviously natural blond women talking to each other face to face. Assessing by extreme makeup, hair, nails, clothing, my thought in that moment is "high maintenance" The first thing the woman on the right says is, "Part of the problems with being attractive..." *click*
My second thought after clicking, "How unattractive. Cartoons are better."
YoungHegelian reminded me of the Fort. A restaurant I mentioned several times because of the book.
We went there together as a group after selling a house. My younger brother, his male construction coworker, the mature female real estate agent and I.
It was close to James' birthday so I had a pop-up card in one of my cargo pants pockets and whipped it out even though is actual birthday is a few days off.
The card was a drawing of a ram on the front with the words "Happy boif day" My brother did not understand. I silently signed "open" as a book.
And inside the words "two ewes."
With two pop-up sheep aligned on the central fold similar to this ewe in a pond.
This was before I began photographing cards.
All three squeed and nearly pissed themselves over the card. They never saw anything like it handmade. Seeing their reaction was great. Their fuss created a ruckus and eventually the card was passed along nearby tables. But I did not see all that because I was having trouble and left the table for a fairly long period.
What kind of trouble? Let me just say, they need more than one stall in the bathroom at the Fort. It's not fair to other guests when one stall is monopolized for so long by one single guest.
When I returned and sat down James looking serious said, "Chip, we got a problem."
I go, "What?"
The real estate agent suggested she pay the whole bill.
I instantly go, GREAT!
All three burst out laughing at my fast answer, instant solution to their imagined quandary because in their world that is some kind of problem. I figured she just made a fortune off us, and we did most the work preparing the sale anyway, graciously take what is offered. The two men never considered such a male/female relations attitude possible. But it was the speed of reaction that got them.
I like that story, Chip. Uh, the second one. First one, haha! :)
And Michael...pshaw. We can see you there in that avy!
Haz loves to use the Cheesehead phrase, "to boot." He is the consummate brandy, fish fry, Cheesehead.
"To boot" is all right. But nothing comes close to Brooklyn's "the thing of it is!"
I met a very attractive lady once - late 30s to early 40s,dressed like your typical suburban upper middle class woman - twill skirt, IZOD polo shirt, nice little bob to the hair.
A knockout.
Also a nun.
I asked her what she did when the inevitable advances were made and she just said, "You try to let them down easily".
Maybe not always possible, but a good attitude.
I assume this happens to most of us, but as I've aged I grown more and more attracted to older women. I still appreciate the beauty of a younger woman, and it's not just a facing reality thing either. I am honestly turned on more by older women, and the age at which they turn me on most keeps getting older. This is, of course, a blessing.
My 54 year old girlfriend is the sexiest woman I have ever known. I'm more physically attracted to her than I ever was to the twenty year olds I knew in college. Most men would say that yea she's an attractive woman for her age, but she is in her 50's, so why is the physical attraction I have for her this near insanity. It doesn't seem logical. It's something that happens entirely in my head, and is only partly related to her looks. What a gift that is. I wish we could just turn that on at will, and make it true for whoever we are with. I don't think either of us understands the mechanism at work, and I know she doesn't realize how powerful it is over me. I'm obsessed. If she knew, she would probably either run for safety or use it to beat me into submission on anything she wants. Let's keep it on the down low, shall we - shhhhhhhh. The great thing is that this happens at this age, and that is just a fantastic thing. It doesn't make natural sense since we are well past breeding age, so all this agnostic can say is "Thank you, God. That is very nice of you, and much appreciated."
Wealth is the greatest aphrodisiac. I mean once you've been driven to his (or her) hidden home at the end of that long winding driveway there's no going back to the pathetic fifteen foot driveway in front of your shack!
@Darcy - you're too kind.
Measurements! I want measurements for dutch's nun and bagoh's lady NOW!
Oh, that's positively lovely, bagoh.
And lol, Rick.
The older I get the more ridiculous it looks to me when I see some old dude with a really young chick.
Last summer we went really, really late to Marco Polo for coctails. About one in the morning. But they were still open for some reason. When I got to the bar I noticed that the owner was talking to this really old grizzled dude. In his seventies if he was a day. Really tough looking dude with lots of scars. Then I recognized him. He is the guy who took over Brooklyn for the Gambinos. They saw us come in and the owner came over to say hello and they moved over to a table to continue their discussion. When the guy went to leave he took his lady with him. She looked to be about seventeen.
Not that I was going to say anything about it.
"The card was a drawing of a ram on the front with the words "Happy boif day" My brother did not understand. I silently signed "open" as a book.
And inside the words "two ewes.'"
Huzzah!
I was telling my wife that I have never been hit on by a girl in my whole life and she laughed and named 3 women we knew that had done so in front of her.
I said I didn't notice so does it still count and she said she was glad I was ignorant and stay that way.
I was made for her, so a malfunctioning awareness-o-meter is fine with me.
I think she was lying to make me feel better though.
She's nice that way.
lol, Pogo.
Nopes. It's just that you only have eyes for one gal.
@Troop
Yeah, the very old/very young thing...I still sniff at. Heh. I don't get.
Perhaps when I'm very old... :)
Beauty Beauty...
You are a sweety and a cutey.
I'm a sucker for you...
Screw that hatchet face Duty.
Trooper York said...
The older I get the more ridiculous it looks to me when I see some old dude with a really young chick
Also costly.
Donald Sterling?
I have always been cursed with the necessity of having to "like" a woman before any kind of intimacy, even short term. Come on, that is down right weird according to my frat brothers in college. Still, it is how I am. And as the women I've liked age they still seem beautiful to me, and in some case, like my better half, they weigh exactly what they did as teenagers....and remain fit like I only wish I could. I've loved her for several reasons, among them her clean scrubbed sexiness that is still apparent today. She is smarter than me in many ways, even if not as many credentials. Big whoop.
I think I've said it before that of all the women I've ever uttered "I love you" (total of 6) to even to this day I am fond of them and great them warmly if and when we meet...including my ex-wife. In the long run, I had never had a harsh break up, usually we just had to go separate ways and did so. I have no memories of regret when it comes to the women I have loved at one time or another. The current object of my affection has been the same one now for nearly 35 years. And she is still the smart ass fearless waif I fell in love with long ago.
So Darcy, attractiveness and a core that reflects the same thing make for real beauty. Beauty just gives you a head start, but without the core, well for one thing, you'd not have had to sense to write this post. :-)
My late wife, Myrna, was a breathtaking beauty.
One of her favorite sayings (among many) was: "If you've got it flaunt it."
She thought of her beauty as a gift that everybody should enjoy.
For all us old married guys like me and Pogo and Michael H and chickie and spinelli and all of the rest of youse who have a woman who married down this is for your ladies!
Good looks definitely help. Of course, not having looks often makes someone work harder, and working hard definitely helps (you get stronger and more capable by doing that).
Some people with good looks get lazy (intellectually, etc.) and that in the long run hurts because good looks rarely stick around forever.
And while I consider steak houses an abomination, many older men treat good looking younger women to dinner just for the chance to have them sit and talk to them.
Troop, I played that tune with a 10 piece Do Wop group a few months ago.
The tonality is so odd and haunting.
What a loss it is that the romantic longing of that era is no longer in fashion.
I understand that people of the same general level of attractiveness end up together. There are exceptions.
Great post Darcy. I think its unseemly that beautiful people complain about the "burden" of being good looking. Which is why I rarely talk about the unwanted female attention my fabulous looks and strong manly legs attracts.
I prefer to suffer in silence.
"When the guy went to leave he took his lady with him. She looked to be about seventeen."
No doubt his niece. I agree it looks silly though. Sterling was a perfect example, although some old dudes can pull it off.
Its not just looks, its voices. Had a co-worker who was average everything, but had an incredibly attractive baritone voice. He sounded like a CEO. Women found him irresistible and he ended up being an exec, mainly because every commonplace thing he said, sounded so authoritative.
There used to be a rule for women in particular: You didn't accept expensive gifts from men. I think the purpose of this was two-fold:
1) You didn't give the guy any sense that you were obligated to him.
2) You didn't take advantage of guys unknowingly.
3) You didn't create an unhealthy one-sided relationship.
Now that that's gone, you have guys convincing themselves that #1 isn't happening ("No, no, I want to buy you this car. It'll make me happy."), and women convincing themselves that #2 isn't happening ("No, no, it makes him happy to bankrupt himself for me and listen to me complain about all the guys I'm banging who don't care about me.")
You got a lot of #3 going on as a result. And it's not just money, either.
Hopefully, Darcy is using her newfound beauty for good and not evil.
Ever since I can remember, at age 2, starting with my own beautiful mother, I've always liked the pretty girls. And, being the extrovert I am, I've always let them know. None of that stupid "negging" game for me. Just go right up and say hey you're pretty as can be I like you wanna be friends? Lucky for me, many of them over the years have said yes.
Look, it's just as easy to fall in love with a pretty girl as an ugly girl.
The only problem is guys are always hitting on your girl and then you have to fight them.
If Trooper had asked me to do this post, I'd have simply written "It ain't easy being me". Heh.
@blake
I'm sure I've done all of that.
Darce--
That doesn't sound like you. You strike me more as the "reluctant to take something unearned, even if you really need it, even from a friend you've helped out many times before" type.
@blake
Another direct hit. Prideful!
;) Teasing you.
Thanks everyone, for the thoughtful comments!
It's a tightrope act, isn't it?
You have pride on the one side and avarice on the other, and if you wobble to one side or the other, there's always someone there to tell you you don't believe in virtue, or you'd be walking perfectly straight all the time. Screeching in outrage about your impropriety while wallowing in a pit of their own (but it doesn't count for them, because they don't believe in your silly morals, don't you see?).
Thank God for grace and forgiveness.
"It's a tightrope act, isn't it? You have pride on the one side and avarice on the other"
Lust in front of you and rage behind.
God's grace and redemption through Jesus are givens. So the question is: What direction are you going to choose in your heart today, in this world?
Pride or humility?
Avarice or charity?
Lust or chastity?
Anger or patience?
None of those vices or virtues with get you into or keep you out of Jesus's eternal love. But they can make life on earth either hellish or heavenly.
TILT!
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