Dear Dad

September 10, 2001

Dear Poppy,

I hope all is good with you and Mom. Laura and I plan to come up to Kennebunkport next weekend. We both love Maine in the fall. It is beautiful weather and it shapes up to be a perfect week. Laura and the twins will go up first and I will be there on Saturday night.

I am having trouble with Congress. Just the way you did. The Democrats just won't agree to do anything I want to do. I know I have to a couple of things to keep the crazies in the party happy. I need to  pretend that I am pro-life as that stupid march is coming up. You think these yahoos would stop worrying about these stupid abortions. It is mostly the blacks anyway. Or the slutty white girls. So who cares about that. Still and all I will follow you advice and keep the rubes happy. It is little enough to keep the holly rollers on the team.

We are still having some problems with the Arabs. King Fahd has been in touch. He has sent the duck decoys he promised to Switzerland. So all is good. You can tell the other members of the executive committee next month at the Grove that all is in readiness. I have a decoy for each of them.

The Secret Service and the CIA has let me know that the dunce is really far gone. His Alzheimer's is over the top and he sounds as loopy as Mom does when she has too many PBR's and is watching midget wrestling. So we have a free hand. I think the Chamber of Commerce will be really happy. We can grease the skids and get them a bunch of cheap wetback laborers. John McCain says his daughter needs a new nanny so we can hook him up. Maybe that will shut him up. Otherwise I will let him test fly one of our new stealth fighters. He will crash it for sure and that will be one less problem.

Dad just one thing. Can you stop grabbing the maids cooter. It upsets them and Mom gets all riled up. I am going to send you over a Mexican. Just the way you like them. Fat and with white hair. She kind of looks like George Washington with hemorrhoids. You can grab her ass all you want. She don't speaka the English. So enjoy yourself just don't let Mom see you. I know you will help me out here.

All in all everything looks good. Thank you for all that you have done to prepare me for this job. I won't let you down. I won't let our friends in the Trilateral commission or our allies in Rittenhouse down either. It is all going according to plan. It is only smooth sailing from here on in.

Your loving son,
W