Saturday, December 28, 2013


I call him Phil because he and I, we're tight, like that:

Apologies for posting so much but this guy is bugging me because his face is all over the place and his beard is skank. 

I would like to tell Phill,

With great beards come great responsibility you cannot allow them go wild like this, and just because the prophets looked like that and you sound like a prophet when you get on a roll in a church as we've been shown, and use the amusing excuse the cousin of Jesus, what's his name, you pause for the answer, John, went around in a hair shirt, all that  does not mean you must be the same way. John ate locust, will you too? John had his head chopped off will you follow that example? No, that was then and this is now. And we have products now. 

The hair is flyaway and scraggly. I would assure Phil women do not like it. Dry. Hands always in it. Fiddling with it. Digging around. One expect insects or animals, bats to come flapping out, debris to drop out. It apparently itches because it is scratched constantly. The color transitions look like drips. Rust. The drippy dead hair color transitions of pubic-like scraggly hair resemble an old dog's mouth when the drippy hair color transitions are not resembling an old sheepdog's ass. I'm trying to say what I see.

I'm not big on products but a beard like this needs conditioning. Lots of conditioning. The kind that sits in the beard over time and changes the texture, restores moisture without being oily. And the gentleman must persist with this lavish beard treatment regimen forever. And trimming the tips off and keeping them trimmed and shaping will make the whole beard appear much fuller and healthier more masculine, more together, more with it, worn by a man with more gravitas more worth listening to. A little moisture, a little trim, a little wave and he'd take on the appearance ancient royalty, a groomed Nebuchadnezzar, instead of a crackpot. I'm tired of seeing his face actually. Apologies for showing it, but here are the before/after examples. 


Shouting Thomas said...

That's a ZZ Top beard!

We're just headed downtown looking for some tush!

AllenS said...

All of them live in Louisiana. I would imagine that it's very hot and humid in the summer there. All of the filming must take place in the fall or winter. Otherwise they'd be a sweaty mess. Yuck.

I'd have a different take on it if they lived in Alaska.

Lem Ozuna from the Braves said...

I was looking for that family guy beard video when I found this instead.

Lem Ozuna from the Braves said...

I was at a funerals a couple of weeks ago when a nice gentleman, former marine, leaned over and said to me, did you loose your blade?

I didn't get it right away.

He rubbed his hand across his face, getting a smile out of me.

ricpic said...

Why are you so thrown by his appearance? Listen to his words. They are words of wisdom.

edutcher said...

It's his thang, dude.

Of course, the redhead in Day By Day, when her husband suggested he grow such an adornment had only 3 words.




Lem Ozuna from the Braves said...

Phil is da man right now. I might even say w/o fear or trepedation, Phil is bigger than Obama right now.

Unknown said...

I'd like congress to do something useful for a change and enact anti-shake-down laws.
That way the race-hustling fraud Jesse Jackson would be able to sit in jail next to his criminal son.

bagoh20 said...

Human hair seems to be the most poorly executed adaptation since the the Dodo bird adapted the behavior of selling carving knives to sailors.

It doesn't grow over a large enough area to keeps us warm. It grows long on our head and face which is a hindrance to everything except watching TV. If we just let it grow naturally, we would be nearly immobile, unable to eat or run through the woods, or keep ourselves clean. Men have much more, and then lose it at widely varying times and in only certain unexplainable patterns. For some reason, unlike most other animals, we have more on our genitals and anus area than much of the rest of our body, which doesn't really help those functions.

I mean in general, WTF? Is this God's version of tough love or that "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" idea?

bagoh20 said...

I'm obviously a supporter of Gay rights for the most part, but I also support Phil. He included fornicators like myself along with the gays in his statement saying our sins are all somehow related to bestiality. The thing is he's right. All those things are clearly listed as sins in the rule book of Christianity. All he was saying is that if you are Christian, this is what your rule book says. He was just repeating the instruction for the game. I'm not a Christian, so why would I be offended by that? If I WAS a Christian why would I be offended by that?

According to the Koran, I'm a man not deserving of his head for a number of reasons, but that doesn't offend me either. Surprisingly the much stronger rules against homosexuality in the Koran seem to offend people even less. It's just unthinking, unexamined position stomping, that looks to me like hatred of Christians, more than anything else.

bagoh20 said...

BTW, I refuse to give up fornicating. It's rare enough anyway. I would think a dozen Hail Marys would cover me for my whole life. I just need to find out what a Hail Marry is. Something to do with football, I think.

chickelit said...

Phil is bigger than Obama right now.

Philophiles, all of them.

bagoh20 said...


Unknown said...

What has become evident within this silly charade is that the supposed offensive remarks from a converted Southern Christian reveal that the speech code witch-hunters and the radical race-hustling left are more offensive.

Anonymous said...

I can never tell whether Chip is serious when he drives some odd stake in the ground then mildly rants on for a few hundred words, as he does here re: Phil R.'s beard. It strikes me as a not unsuccessful performance halfway between Dave Barry and Bobcat Goldthwait.

Speaking of Dave Barry and Chip's earlier topic on the Fantasy Quotient, Dave Barry got off a good 'un on Obamacare in his 2013 review:

Unfortunately, before they could get the darned [economy] fixed, the administration had to pivot back to yet another zombie issue, health care, because it turned out that Obamacare, despite all the massive brainpower behind it, had some "glitches," in the same sense that the universe has some "atoms."

Anonymous said...

What has become evident within this silly charade is that the supposed offensive remarks from a converted Southern Christian reveal that the speech code witch-hunters and the radical race-hustling left are more offensive.

Or at least that they have been beaten back for the first time after a long string of wins.

I'll argue against gay marriage if anyone asks but mostly I think it's a done deal. However, this notion that GLAAD et al should stamp out all contrary opinions on homosexuality as career-ending hate speech has to stop, and maybe we've seen the end of the beginning of that particular culture war.

Trooper York said...

What is unfortunate is that committed Christians are baited into arguments with people who despise them and look to twist their words to marginalize religious faith.

The is no hope for salvation or redemption for these people. They have turned their face from God and demand that everyone else do the same. The power and influence is omnipresent and totally dominates the media and entertainment industry.

Fr Martin Fox said...


I think Chip Ahoy is simply an experience. Don't try too hard to analyze it. Just enjoy the work of art.

You may end up like that crazy lady who has "analyzed" Norman Rockwell's paintings, and found unexpressed "homoeroticism" running rampant--rampant! through his works!

Who knew?

Fr Martin Fox said...

About the beard:

How long does it take someone to raise that kind of beard--best case, I mean?

I've tried growing a beard, and it was way too much a mess long before it got to that point.

My beard grows sort of like an afro, and like a wild bush. I can't imagine what it would be like if I tried to grow it out that much. Nothing good comes to mind.

Anonymous said...

Fr. Martin: Perhaps you might notice I came down pretty much in the area you suggest(performance/experience) and my follow-on was a bit silly too.

Anonymous said...

The beard is a striking look. Not everyone can pull it off. Phil can. Besides it's part of his branding.

He's worth many millions. He's got a committed wife. Whether he's got God on his side or not, something's working.

Phil 1 / Chip 0.

Anonymous said...

Here's the wild man I'm researching lately: Chas Smith. Journalist. Surfer. Fashion plate. Self-proclaimed asshole.

No ZZ Top beard. Not a Christian.

Smith has written a tell-all book on the seamy underworld to professional surfing in Hawaii: "Welcome To Paradise, Now Go To Hell." Three's lots of crystal meth and gang activity in Hawaii.

Chip Ahoy said...

Creeley23, I'm saying what I think whenever I see this guy which turns out to be way too much.

I watched the video posted here earlier where Phil is speaking to a church. Alright. Fine. He too is saying what he thinks.

But then halfway through the video Phil is difficult to listen to in the first place, and now his voice raises and he takes on the preacher's cadence that we associate with televangelists and nobody speaks to me directly that way they just do not. I cannot be reached that way. The man is not speaking to me. I am annoyed. Vastly annoyed at being spoken to in a televangelist's preachers theatrical manner. It makes a joke of the bible, an area already loaded with jokesters.

He quotes Corinthians to drive his point, the passage that allows him to behave as he sees prophets behave, apparently. That is what comes across to me.

Who is doing the talking there in Corinthians?


The Roman guy, a later convert, not one of the twelve who traveled around with the master absorbing his words and his ways. I get the sense from reading he converted to Judaism then again away from it so not all that reliable. I don't like him so much. He puts his spin on things that do not belong and I'll tell you how I know.

Paul is presuming to instruct the church at Corinth dogma that is not the teaching of Jesus. Paul is sounding like an earlier Jewish prophet. And now so is Phil.

Because neither Paul nor Phil read the bible all the way through, as a collection of literature. Paul because his part wasn't written yet, duh, and Phil reads it here and there in spits and spurts and bible studies in this and that and comes away with checkered understanding that has him attempting to live like Jesus but speak like Paul imitating earlier Jewish prophets.

The earlier prophets are all meanie pants. Honestly, they're nothing but warnings and bad news, consternation, and harsh sayings.

They get nicer as they go along, and the books get shorter too. Until finally they're not so bad at all, not foretelling doom all around for everyone involved.

Then a gap. A period of Maccabees activity. Then the New Testament.

You know from reading how to recognize voices. When read straight through the voices of the prophets become nicer and nicer, less meanie pants all around and then the New Testament and it is like a bright light floods the room, the voice changes completely. God is now a heavenly father that loves you, and loves you personally and offers you personal salvation. Religion suddenly becomes highly personal, natural, with the burden of ridiculous ritual stripped away. It is truly beautiful.

The voice in Corinthians is wrong. That is not the voice of Jesus. That is Paul getting Jesus wrong. That is Paul screwing up Christianity right off the bat. Christianity survived this Paulization, the voice of Jesus is strong enough to break through Pauls archaic distortion. Jesus would not say that. You know that by how Jesus sounds when he speaks and the types of things he says and the things he purposefully avoids. Yet Paul and now Phil do have all that included in the religion they put forward as that of Jesus.

Phil is only half right at best.

deborah said...

It's little known that Chip and I are twins separated at birth. I agree that the beard is gross. And the Sox beard-tugging is gross. And the guy on the far left of The Starters is an ass for wearing his hair in a pony-tail 'bun.' Well, those last two are me, but I was planning to eventually make a rant post about it. And there's one other thing non-hair related I can't recall that bugs me. I'll let you know when I remember.

And Showboat Phil, to cool for church to change into proper clothing, with that enraging, self-righteous preacher's voice, I don't consider Pauline.

There's an interesting book by A.N. Wilson, Paul: The Mind of the Apostle. Personally, I don't like Paul. He comes off as a busy-body Catholic priest, but no one is perfect. However, Wilson conveys a moving interpretation of Paul's take on grace. The last paragraph on page 123 (click the link) says it all.

chickelit said...

@deborah: Are you grossed out by hairy males like Althouse is?

deborah said...

:) I knew you'd wonder that, but no. I'm a sucker for 3-day growth beards, hairy chests, and hairy legs. So there!

MamaM said...

The twins separated at birth thing is interesting. From my POV, ChipAhoy functions as an energetic and outspoken younger brother, one whose mechanism for springing off the page, out of the familiar box of dogma, and away from familial restraints and constrictions with with a fresh pop-up perspective, wasn't hampered, crushed, squashed, or ripped out with overuse.

I experienced his 4:39 interpretation as a delightful surprise.

Mitch H. said...

Fr Martin, I dunno how long it'd take to get something Robertson-length, but I get about half that length in three months. I usually get mine trimmed at least every three-four months over the winter, and hacked off entire in May in preparation for the summer heat. The problem lies more in the mustache than the beard - beards don't get in the way of eating the way untrimmed mustaches can. And I'm not about to start playing around with wax and so forth in search of that Bismarckian sergeant-major look.