It sits there quietly, waiting, a soft hum coming from its brain, a dull glow from its LEDs. Waiting, waiting, patiently waiting. It knows that before much more time passes it will be called upon to Save The Investments.
It waits for cloying and facile politicians to propose, plead for, nay demand a $10 per hour minimum wage for all base jobs in America. "Living wage!!" they will scream full throated before cameras and microphones and publishers and editors and cable talkie hosts who never studied economics.
Voters will respond. Voters will vote. Unions will fund ad campaigns. Laws will be made or Executive Orders signed, and a $10 per hour minimum wage will be The Law Of The Land.
Telephone calls will be made, permits and contractors aligned, and fast food stores remodeled. All so you can get this.....
.....without human intervention. A credit/debit card, a tap on a few buttons and this is delivered to you. One hundred percent fresh, perfect, and made by a robot.
Not just any robot, but the Momentum Machines gourmet hamburger making robot. Coming very soon to a fast food restaurant near you. "What do it do?" you ask.
Well friends, we got burgers. We got burgers right here. Burgers with a capital B right here in River City. Burgers with a capital B that rhymes with E and that stands for fewer employees.
*Chorus in the background chants "burgers, burgers, burgers, burgers, burgers, burgers, burgers"*
Let me tell you, neighbors:
Our alpha machine frees up all of the hamburger line cooks in a restaurant.
It does everything employees can do except better:
- It slices toppings like tomatoes and pickles immediately before it places the slice onto your burger, giving you the freshest burger possible.
- The next revision will offer custom meat grinds for every single customer. Want a patty with 1/3 pork and 2/3 bison ground to order? No problem.
- Also, our next revision will use gourmet cooking techniques never before used in a fast food restaurant, giving the patty the perfect char but keeping in all the juices.
- It’s more consistent, more sanitary, and can produce ~360 hamburgers per hour.
The labor savings allow a restaurant to spend approximately twice as much on high quality ingredients and the gourmet cooking techniques make the ingredients taste that much better.
It slices fresh tomatoes and pickles for every burger.
It grills meat and buns to order, then adds the condiments and toppings to order.
It shows up on time. It makes the correct change, every time. It's never hung over. It's never high. It never has baby daddy or baby mommy issues. It never asks for a raise. It never has its friends hanging out in the dining area. It has no face tattoos. It never argues. It never steals.
It costs $135,000, and it's inventors claim it will pay for itself in two years by saving labor cost, real estate cost, construction cost, and by offering a gourmet burger at fast food prices.
People who want an increase in the minimum wage simply do not understand this, or willfully deny that it can happen. But it will, just like this happened in the auto industry when wages became too high.
It won't need to wait much longer.