Monday, June 12, 2017

The Case of the Muderous Musselmen!

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been many months since I have stopped requesting assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. As dead as the salon that was involved so intimately in that affair. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. The inhabitants of that decadent salon have gone to other amusements concerning small dogs and vegetation. The case has been officially closed and the Yard has gone on to other concerns.

I write to you today regarding an entirely different matter.

There have a rash of attacks by various miscreants both Musslemen and Hottentots that have caused mayhem in the streets of London these past few weeks. It seems that has been a religious upset do to the activities of certain English explorers in the lands of Araby. Several crazed adherents of this strange and pernicious religion have taken to stabbing passerbys while shouting out religious slogans about their pagan god. One of these savages went so far as to whip a team and rammed his dray through the market at Manchester injuring many some fatally. The Home Office has taken a dim view of these occurrences and would like to use your services. They would like you to devise a program where we could devine who were members of this death cult so that they might be identified and then hanged and their families driven from our shores.

As far as the Hottentots are concerned the Home Office is in a quandary. It has long been the policy of her Majesty’s government to turn a blind eye to the importation of such people to serve as domestics and workers in various factories in the midlands. Some are sailors who have come ashore and others are colonials who have come as servants to some lord or lady returning from a posting and who are then cast adrift to fend for themselves. They of course engender poverty, crime and disease as that is their natural state. The question is should we halt all further immigration of these poor savages and expel those that are polluting our shores. Lord Kitchener has proposed that they be gathered together and concentrated in camps built expressly for that purpose much as the Army did with the Boers in the recent unpleasantness in the Tansval. He claims that Hottentot problem will only get worse over time as they will begin to dominate entire neighborhoods and flood our prison system as well as the local charities for indigent as they are incapable of sustained effort. Lord Kitchner says we must nip this problem in the bud before it becomes a cancer to this blessed isle and a stout hearted yeoman of English stock will become a stranger in his own land.

Scotland Yard has directed me to ask you to help us devise a response to these problems. The current plan which I favor is to round up all of the Musselmen and Hottentots and hang or transport them. However the Queen is very soft hearted and would endeavor to find a more kind hearted alternative. I was hoping to consult your estimable brother Mycroft but he has been incommunicado since the dispute over payment of his charcoal sketches of naked street children. No one has heard from him for many months and I hope he is well. His contributions have been greatly missed and we all hope he will return to polite society as soon as may be possible.

In any event give him my regards when next you speak.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
June 12, 1899


Methadras said...

At least it wasn't the case of the Murderous Mueslixmen. That shit will kill you.

ricpic said...

Kindness kills.

edutcher said...

May I suggest a whiff of grapeshot?

Sixty Grit said...

Well written, Troop. Sometimes I almost think you have some talent, but then I take to my recliner and that notion passes.

Trooper York said...

It's like gas.

Passing it is half the fun.

Methadras said...

edutcher said...
May I suggest a whiff of grapeshot?

A box of grapenuts are just as effective.