The case of the missing documents

 

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you know it has been many years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and several years since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass-stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance in an entirely different matter.

It has come to the attention of the Yard that certain top secret and confidential papers have been removed from the National Archives and have been found among the personal papers of a former prime minister. In a clandestine search of the abode of the recently deceased Prime Minister Lord Salisbury several very important confidential records regarding the Boer War were to be found among the personal papers in his study. These papers were marked Top Secret and are prohibited by both law and common practice from being removed from the archives of the government. These including many incriminating documents from prior administrations including several salacious letters from Lord Gladstone to underage soiled doves and quite a few indecipherable musings in Hebrew from that most disreputable Disraeli. When this discovery was brought to the attention of Prime Minister Balfour, he demanded that it be covered up. This is understandable since he is Lord Salisbury's nephew but still it rankles many of those at the Yard. 

I write to you in hopes that you might reach out to your brother Mycroft who still has contacts with Security Services even in retirement. The Yard would like to avail itself of the opportunity that this presents to cobble together a united front to investigate this odious breach in security and find some way to prevent it in the future.

I will note that the only item that was released to the Yard and the public was what can only be described as a recipe from the time of King George the Third who had outlined in his own hand the necessaires for a beef dish that he had learned to prepare in Hamburg before he took up the reign as King of England. It appears that Lord Salisbury has adapted this recipe and demanded that it be served to him every night as his only form of sustenance. It is passing strange that this is the only legacy that has been passed down from a figure who has been some important to history of the realm.

Something is just not quite right about this whole affair.

Please give my best to your brother Mycroft who I recall has moved to countryside of Yorkshire to work on his art. I know that in addition to his deeply felt devotion to the collection of artistic pieces, he has become a gourmet who revels in epicurean ecstasy provide by his personal chef. I know he eschews traditional English fare such as the meat pie and the Toad in the Hole, but I am quite sure he is enamored of a good Spotted Dick. If he can at all be helpful, I would be greatly appreciative.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade

November 12, 1903

The Case of the Holiday Horror

 My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you well know it has been many years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and also quite some time since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance with respect to these horrible people.

As you know we often review old case files in an attempt to discern if circumstances have changed or new information has come to light. It seems that things have changed in the loathsome prescient of that disreputable slattern Lady Chatterley and her brutish consort. 

 

As you must be aware they had ceased holding the salon for which they had so unjustly been renowned. They seem to have thrown out the obsequious lickspittles and unctuous toadies that made up their circle. It seems once they were left to their own devices they have turned the violence they once did to civilized discourse upon each other. All of which seems to have come to a head when the last cask of fetid wine had been broken and there was nothing for the swinish lady of the house to consume. In fact if you can credit it the wine was purveyed in a box in stead of good English Oak!  She thus turned her wrath upon her unfortunate consort who left to find solace in any way he could. As you know this scene is often reenacted on Holidays when they are left to their own putrid company. This is not the first time this unfortunate occurrence has become part of the police blotter.

It seems that the unfortunate knave who serves as body servant, gardener and barber to the surly harridan decided to flee and eventually wandered into a tavern along the way and fell into conflict with the happy patrons who were well unaware of his existence. He began a contrempt's with a jolly fat man who was regaling the tap room with witticisms and a stoic carpenter who was instructing the room about various insect infestations when the beaten down body servant came in to cause a most unnecessary conflict. Luckily he was tossed outside by the tavern occupants and conspired to wander aimlessly about looking for solace in his life of abject misery.

There is naught for either of us to do but I thought you might like to be informed of the status of these  nefarious people as you wished to hear about the flea infestation of the Hound of the Baskervilles and the cheese addiction of the Giant Rat of Sumatra. In any event I thought it best to keep you apprised of the latest doings in good time.

Please give my best to your brother Mycroft who I hope is enjoying his retirement from the Foreign Office. I know he misses both the Foreign Office and the Foreign Orifices he came in contact with during his time in government. I trust he knows that a quiet life in retirement is the best outcome considering his last exploits when last in London. None the less please give him my regards. 

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898