The Case of the Holiday Horror

 My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you well know it has been many years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and also quite some time since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance with respect to these horrible people.

As you know we often review old case files in an attempt to discern if circumstances have changed or new information has come to light. It seems that things have changed in the loathsome prescient of that disreputable slattern Lady Chatterley and her brutish consort. 

 

As you must be aware they had ceased holding the salon for which they had so unjustly been renowned. They seem to have thrown out the obsequious lickspittles and unctuous toadies that made up their circle. It seems once they were left to their own devices they have turned the violence they once did to civilized discourse upon each other. All of which seems to have come to a head when the last cask of fetid wine had been broken and there was nothing for the swinish lady of the house to consume. In fact if you can credit it the wine was purveyed in a box in stead of good English Oak!  She thus turned her wrath upon her unfortunate consort who left to find solace in any way he could. As you know this scene is often reenacted on Holidays when they are left to their own putrid company. This is not the first time this unfortunate occurrence has become part of the police blotter.

It seems that the unfortunate knave who serves as body servant, gardener and barber to the surly harridan decided to flee and eventually wandered into a tavern along the way and fell into conflict with the happy patrons who were well unaware of his existence. He began a contrempt's with a jolly fat man who was regaling the tap room with witticisms and a stoic carpenter who was instructing the room about various insect infestations when the beaten down body servant came in to cause a most unnecessary conflict. Luckily he was tossed outside by the tavern occupants and conspired to wander aimlessly about looking for solace in his life of abject misery.

There is naught for either of us to do but I thought you might like to be informed of the status of these  nefarious people as you wished to hear about the flea infestation of the Hound of the Baskervilles and the cheese addiction of the Giant Rat of Sumatra. In any event I thought it best to keep you apprised of the latest doings in good time.

Please give my best to your brother Mycroft who I hope is enjoying his retirement from the Foreign Office. I know he misses both the Foreign Office and the Foreign Orifices he came in contact with during his time in government. I trust he knows that a quiet life in retirement is the best outcome considering his last exploits when last in London. None the less please give him my regards. 

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898

The Case of the Muderous Musselmen!

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been many months since I have stopped requesting assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. As dead as the salon that was involved so intimately in that affair. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. The inhabitants of that decadent salon have gone to other amusements concerning small dogs and vegetation. The case has been officially closed and the Yard has gone on to other concerns.

I write to you today regarding an entirely different matter.

There have a rash of attacks by various miscreants both Musslemen and Hottentots that have caused mayhem in the streets of London these past few weeks. It seems that has been a religious upset do to the activities of certain English explorers in the lands of Araby. Several crazed adherents of this strange and pernicious religion have taken to stabbing passerbys while shouting out religious slogans about their pagan god. One of these savages went so far as to whip a team and rammed his dray through the market at Manchester injuring many some fatally. The Home Office has taken a dim view of these occurrences and would like to use your services. They would like you to devise a program where we could devine who were members of this death cult so that they might be identified and then hanged and their families driven from our shores.

As far as the Hottentots are concerned the Home Office is in a quandary. It has long been the policy of her Majesty’s government to turn a blind eye to the importation of such people to serve as domestics and workers in various factories in the midlands. Some are sailors who have come ashore and others are colonials who have come as servants to some lord or lady returning from a posting and who are then cast adrift to fend for themselves. They of course engender poverty, crime and disease as that is their natural state. The question is should we halt all further immigration of these poor savages and expel those that are polluting our shores. Lord Kitchener has proposed that they be gathered together and concentrated in camps built expressly for that purpose much as the Army did with the Boers in the recent unpleasantness in the Tansval. He claims that Hottentot problem will only get worse over time as they will begin to dominate entire neighborhoods and flood our prison system as well as the local charities for indigent as they are incapable of sustained effort. Lord Kitchner says we must nip this problem in the bud before it becomes a cancer to this blessed isle and a stout hearted yeoman of English stock will become a stranger in his own land.

Scotland Yard has directed me to ask you to help us devise a response to these problems. The current plan which I favor is to round up all of the Musselmen and Hottentots and hang or transport them. However the Queen is very soft hearted and would endeavor to find a more kind hearted alternative. I was hoping to consult your estimable brother Mycroft but he has been incommunicado since the dispute over payment of his charcoal sketches of naked street children. No one has heard from him for many months and I hope he is well. His contributions have been greatly missed and we all hope he will return to polite society as soon as may be possible.

In any event give him my regards when next you speak.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
June 12, 1899

The Case of the Prolific Peer

My dear Holmes

Once again I must trouble you as your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have stopped requesting assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. However now I must trouble you with a new matter that has disturbed the innermost sanctum of Scotland Yard.

The Prime Minister has received several complaints regarding the writings of one Sir Henry Rider Haggard who has recently been promoted to the House of Lords. It appears that Sir Henry is too prolific for the comfort of certain readers who have the ear of the Prime Minister. His tales of the adventures of Allan Quartermain with its dusky maidens, heaving bosoms and savage Africans seem to disturb their somnolent complacency. They demand that he be censored and that he cease producing so much material as it drowns out other voices. They demand that less vigorous and earthy tomes be featured in the press and the literary world. They feel if these writings were given their proper due there would be more comment and interest when they are not superseded by more entertaining light weight fare. The Prime Minister would like to keep the peace and endeavored to inquire if you would intercede. As you are such good friends with the estimable Sir Arthur Conan Doyle perhaps he might speak to Sir Henry and get him to agree to stifle his talent and quiet his voice so that other less estimable fare might find an audience.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I understand that he has moved to the country to immerse himself in his art and his work with young orphan boys. I understand that Lord Baden Powell has agreed to allow him to start a Scout troop which would serve to take up more of his free time and prodigious talents. I trust that he will remember that we can only do so much and that he will be more circumspect in his activities.

In any event give him my regards.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
December 15, 1899