The most conservative man in the world.

Giggles Bar, K Street Washington April 5. 2008

Amanda Carpenter comes up to bar and places her expensive Louie Vutton purse on the bar. She sits on a barstool in her designer dress and surveys the veldt like a predator searching out prey. A lioness on the prowl in her natural habitat. The bartender brings over her usual. A dirty martini. A very dirty martini. Because she is a very dirty girl.

She scopes out the action. A bunch of pajama boys. Congressional staffers. Republican congressman in ill-fitting cheap suits from Men’s Warehouse. Flotsam and Jetsam.  Then the crowd shifted a little. A beam of the last remaining sunlight during happy hour illuminates the corner of the bar. There he stood. A sturdy rugged Latin man. In a crisp $1,000 Paul Stewart suit and amazingly brightly shined wing tip shoes. It was him.  Don Juan Montoya De La Theodore Cruz. The most conservative man in the world.

He felt her eyes on him. As though she was caressing him from across the bar. He was sipping a Dos Equis. He didn't often drink beer. But when he did he drank Dos Equis. Conservatively.

He said something to his companion who laughed and slapped him the back as he strode toward her. She sat up straighter on her stool. She felt a little wet. Conservatism excited her. Not as much as cocaine but still.

“Hello senorita. Do I know you” asked the tall olive skinned Canadian? He was of course a Canadian even though he claimed to be an American. He was proud to have been born near the USA. Why should mere details of his place of birth matter to a man such as himself? After all. He is the most conservative man in the world.

“I don’t think so. I am new to this place. My name is Amanda and I have just taken a job with Senator DeMint.”

“Charmed my dear. I am Don Juan Montoya De La Theodore Cruz. You disgust my Father. Prepare to fuck!”

“WHAT?”

“I apologize for being so forward my dear. But I am a very busy man. I am the most conservative man in the world. I am very busy with stopping the march of the Liberal agenda. So I only have limited spare time that I can devote to my two hobbies. Dos Equis and fornication. So would you join me at my suite?”

“Well I am shocked Senator. That doesn’t sound very conservative.”

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

“It means you are a pillar of rectitude. An honorable man who honors his marriage vows. Not someone who has sex with beautiful women he meets in a bar.”

“Oh dear lady, you have such a limited view of conservationism. Come back to my room and I will teach you so many things. I will teach how I conserve my saliva as I lick your entire body.” He stroked her back seductively and looked deeply into her eyes. “You know you want to. Come let me teach you.”

“What can it hurt?” She got up from her stool. “Just one thing. I don’t want anyone to recognize me. It would not be good for either of us. So call me by my nom de plume. April.”

“Of course my dear. Of course.”