The sayings of Lazarus Long

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."

-Lazarus Long, Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

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What else should a human be able to do?

In the Trunk: poor executive function

"Just as my suspension ended, I got pulled over.

The policeman said to me, “Do you know why you got pulled over?”

I said, “No.”

He said, “Your tags are expired.”

I was shocked. I didn’t think people really kept track of their tags.

He said, “Can I see your license?”

I started crying.

The kids said, from the back seat, “Are you in trouble? Are you going to jail? Did you break the law?”

I asked the policeman if I could get out of the car and talk to him because I didn’t want my kids to hear.

He said okay.

I explained that I didn’t have a license. I told him I’ve been trying to get one but I couldn’t and then I got it suspended and I said please don’t make it so it’s suspended again. I’ll never get a license.

He gave the kids stickers and coloring books while he made calls on his radio and wrote tickets in his car. He ticketed me for the tags but not the license.

I went back to get a license and I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the right combination of name and address to match everything. I had changed my name and where I live so often that nothing matched. I went home discouraged.

...Slowly, I started taking steps to get my license. I hired someone to help me. I was making progress. I had a Wisconsin State ID and a social security card. And I was gearing up to the take the written exam.

To give you and idea of how hard it is for me to take a standardized test, when I took the GRE I scored in the 17th percentile. I think that’s where people score when English is not their first—or second—language.

My son sat next to me while I surreptitiously popped a Xanax and started the test.

The DMV person told my son he had to sit farther away from me.

There are a lot of questions that I’ve studied for. For example, I know that if you hit a deer and you do not take it, the next driver can take the deer home for himself.

I pass the written test. The Farmer and Jeanenne have a mini-celebration.

Jeanenne drives me to the DMV in Darlington to take the road test.  I wait too long at intersections but they still pass me.

Then they let me take six photos until I get one I like.

And Jeanenne says, “It’s amazing that even when you are trying to follow the rules and be like everyone else, you still get people to make exceptions for you. “

But look. It’s a good picture:"

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I rate my executive functioning at -6P. How about you?