Hell needs a new PA announcer

Forcas: Will you be interviewing any new announcers my dread Lord.

Lucifer: Yeah we might as well. Who do we have in the last bus?
Forcas: Well we have several people. We have famous baseball player Jim Ray Hart.
Lucifer: Wait how the hell did we get him? Wasn’t he a Yankee? The Big Guy never sends us any Yankees.

Forcas: Well he has a quota for Black Yankees. No more than two a year. It’s traditional. We also have famous bestiality advocate and horse molester Alan Young.

Lucifer: HOLY SHIT WILBBBBURRRRRR!  I love him. I especially loved when he left his wife alone to bang a horse. A male horse. What a gay bastard. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I mean I invented that. But he is not a good announcer. Put him in with Marilyn and Joan Crawford. Let him bang them. That should torture both of them and him as well.

Forcas: We also have a famous journalist sire. From Sixty Minutes.
Lucifer: FINALLY!!! BABA WAWA IS HERE!!!! BREAK OUT THE MOUNTAIN DEW AND THE TWINKIES AND LETS PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Forcas: Sorry my Dread Lord. It is not Barbara Walters. Or Reasoner. Or the black guy who nobody can remember his name. It is the boring commie Morley Safer.
Lucifer: Really? That douche bag. I haven’t thought about him since he signed his contract to undermine America during the Vietnam War in return for fame and fortune. Well send him down the chute. Let’s have some fun up in here. (Lucifer started pumping his arms up and down. He loves rap. It is his music)

Morely Safer: (an elderly man falls down the chute hat over teakettle and lands on his head as his toupee goes all askew) Waaa….where am I? Is this flyover country?

Lucifer: You're in Hell Morely! You remember that contract you signed. Time to pay up you smuck.
Morely Safer: Wait a minute Satan. I remember you. That contract doesn't hold. The statute of limitations must apply. Plus Obama is letting everyone out of jail so you can’t hold me to that.
Lucifer: Hey I don’t care what my Son does up here. Once he comes down here I will straighten his black ass out. In the meantime you get to try out as our new PA Announcer.  But first….a little mamba. FORCAS!!!

Forcas: Yes Sire. (two burly demons grab the struggling Safer and drag him away to the fiery pits)

Lucifer: Take to my Mom Helen Thomas. She can play with him. She always resented him. She can pull out his pubes. With her teeth. That should be punishment enough for the both of them. Oh and get Jim Ray Hart over her. I need  a shine.