Sunday, June 3, 2018


Today was an Amazon day.

I feel a little bit bad because Amazon ditched Legal Insurrection, they dumped William Jacobson from thier associate program because Amazon are antisemites. That's the light that went off in Jacobson's head when thinking hard about all the lame reasons they gave him that don't fit the experience, and matching the experiences of previous Jews with Amazon contrasted with experiences of other outspoken racial types. I feel disloyal, while I never felt any actual loyalty. But I do use Amazon a lot. Presently the place is important to me, but that may change as others develop their online services.

Last night I placed an order through Amazon Fresh. I was expecting the order to be split between Whole Foods and Sprouts like last time, but this time everything was labeled Amazon and there was only one order. I made the list late at night for delivery early today, between 7:00-9:00 AM.

It is a huge order. And after all that I thought of things I omitted that I need, daikon, fresh jalapeño, lettuce, for examples.

I checked delivery status and went downstairs outside to walk around and wait. The streets were virtually empty early this morning. Scant pedestrians, scant traffic, but an inordinate number of young men on skateboards.

I'm jealous. For their balance. They're very good. I never was any good on a skateboard, I fell hard more than I transported, and now the very idea is quite impossible. I'd be on my broken butt in one second flat. So I marvel at their abilities. Bastards.

And I'm guilty of sexual harassment. A middle-aged woman passed by right in front of me carrying stalks of plants that she cut from some bushes for arrangement. Not actually flowers, just attractive stalks, but the stems looked a bit like Japanese ikebana. Directly in front of me just a few feet away I said, "pretty." She smiled and said thank-you. Pause. "And your flowers are nice too." Grrr, spark, pop, flash, spark, pop.

Come on!

Be a sport already.

Amazon tracking says simply the order is on its way. I walked back and forth in front of the building. Beautiful morning. Fantastic just being alive, and frankly, idle. Perfect temperature, perfect wind. No demands on my person or time whatsoever. It's truly a beautiful way to live.

The guy arrives with an itshay oadlay of groceries. And no cart. He carries up an armload as I open doors and direct him. Well ahead of me down the hall, "door's open." He unloads and I give him my cart. He races ahead again down to the first floor not expecting I'm following. I take a different elevator down. He's packed the cart before I get there. Same thing again, racing ahead upstairs. He finishes unloading before I get to the apartment. He's incredibly fast.  "I have more bags downstairs."


Same thing repeated. We ride down separately, but then up together, he races ahead again. Unloads faster than I get to my own apartment again. He's very eager to get out of the place. "Hold up a sec." He turns back and I hand him a folded twenty. He thanks me not knowing the denomination. It could be one for all that he knows.

The groceries are packaged with extreme care. Large plastic bags inside sturdy paper bags. The first one held a bottle of water. But I didn't order any water. I realize it's ice. Seven of the bags had bottled water as ice. So now I have bottled water that I didn't order. One of the bags had another insulated bag inside of it. I ended up with a huge pile of very sturdy paper bags and an outrageous pile of plastic bags. I have no use for them.

Until I started making bread. Then the plastic came in handy immediately. To cover the bowl to proof the dough, and to wrap the finished baked loaf.

I'm exhausted just going up and down three times and unloading the bags and organizing. I'm amazed at the energy I see people have. I'm amazed that I used to be like that. Amazed at how things have changed energy-wise.

The second order was for the pullman bread pan. I'm eager to have this because I'm presently in a sandwich phase. I'm upping my game a few notches. This type of order Amazon tracking shows a vertical progress timeline, order accepted, being prepared, out for delivery, delivered. Then when the driver gets close the tracking changes to a map. On all previous orders when I see the driver a few blocks away they're knocking on the door in two minutes. These guys are impressively fast.

But not today. The dot showed the driver at my address. So I opened the door and stood there expecting him within seconds. A very long time elapsed but nothing happened. I kept checking and there is no change with the dot. Forty-five minutes elapses and I'm thinking he's probably stopped for a hamburger at Burger Fi. The  description changed, "The driver is two deliveries away." At length the description changes again, "your order is being delivered." Phone rings once. I answer. Nobody there. It's the Amazon Washington number that doesn't accept return calls. I wait by the door again with it opened. Nothing. The description changes, "Your order was delivered."


Now I have to go find it. This happened before. I put on my backpack and walked backward down the hall to the end. Nothing.  I went the opposite way past the elevators, and boom, a package in front of a door. My name. I simply took the package without knocking.

For some reason 505 looks like 508.

No tip for you!

Thus ends the tale of Amazon schizophrenia.

I've yet to see the same driver twice. The first driver told me he likes working for Amazon. It works out well for him because he can pick his own hours. So apparently they keep a pool of available drivers with no regular route. It must be extreme controlled chaos.

I can't wait to use my new pan. I'm not waiting.

I read a dozen pages and they all say pretty much the same thing. I don't know why they all recommend two teaspoons of active yeast. One teaspoon will work. I know this because I've cultured sourdough yeast for decades. One teaspoon, two teaspoons, no difference. It will take slightly more time for less yeast to duplicate exponentially. Still, they all say use two teaspoons. I think they're just copying each other.

But it was interesting reading the comments to recipes. The difficulties people encountered, the adjustments they make, sometimes perfectly ridiculous, and the questions they ask, all indicating they really haven't done this that much. It was fun reading how STEW-pud people can be. The worst of all sites is Wikihow. They did everything wrong. Their advice is terrible. Their photos are horrible. They miss the whole point entirely. Their result is the opposite of what anyone could hope. It's like their bread isn't even proofed. It never rose. Like they never did this before themselves. There was no point in adding any yeast because their bread is flat baked lumps. The dough never filled the pan. Not even to the half way level.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What a bunch of morans. This kills me.


edutcher said...

Since Bezos has gotten aspirations, the service has started to slide.

I don't do much with them beyond books because they're getting political.

Somebody will give them theirs soon enough.

rhhardin said...

I got a 35 pound bag of Purina One chicken and rice dog food by second day air, free shipping, for less than Kroger sells it for.

I think Amazon wants it talked about. Either that or the markup on Purina One is really big.