Oh boy oh boy. Finally. After our big wins in Florida and
Missouri and everywhere except Ohio we can dispense with these stupid debates.
That bitch Bloody Megyn Kelly tried to get us to have another debate in Utah of
all places. With all those Mormons with their funny underwears. Home of Mitt
Romney. Why would Donald want to do that? He said no way Jose. Of course that is
the theme of our campaign. We have to just say no to all the Jose’s and Miguel’s
and Enrique’s out there and send them back to old Mexico!
I just hate the debates. You see I have to sit with all the
wives. It is just like the Yankee wives who have to sit together. I used to go
with Donald to the Stadium during the Series and we got to sit in the players
section. Wow the way those bitches used to fight was unbelievable. I know Andy
Petitte’s wife was a holy roller and would always want to smack the latest
bimbo that Derrick Jeter would bring over. And Jorge Posada’s wife pulled a
shank on that fat Jap that was married to Matsui. It was mayhem. But as bad as that
was it was much worse in the bullpen at the debate.
Now Candy Carson wouldn’t hurt a fly. Which was fortunate
because there were a lot of flies around her because like most black ladies she
never washed her hair. Got right ripe there. Thank God they dropped out before
Florida.
Then you had Jeanette Rubio. She hated me. Mainly because she
auditioned for the Real Housewives of Miami and lost out to Roy Blacks wife and
the bimbo with the big tits married to that quack plastic surgeon. She is very,
very bitter. But I brought her around. I told her I could get her a spot on the
next Celebrity Apprentice if she divorced Little Marco because he was a gay
American. She would be a big celebrity like Kate Gosslin or something. She told
me she would think about it and kept going off to the bathroom to do blow. It
is a Miami thing.
Columba Bush was a mousy little thing. I know she hated me
but she wouldn't say shit if she had a mouthful. She would just come into the
green room and start cleaning. Picking up the apple cores and cleaning the ash
trays. I think that was how Jeb met her when she was the maid at his frat. I
guess when she got nervous she would revert to when she was most comfortable.
Poor dear.
Mary Pat Christie was a lot of fun. Of course she was drunk
all the time. We would knock back a couple of cocktails and make jokes about
how small our husband’s dicks are. She would win because she hadn't seen it in
so long. Of course neither has Governor Christie. He can’t see past that gut
after all. I mean he hasn't seen his feet either. She was a hoot. I miss her.
But I think we will be seeing a lot of her in the new Administration. Chris is going to be Attorney General. Or Court Jester. It all depends if he can fit into that suit from that guy from "The Game of Thrones."
The saddest one was Heidi Cruz. You think with a name
like Heidi she would be a happy healthy Dutch girl or something. But she was
really depressed all the time. I thought it was because she was married to a
rigid conservative. But it seems that Ted couldn't get rigid at all. So he compensated by bossing her around. Forcing her to go to his Dad’s nutty church.
Making her quit her job after he looted her pension fund and took kickbacks
from her boss. It just made her sad. So sad that I was afraid for her. In fact I
followed her into the bathroom once to make sure she was ok. Not to make out in
a bathroom stall like I used to do with Heidi Klum when we were models
together. Just to keep her safe. I had to confiscate all the sharp objects. You
see she is a cutter.
Anyway it is almost over. Donald is rolling now and well on
his way to the nomination. I can’t wait
till we move into the White House and I can plan some State Dinners. I want to
be true to our voters the regular people. So for the first state dinner the
food and the entertainer will both be Meat Loaf.
I know who I am going to ask to cut up that tasty meat loaf. It is the least I
can do for that poor girl.
I am going to be a great first lady.
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