Dear Tulsi

Dear Tulsi,

I am sorry to hear that you have been dropped from the next debate. I have been dropped too! Can you believe it? The DNC obviously has a problem with strong women! I don't understand it. I have consulted my chakra and my spirit guides and they tell me it is a a conspiracy of old white men. And Indians. You know Bernie and Warren have gotten together to keep us out of the race.

What I would like to do is get together with you outside of the hall the night of the debate. We can attract a bunch of free media and be much more entertaining. I figure I can read some tarot cards and talk about my crystals. You can wear a bikini and teach people about surfing and stuff. It's a win win for us. A fundraising bonanza if I say so myself.

So if you are interested just contact me. You can email me or phone. Or just contact me astraly on the spirit plane. I will know it is you.

Call me.

Namaste,
Marrianne.

Dear Tulsi

Dear Tulsi,

I wanted to speak with you before I have to go on the warpath. You know that there is no chance that you can win the primary. You don't have a base. You are not black. Or Hispanic. Or Muslim. Or Native American like me. So you really don't have a claim on any group as a base of support. Yeah I know you are part Samoan but that only gets into the tryouts to be a Sumo wrestler. There are not enough Samoans to matter. You just don't matter.

Add in the fact that you are too hetero-normative to be representative of our party. It is obvious that you have a healthy relationship with your husband and a normal sex life. That just doesn't fly in the current National Democratic Party. So just give it up.

Dear Tulsi

Dear Tulsi,

You don't know me but I am Mayor Pete and I will be the next President of the United States. I know I will because my mother said I would and she is never wrong so you should just drop out now bitch.

 I know I might be a little behind in the polls but who doesn't love a little behind. I know I do and it is my time because the gays control this country. We control the media. Look at Don Lemon and Anderson Cooper. Look at Shep Smith. Look at any reporter. They are all gay and they are all on my side. So I have the media in my pocket book.

I am having a little trouble with the blacks but I have an answer for that. I will have that Stacy Abrams be my VP. A nice big black woman like the one that raised me. My mother you know the one that is always right? Well she wanted me to be raised right so she got a big black woman like they had in Gone With the Wind. You know what I mean. My mother was too busy to stay at home. She was a famous law professor at a third rate Midwestern College and they specialize in raising gay sons. So I am now the standard bearer for all of my twinkie friends all over the county. Our time is now.

So take your titties and your foul vagina and go back to Hawaii. Or to Syria I know you like the brownies. I have to go pinch a loaf and walk the rare clumbers and get ready for the debate. You're over bitch. Give it up. Or I will scratch your eye out.

Toodles,
Mayor Pete.

Dear Tulsi

Dear Tulsi,

It's me. Kamala. Look bitch I don't think you want me to go upside your head you pineapple pussy skank. Wach you think dogging me like that at the debate. I thought women of color need to stick together. Didn't you get the memo or did I have to send it by drum or some such shit like they do in Hawaii.

Look so I smoke a little pot and I put a lot of people in jail for selling it. So what? Old man Biden passed lots of bills about sex abuse and he is always fingering 13 year old girls whose daddy's just got appointed dog catcher or sum shit like that there. Look at Spartacus. That dude dares to talk about his boo when you know when he is talking about T Bone he is talking about what he gets where the sun don't shine. We all be liars. We're Democrats for fucks sake!

Look don't make look you up. Keep my name out of your mouth. I didn't swallow so much of Willie Browns cum to go down like this. I will cut a bitch.

Wach your mouth bitch or I am coming for you.

Sincerely your colleague and soul sister,
Kamala

Ugh