Whose your Daddy Mr. President?

George Washington did not have a long relationship with his father Augustine who died when the future president was only eleven. The cause of his father’s untimely demise is not recorded although legend has it that his wife Mary nagged him to death. Washington’s mother did indeed nag him unmercifully his entire life to the point that he ran away to join the milita and felt dodging bullets and Indian arrows was much preferable to letting his mother nag him to death as well. Augustine Washington did bequeath to his son 64 slaves, the Strother plantation and the ability to tune out the voice of any woman no matter how loud or long she might harangue him. This caused some difficultly during his Presidency because in Cabinet Meetings he could never follow what Thomas Jefferson had to say as he had a high pitched womanish voice much like that of Jennifer Tilly. This disaffection led to the creation of the two party system and the rise of political parties in the fledging United States.
(Whose You’re Daddy, Presidential Fathers, Doris Kearns Godwin, Bantam Books, 1998)

Dear Dad

September 10, 2001

Dear Poppy,

I hope all is good with you and Mom. Laura and I plan to come up to Kennebunkport next weekend. We both love Maine in the fall. It is beautiful weather and it shapes up to be a perfect week. Laura and the twins will go up first and I will be there on Saturday night.

I am having trouble with Congress. Just the way you did. The Democrats just won't agree to do anything I want to do. I know I have to a couple of things to keep the crazies in the party happy. I need to  pretend that I am pro-life as that stupid march is coming up. You think these yahoos would stop worrying about these stupid abortions. It is mostly the blacks anyway. Or the slutty white girls. So who cares about that. Still and all I will follow you advice and keep the rubes happy. It is little enough to keep the holly rollers on the team.

We are still having some problems with the Arabs. King Fahd has been in touch. He has sent the duck decoys he promised to Switzerland. So all is good. You can tell the other members of the executive committee next month at the Grove that all is in readiness. I have a decoy for each of them.

The Secret Service and the CIA has let me know that the dunce is really far gone. His Alzheimer's is over the top and he sounds as loopy as Mom does when she has too many PBR's and is watching midget wrestling. So we have a free hand. I think the Chamber of Commerce will be really happy. We can grease the skids and get them a bunch of cheap wetback laborers. John McCain says his daughter needs a new nanny so we can hook him up. Maybe that will shut him up. Otherwise I will let him test fly one of our new stealth fighters. He will crash it for sure and that will be one less problem.

Dad just one thing. Can you stop grabbing the maids cooter. It upsets them and Mom gets all riled up. I am going to send you over a Mexican. Just the way you like them. Fat and with white hair. She kind of looks like George Washington with hemorrhoids. You can grab her ass all you want. She don't speaka the English. So enjoy yourself just don't let Mom see you. I know you will help me out here.

All in all everything looks good. Thank you for all that you have done to prepare me for this job. I won't let you down. I won't let our friends in the Trilateral commission or our allies in Rittenhouse down either. It is all going according to plan. It is only smooth sailing from here on in.

Your loving son,
W

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I just wanted to write to you to tell you how I am faring out here in Hollywood. It has been a tough go but I have finally landed a part in a picture. It is a very small part but I will do my best as you have always taught me to do. I won't get any credit. I am just what they call an extra. I am in a crowd scene but it is pretty important so it will definitely be in the picture.

It is very exciting. The film stars Claude Rains and that sweater girl. You might have heard of her. Lana Turner. She was discovered in Scwabs drugstore. She is very pretty but not very nice.

Most of the other actors are very kind to someone like me just starting out. I met Elisha Cook who you might not know but is a very famous character actor. He has been in many movies and is a great actor. I hope people as many people will know me as they know him. But I don't think I will ever be that famous.

The politics of this movie are right up your ally. It is about the rich people taking advantage of the little guy. I know you and your New Deal friends will really like it.

Dad I hope you are taking care of Mom. I know she can be very strong in her faith but she only does it because she loves you. She has written me to say that you have begun drinking again. You promised me that you would stop. Or at least take it easy and not be a burden on her. I can't help from far away. I can send you a few dollars which I enclose in this envelope. Please use it wisely.

Dad I love you. You should know that your example is always with me. I get along with people because I follow your example. A smile and a joke and a happy story always seems to put people at ease. You taught me that.

Please take care of yourself and Mom. I will write to you again soon.

You loving son
Ronnie (the fat little Dutchman)

Whose you're Daddy, Presidential Fathers

James Buchanan had a troubled relationship with his father. A distant and somewhat effeminate man, James Buchanan Sr. had eleven children who strangely enough looked totally different from him or each other. Young James Buchanan Jr. was much closer to his mother Elizabeth Speer a scion of the German family that produced such luminaries as the Third Reich’s Albert Speer. He spent much of his youth helping her at the family business the Buchanan hotel until an unfortunate incident with a young woman and a spring pump and a kitchen knife. Young Master Buchanan was sent off to boarding school never to return but he did enjoy dressing in some of his mother’s discarded homespun frocks so he might feel closer to her.

He was estranged from his father for the remainder of his life but strangely enjoyed calling his roommate of many decades, Senator and later Vice President William Rufus King by his pet diminutive of Daddy. Unlike Andrew Jackson who called them Nancy and Fancy. Not that theres anything wrong with that.
(Whose You’re Daddy, Presidential Fathers, Doris Kearns Godwin, Bantam Books, 1998)