Small Businesses that didn't quite cut it

 

In 1947 traveling ice cream machine salesman came up with an idea. A coffee pot that could severve multiple cups at a time. He tried to market it but the American Diner owner was too conservative. He sold his pattern to some guy in Seattle who wanted to open a shop selling burned coffee, shitty muffins and Josh Groban CD's/.

This is the second big investment that old Tom lost out on. His fellow traveling salesman Ray Kroc tried to get him to invest in this little corporation called McDonalds.

He decided to stick with ice cream.

Small Businesses that didn't quite cut it.

 

Many of the people associated with great inventors or innovators try to cash in on the inventions with products related to the great advances made by the works of genius of great minds.

Billy Edison set up a light bulb company that failed. Walt Disney's brother tried to interest some studios in a movie about a talking cockroach since the mouse was so successful. Henry Ford's brother invented electric car that could never make it out of the driveway.

The most unsuccessful of all was the secretary of Alexander Graham Bell who tried to invent a portable phone. Selma Goldstein tried to invent a portable phone which didn't quite work out. You see miniaturization was in it's infancy. Unfortunately the only phones available were big and clunky and would not fit your purse or your pocket. So she came up with the idea that it would be placed on your head.

Alexander Graham Bell invested a great deal of money and lost all. He had a lot of faith in Selma. You see she was an expert on head. After all that was why he hired her in the first place.

(Small Businesses That Didn't Quite Cut It by Doris Kearns Goodwin)

Small Business that didn't quite cut it

 

During the last pandemic various face coverings were devised to stop the transmission of influenza which had killed so many Americans. Mainly made of cloth many entrepreneurs tried to jump on the band wagon to profit off the needs of their fellow citizens. Some tried to even make them fashionable such as these cone like protuberances designed by the fashion maven Lane Bryant. Unfortunately they were a dismal failure as they were unwieldy and unattractive.

Still he found an alternative use and made a pretty penny in the fashion game until they too went out of style.

So Mr Bryant returned to his love of chubby girls and started a fashion line that catered to him and he was a smashing success. 

(Small Businesses That Didn't Quite Cut It by Doris Kearns Goodwin)

Small businesses that didn't quite cut it.

"A flesh colored fanny pack to carry your beer! Now from RONCO for $19.95 includes a six pack of PBR to give you that six pack you always wanted!

Available in many diverse skin tones. Pasty White Guy! Greasy Mexican! Caramel Harry Belafonte!

If you purchase tonight you also get a free Ginzu and a Popeil pocket fisherman! Order now operators are standing by!"

(Small Businesses That Didn't Quite Cut It by Doris Kearns Goodwin)

Small businesses that didn't quite cut it

In the early 1950's the Sears Roebuck Company devised a new law mower for the germ conscious housewife. It enclosed the driver in a clear plastic bubble so a woman could mow the lawn while wearing a nice dress and pearls and never spill her cocktail.

Best of all it allowed her to take over the lawn care so her husband could repair to his study with his cigar and his whiskey while the little woman took care of all domestic chores.

Unfortunately with the dawn of radical feminism men were no longer to enjoy their status of King of castle. On the other hand rabid bitter hags who loved feminism would have to hire indigent gardeners if they wanted their lawn trimmed. Or if they wanted any trim at all.

Small businesses that didn't quite cut it

The Pussy Piano Company of Chicago Illinois did not succeed with their patented Pussy Piano. A direct rival of the famous Steinway Piano company they sought to compete with the pricey pianos that were very hard to play. Taking a unique idea of having kittens placed in a box where a needle would penetrate the kitty anus when the proper keys were played. This would result in sound that was quite unique at much lower cost than the expensive Steinway grand pianos.

It was said that it was a great favorite of the famous singer Enrico Caruso but that attributed to the fact that he was insanely appreciative of pussy.

(Small Businesses That Didn't Quite Cut It by Doris Kearns Goodwin)

Small business that didn't quite make it.

In a small storefront in Williamsburg Brooklyn a new small business was started by Jacob Sternwiess and Rachael Slimovitz. The combined the two hottest trends in hipster life; Service dogs and vaping.

They rent out service dogs with all of the paperwork that lets them into any store or business. Even an airplane. Plus they teach the dogs to vape. So the sly hipster can sneak a vape if they were not grossed out by dog drool.

Unfortunately they over estimated the appeal.

(Small Businesses That Didn't Quite Cut It by Doris Kearns Goodwin)

Small businesses that didn't quite cut it

The great Spanish Flu epidemic led to some authoritarian governors to close down businesses to avoid infections. But these were Americans and they refused to comply.

Famous Brooklyn Barber Guiseppi Conforti invented the maxi shaver that shaved ten people at once. Unfortunately it was not perfected and he managed to cut the throats of six customers at once.

His business could not survive this terrible accident so he went to work for his cousin Albert Anastasia. Who was very fond of barbershops. With similar results.


(Small Businesses That Didn't Quite Cut It by Doris Kearns Goodwin)

Small businesses that didn't quite cut it

For the family on the go that couldn't get the kids to school with a hearty breakfast these entrepreneurs came up with just the solution.

They would pick your kids up with a busty blond who would breast feed them on the way to school.

It was called Boober.

Small businesses that didn't quite cut it

The  Horn and Hardart Adoption agency.

Brought to you by the same clever people who started the cafeteria chain this innovative adoption agency streamlined the process of adopting a little tyke to complete your family. You simply went to the wall of orphans and picked the flavor you liked. You know like pie. Apple or cherry or even cheesecake. You then inserted coins and they would swivel around and you had a new addition to your family.

It just never caught on.

Small businesses that didn't quite cut it

Admiral Richard Byrd was not only a famous explorer but also an entrepreneur. In his many travels in the Arctic he fell in love with the landscape and it's people. He just knew one thing was missing. Sex.

So he opened a string of Eskimo massage parlors to offer a happy ending to intrepid explorers on their way to the pole so to speak.

Unfortunately due to his foot fetish the Inuit maidens would not show their baby seals and would only offer release with their feet.

He went bankrupt in the first year.

(Small Businesses That Didn't Quite Cut It by Doris Kearns Goodwin)

Small Business that didn't quite cut it

Long before there was a Tiger King there was someone who tried to monetize the training and exposition of exotic animals. Unlike Joe Exotic who tamed the savage beast Carl Calm trained the more sedate raccoon in his sanctuary in Wisconsin. He trained this small furry creatures to perform many stunts but his business did not quite catch on.

Later his assistant Red Auerbach became quite successful when he taught coons to play basketball.

The real innovators never succeed in small business.
(Small Businesses That Didn't Quite Cut It by Doris Kearns Goodwin)

Small Business that didn't quite cut it

The Navajo sex line.

Sample dialogue:

"How?"
"Well what are you wearing?"
"Feather. Bear grease. And nothing else."
"Do you have Grand Tetons?"
"No but me have um Grand Canyon. I no think you can touch the sides white eyes."
Click.
(Small Businesses That Didn't Quite Cut It by Doris Kearns Goodwin)

Small Businesses that didn't quite cut it.

One of the most expensive failures in the history of the United States were a group of franchises started by Joseph Kennedy in the 1950''s  called the "Ted Kennedy Driving School."

Each franchise offered an intensive five week course in defensive driving with a complimentary coed included.

(Small Businesses That Didn't Quite Cut It by Doris Kearns Goodwin)