I had a hot time this Christmas

 Sorry for not posting more but the Holidays got in the way.

This was my Christmas present.

On Christmas Eve a car parked outside our house blew up and started burning. The fire department came and put it out. It belonged to the people across the street that we have been warring with for months. There are four brothers who live there, and they all have cars along with their girlfriends. It was one of the girlfriend's cars. We put the cone out so they move forward so we can get out of the driveway. We would curse them every day for blocking us and say, "I hope your fucking car blows up."

How the hell did that wish be the one that was granted for Christmas. 

Laurel & Hardy: March of the Wooden Soldiers

When I was a kid everyone watched WPIX Channel 11 on Christmas Day. It always started with a Christmas parade. It ended with the Yule log. They basically filmed a fireplace and played Christmas Carols that you had on in the background while you opened your presents. But in between we had a beloved tradition.

The March of the Wooden Soldiers.

They played the old Laurel and Hardy movie every year. Some people say that the best Christmas movie is “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Other people say it is “Die Hard.”

To me the quintessential Christmas movie is “The March of the Wooden Soldiers.”

It has everything. Comedy. Tragedy. Fat and Skinny. Even Little Bo Peep.

Enjoy!

My Favorite Carol

This one goes back half a millennium. It's been sung in Gothic cathedrals and country churches. These days it's a favorite with Bluegrass groups. There are many, many different versions, but always at the heart is this story:

Joseph and Mary walked through an orchard green
They saw berries and saw cherries fair to be seen
As Joseph and Mary walked in the wood
They saw cherries and berries red as any blood

Oh, then bespoke Mary so meek and so mild
"Pluck me one cherry for I am with child"
Oh, then bespoke Joseph with words unkind
"Let him pluck thee a cherry that brought thee with child"

Oh, then bespoke the babe within his mother's womb
"Bow down you tall tree and give my mother some"
Then bowed down the cherry tree to his mother's hand
Then she cried "See, Joseph, I have cherries at command"

A wonderful little story, barely a hundred words. Always embedded in standard doctrinal lessons, no doubt to allay any misgivings the parish priest or minister might have, but a nice, funny little story about human nature. A joke, in fact.

Its scant three verses are full of humorous tropes. Not refined humor, either, but earthy, farm-and-village stuff:

• The old man who marries a young wife
• Pregnant women with odd food cravings
• “Cherry” as slang for virginity
• The jealous husband who thinks he's been cuckolded
• And that old favorite, “Be careful what you wish for . . .”

Nor is the story itself particularly refined:

• Mary picks the breeziest, most flippant way to tell Joseph the news: “Get me a cherry, honey – I'm pregnant.”
• Joseph replies with sharp sarcasm: “Whoever got you pregnant can get you your damn cherry.”
• Jesus thinks, “Whoa, dude – that's how you talk to my mother? Watch this!”
• God, no doubt chuckling in His beard, delivers the punchline.
• And Mary can't resist a last little dig: “Oh, look, Joseph – cherries!”

So every character in the story, including God, is a wise-ass. Which means that every character in the story, including God, is acting distinctly human.

And there's your Christmas Message.

The Spirit of the Season 2

T

I kind of hate to give gifts. The only thing I hate more is to get gifts. When we were first dating my wife was appalled that I didn't exchange gifts with my best friend. We never did. We both felt if we wanted something we would go out and get it. Who wanted to deal with the gift giving bullshit?

Well this year I got a gift that touched my heart. My little niece decided she was going to get everyone gifts. The kid is only ten but she is very thoughtful. She got her Grandma chocolate. She got her favorite Aunt Lisa gluten free dark chocolate. But she got her Uncle Jim some John Wayne Playing cards. Every card is a different photo of the Duke. I think that proves it.

I am her favorite!

The Spirit of the Season!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all the Lemmings!

Every year it seems that people get all bent out of shape and start to fight. Resentments that fester all year boil over at Christmas time. Because yes we celebrate the little Baby Jesus but the Devil never sleeps. He is always poking at us and trying to get us to tell people what we really think of them. The resentments that we have all year finally get to us and we explode. It just happens. I don't know why. But it does.

I have a relative that I really hate. Not dislike. Not just not fond of. I hate her with the heat of a thousand suns.You see she made my wife cry once and I have hated her ever since. I have to sit at the Holiday table and pretend we get along. And I do. I face her with my usual attitude of studied genial contempt. This season I am helped by of all things the Hulu original program "Harlots."

Merry Chrismas Everybody!

One more before this beautiful day ends

I hope everyone had a great day - mine was wonderful - good food, good friends, safe travels.

One more, by request - the crew plays a Stephen Foster lullaby:

And, many hours after the fact, Christmas sunrise here:

BuzzFeed Editor: ‘All I Want For Christmas Is Full Communism Now’

Via The Wrap: A science editor at BuzzFeed UK raised a few eyebrows last week after some curious remarks about Communism.

“All I want for Christmas is full Communism now,” editor Kelly Oakes tweeted — before locking down her account after it was picked by right-wing media and the always ferocious James Woods.

#BuzzFeed editor. Enough said. pic.twitter.com/zShnRtd7sO

— James Woods (@RealJamesWoods) December 17, 2017

What do you want for Christmas?

KLEM AM

Getting a Handel on Christmas...

linkage

That one came highly recommended by Sixty Grit and MamaM -- two of the straightest shooters at Lem's.

Here's the thing: Handel is gorgeous but above all -- baroque. I crave simplicity. Musically, I actually liked three-man power trios better than The Beach Boys and The Beatles. Maybe that's why I like small molecule chemistry better that molecular biology. Simplicity. Less is more.

Consider the following video that I found, researching a post a few nights ago:

linkage

What daunting challenges that musician faces! Four keyboards and more foot pedals than a centipede could master -- and yet somehow he does. Why was that instrument perfected for a soloist?  Why didn't organists have footmen, much like a locomotive engineer had a fireman? Because they could?

I suppose that next you'll tell me that the pipe organ soloist evolved specifically to play baroque music.

Merry Christmas, All!

A Christmas Story......It will touch your heart

New York Post By Sophia Rosenbaum December 12, 2016

All a terminally ill Nashville boy wanted for Christmas was to meet Santa Claus — and he did, and then died in Old St. Nick’s arms.

The 5-year-old was minutes away from death when a nurse at the Tennessee hospital where he was being treated called Eric Schmitt-Matzen, a 300-plus-pound mechanical engineer who looks like a real-life Kris Kringle.

The 60-year-old, who slips into a Santa outfit for about 80 gigs a year, didn’t even have time to change into his regular getup.

He rushed to the hospital 15 minutes later in only his Santa suspenders — though he still looked the part with his long, white beard and prodigious belly. The nurse handed him a gift she had ready for the sick boy.

“When I walked in, he was laying there, so weak it looked like he was ready to fall asleep. I sat down on his bed and asked, ‘Say, what’s this I hear about you’re gonna miss Christmas? There’s no way you can miss Christmas. Why, you’re my number one elf,’” he recalled to Knoxville News Sentinel.

The unnamed boy perked up, using his last burst of energy to unwrap the toy.

“They say I’m gonna die,” the boy told Schmitt-Matzen. “How can I tell when I get to where I’m going?”

Schmitt-Matzen replied: “When you get there, you tell ‘em you’re Santa’s number one elf, and I know they’ll let you in.”

The boy then gave Santa a last hug.

White Wine in the Sun, Tim Minchin

Unseasonal, I know but I don't care. And it's sunny at Christmas in Australia. 

What did you do for Christmas, Screech?

"Oh, stabbed a guy in a bar."

fox6now.com

Dustin Diamond is being held in lieu of $10,000 bond (some sites say $1,000) he was with his girlfriend at the time, (some say wife) at the Grand Avenue Saloon in Port Washington Wisconsin, some say only Ozaukee County.

Apparently another couple started trouble. Taking photos, arguing. It is unclear what Diamond used to stab the guy, a pen that he was holding to close his account or a 3.5" blade found with him in the car when arrested. He says he noticed his girlfriend being held by her hair and that he does not recall exactly, that things happened so fast.

I tend to believe him.

You know, I have not seen a single episode of Saved by the Bell, mostly because the Screech character is intolerable and so are the other douchbag characters, especially the white guy jock character with the baggy jeans and cross trainer shoes laced up so the shoe-tongue sticks out. Ugh. I tried to watch the show and failed. It is a terrible show. I have no idea why it was so popular. But Screech was the absolute worst. He seems to have recovered somewhat from his incredible awkward stage. Someone mentioned he had a porn video out. I found it in two seconds. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

Now I need therapy.

"Why did you slash your wrists, Chip?"

"As punishment for searching and finding Dustin Diamonds sex video and click, click clickity-click clicking through it. That's why."

I also saw him one time on a show about people trying to lose weight. He was a psychological argumentative mess there too.

I take it back. He has not recovered from his awkward stage, and he never will.

And that's what you get for going out to a bar on Christmas. Honestly, there was nothing else to do? I didn't even know bars were open.

TMZ has video of right before the fight where everything appears to be normal, except for the swears.

Actually, his mug shot looks fine. But this is what on-camera flash does to a photographer's subject.

It's all good. Life is like a jail sentence. "I'll be outta here in no time." And there's hardly a difference between in here with all the attention, and out there where I'm nobody special.

But know what's as interesting as Screech in a fight? This guy was arrested for making a fuss about being refused drive-through service at Taco Bell on his bicycle. He would not go away, and apparently could not come inside. Again, flash, but not on-camera flash. See the difference in contour? This is a better photo because of it. I mean, come on. You're taking a dozens of photos a day as part of your job. That makes you a professional photographer. What we notice here is a trace of pride in one's craft by getting the flash off the camera. And of course the subject is incredibly interesting. A grown man profoundly sad about tacos and about everything that led to the incident.

So sad, he didn't get his Taco Bell. And now he's in jail. Life is so unfair sometimes.

Analyzing Bob Dylan's Christmas Lights

Main link

Soon it will be Christmas day

Annie Lennox

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.

I love the strength of her sustains and the powerful clarity of Lennox's phrasing. I love the steady progression of the music and its breaks. I love the corresponding power of her walk, and the progression of the parade of people in the video. I adore the oddness of costuming. The charm of Lennox's multiple characters. The humility of kneeling to angels that appear in the sky, the silliness of the angels halo, the theatrical-medieval sepia, the antique haze, the overlapping fades, dissolves, double, triple, quadruple montage of the whole pastiche, the children throwing snowballs, and the ridiculous wickerwork Father Christmas, the fire and stereoscope flip book. I love it all through and through. This is so ace. I play it all year. It totally gets me.

Mad as a brush. Lennox is a true professional musician and I love her. I do. I think she's even atheist I'm not sure. She said on the radio she was raised with carols that she loved. I think it is just music to her, and that makes me love the song, the video and her even more. There is no maudlin piety. It is just music and theater. That's all. And what music! There is a live version introduced by George Stephanopoulos that is every bit as good even without the video that so arrests my attention, and with stronger instruments and choir. On stage she is wearing a black t-shirt with text that reads oddly: "hiv positive" under her black jacket pinned with a looped red ribbon.  Did I mention she is quite mad? I hope you like this as much as I do, both the song and the video.

The whole album is great, A Christmas Cornucopia. 

The Unbearable Lightness of Xmas: #XmasAMovie

What a day....stop and laugh...😜 pic.twitter.com/Y3UpiMAhFS
— Rhonda Barket (@RhondaBarket) December 17, 2014

Don't Cry Over Spilt Nog

This wretched holiday is soon ended...

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Very best wishes to every one on Lem's blog.

 

 

 

News From Home

Christmas here is nearly over, even though it hasn’t yet started.  That isn’t a bad thing; it’s just the way things worked this year. 

Calendars have become a problem the past few years.  What was once an easy celebration to arrange has become complicated as children became adults, married, and now have in-laws who also expect holiday visits.  Adding work and social obligations to people’s calendars only made Christmas Eve and Christmas Day more complicated.  It became pragmatic to host Christmas on December 15^th, and so we did. 

This was the twenty-eighth year we have hosted Christmas for our extended families, although only the second time not on Christmas Day.  Aching backs and sore knees as we clean up the house today remind us that we won’t be doing this much longer.  The idea of renting a room in a bar or restaurant for the celebration is becoming more appealing.  And honestly, it wouldn’t cost any more than yesterday’s at-home food and beverage tab.  Or maybe it’s time for one of the millennials to pick up the tradition.  We’ll see.

When we started doing this, my wife and I were the tenth and eleventh youngest in our fifty-some person extended families.  This year we are eighth and ninth oldest.   This revelation was not lost on us as we watched two of the oldest haltingly navigate with the help of walkers and offered hands.  Measuring your years against others in the family is a melancholy but true measure of the passage of time. 

At the other end of the age continuum were a hyperkinetic 22 month old, and a brand new 7 week old being seen for the first time by most everyone.  The toddler ran around making toddler messes to the delight of everyone, and the 7 week old was passed from person to person to person until everyone had a few minutes to hold and rock.  Not a few of the 50 year old moms had an “if I could only have one more…” look on their faces, while the 50 year old dads wore a “No!” expression.

The college kids weren’t with us, exams not yet being over.  We’ll see them and their boyfriends, girlfriends, roommates, and almost-fiancés on the morning of December 24^th for another tradition: The Christmas Eve morning hockey game.  This started a dozen years ago as a way to fill time while the little kids were waiting for Santa to arrive, and has become a wonderful part of the holiday.  A grandnephew rents an ice rink for two hours and all family, friends, neighbors, co-workers and others are invited to play hockey.  The teams are evenly divided; there may be 20 players for each team on the ice at any time.  Men are not allowed to body check women, but women are allowed to push, check, stick and trip any and all males.  There is a lot of shouting and laughing, and some pretty good hockey.

Everyone brings a dish of food for a communal meal after hockey, and a hat is passed for funds to be donated to the Salvation Army or the Red Cross. And it’s over by 1:00 PM.  The traditional bottle of festive holiday ibuprofen is passed around.

Christmas Eve will be spent quietly here without company, then we’ll go to church for midnight service.  Christmas morning will be leisurely, brunch at home for the two of us and the traditional “I thought we agreed not to give each other gifts this year” as we open gifts from each other.

Sometimes the storybook and magazine pictures of a traditional Christmas are what folks yearn for.  Better than that, though, are traditions a family makes out of its own circumstances and habits.  It’s good to want the things you have.

May God bless all of you this Christmas season!

Seasons Greetings from AllenS (Open Thread)

"Lem, since it's the Holiday season, here's another funny."

Under the Mistletoe