Cheese by mail

Care to hear something a little bit funny?

Just a little bit.

So far I cannot find my favorite cheddar in any of the best fromagerie around town. Maybe I will, but so far I haven't. I still have more places to check.

So I ordered it online and it's frightfully expensive with shipping. I do not recommend this. They notified me when it was shipped but I didn't realize it would get here the next day. I was patiently waiting for it to be delivered.

Today I heard a tiny knock on the door so faint I wasn't sure it was my door, knock-knock knocky-knock, tentative, unobtrusive, shallow but persistent. "Coming!" I stood up to put on my pants. Lost balance and fell back on the sofa. Stood up again. Lost balance again. Fell back on the sofa again. Stood up again and struggled with balance and put on my pants.

I wobbled on my legs like a newborn animal.

This took a long time.

The same knock-knock knocky-knock, just as light, the exact same pattern. "Coming!" Again, just as loud as before. Pants on now, even zipped up. I walk to the door, my legs surprisingly cooperative after such a poor start. Answered the door, nobody there. Large box on the floor. "Thank you!" (Whoever you are.)

We were all trained as kids to never yell in public, far less inside a building. Never do that. It's too rude. But now I do all the time because it's best for distance communication where the person is not seen. If they're around the corner I want them to know I appreciate the delivery. Sometimes early social training simply doesn't apply anymore.

As I struggled to pick up the box, a bit like doing toe-touches, without the door slamming shut, an electric wheelchair rolled backward into view. A big fat man sat in the chair. An American flag taped to the back of the seat.

And I mean fat.

Not just regular fat. Super inordinate impossibly fat. Here, let me draw you a picture.

He saw me having difficulty grabbing the box so he actually bent over forward himself risking pouring out of his chair and picked it up for me.

"I saw this downstairs. It's been sitting there for two day. So I thought I'd bring it up to you." 

Strange. I was just down there and I didn't see anything. But I wasn't looking for anything either. I wasn't expecting anything so soon. 

"Is it heavy?"

"No. It's light." 

"I wonder what it is. Where is it from?" 

The return label is printed in useless lettering so tiny it can hardly be found.

It cannot be read. And my seeing-hawk died so he can't tell me what it says. 

"I hate getting old." 

Ha ha ha ha ha

"But then the alternative isn't great either." 

What's so funny about not being able to answer the door in reasonable time, and not being able to read minuscule print? 

The man told me the story about noticing the box again. 

I thanked him again.

He elaborated on the box story.

I thanked him again. Then it occurred to me he would like to keep talking. So I did. Went like this:

"Yakkity-yak yak. Yip yip yap. Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb yakity yak gab idle prat, yippity yak, so how 'bout them Broncos, eh, yak yak yak, weather, you live here or what? yakity, prattle. Goodbye. Thanks again. Very thoughtful. I appreciate this."

I opened the box.

Inside is a styrofoam box the same size. Tight fit. 

Turned it upside down to jiggle it out of the cardboard.

This would make a fine cooler for a six-pack and it would work very well for clear ice experiments in the freezer. It's the perfect size for small things. This styrofoam box has its uses. It needn't be tossed. 

Crumpled cardboard for stuffing.

Two Seal-a-Meal packages of cheese.  That are cold.

A block of chemical ice in a package still frozen solid. 

Although sitting there for two days, the cheese was still refrigerated. 

I tore open a package of cheese, cut off a few slices, and OMG is it ever good. 

I could eat both packages in one day.

No I couldn't. 

But this cheese is not going to last very long. I knew I should have bought four packages. 

And next time I will.

Milton's Prairie Breeze cheese.

My favorite cheddar is made in Iowa. By Amish.

So you know that it's righteous.