(Lucifer strides into Hell in shorts and a Hawaiian shirt smoking a cigar and scratching his balls. He does that a lot. That's why they call him old sratch)
Lucifer: How the Hell are you Forcas? Ah who am I kidding I don't give a shit. I'm back from vacation so let's get to work.
Forcas Did you enjoy your cruise on the River Styx my Dread
Lord?
Lucifer: Yeah it was kind of cool. I had Katherine Hepburn there
dressed up like she was on the African Queen to blow me while we were drifting.
She hated that because she is big time Lesbo. Whitney Houston sang from
underwater and Fred Astaire danced and Lenny Bruce told some jokes. And shot
smack. Just like the old days.
Anyhoo do we have any candidates to be the New PA Announcer. I had to throw Cosell back into the fiery depths. He was getting on my nerves. Who you got?
Forcas: Well we have several new candidates you can choose from.
We have a famous whining Jew comedian.
Lucifer: WHAT JERRY SEINFELD IS HERE!!!!!! HOT DAMN I HATE THAT
INSUFFERABLE HEEB!
Forcas: No my Dread Lord. Not Jerry. Gary. Gary Shandling. The
other annoying Jew Comedian with the successful show. Well that’s not true.
There are a lot of them. Anyway it is Gary. Maybe he be a cohost like he was on the Tonight Show or something.
Lucifer: Oh that poor simple fuck. I can't torture him. He’s not
famous. Chickenlittle doesn’t even know who he is. It’s like Trump with the
Premier of China. If he don’t know who he is why give a shit. Who else have you
got? Send him somewhere to pay retail. That should be torture enough. Who else?
Forcas: Well we have Glen Frey and famous racist author Harper Lee.
Lucifer: An Eagle and a shitbird. That don’t float my boat. That bores the shit out of me. Have Frey join the backup band to the worst singers in Hell so he can play Night Train for all eternity while Totie Fields strips. Have that Lee bitch teach black people to read. That should be torture enough for her sins. Who else?
Forcas: Well we have Glen Frey and famous racist author Harper Lee.
Lucifer: An Eagle and a shitbird. That don’t float my boat. That bores the shit out of me. Have Frey join the backup band to the worst singers in Hell so he can play Night Train for all eternity while Totie Fields strips. Have that Lee bitch teach black people to read. That should be torture enough for her sins. Who else?
Forcas: Well we have a Famous Twin Sire.
Lucifer: ROD CAREW!!!! Now you are talking. Kirby Puckett was
getting lonely.
Patty Duke: (slides down the stairwell to hell and tumbles at the feet of Satan and his right hand fallen angel Forcas , she blearily rolls over as she is wearing a pair of capri pants and a man’s button down shirt the way she did as a teenager) What the Hell...where am I?
Lucifer: Exactly! You are in Hell Patty! Welcome. I bet you thought you were in Hell when you were trying to act like a retard. No not in the movie. When you were getting an Emmy or being President of the Union. That was really freaking retarded. I mean look at what Reagan did. He parlayed that into become President. What did you ever become you dimwit?
Patty Duke: (slides down the stairwell to hell and tumbles at the feet of Satan and his right hand fallen angel Forcas , she blearily rolls over as she is wearing a pair of capri pants and a man’s button down shirt the way she did as a teenager) What the Hell...where am I?
Lucifer: Exactly! You are in Hell Patty! Welcome. I bet you thought you were in Hell when you were trying to act like a retard. No not in the movie. When you were getting an Emmy or being President of the Union. That was really freaking retarded. I mean look at what Reagan did. He parlayed that into become President. What did you ever become you dimwit?
Patty Duke: That’s not fair. I was is sick. I was bi polar. I
became a beloved sitcom actress and TV star.
Lucifer: Blah blah blah. I hate it when you morons give the
sickness excuse. You sound like Yolanda of the Real Housewives. Boy I can’t wait
to get that bitch down here. Talk about squeezing your lemons. Look you only
accomplished one thing in your career.
Patty Duke: What’s that?
Lucifer: Getting everybody confused. They think you are Carrie
Fisher. Forcas!
Forcas: Yes Sire. (two burly demons drag Patty away and dump in
a pit filled with famous twins including Romulus and Remus, the Bobbsey's,
Elvis, Harmon Killebrew and the Krays who all began to bang her) I thought you liked her sire.
Lucifer: Oh I do. But this is Hell after all. Let her suffer a
little. I just can’t with the excuse making all the time. Just wait till the millennials get here. We will really have to turn up the heat. Later we will let
her out and we can pretend to be beatnicks. Hey let me show you some photos of
when I went snorkeling.
Forcas: (mutters under his breath) Oh yes this is Hell all right.
Lucifer: Did you say something Forcas?
Forcas: I was just saying how much I like you bathing suit. Is
that a pineapple?
Lucifer: Why yes it is. I love it! Hell is a lot of
fun. I am glad I am back!
9 comments:
Is Janeane Gaofalo the Patty Duke of this era? Or is it just because Shandling kicked the bucket that I sense a connection. I mean they're - were in Patty's case - both less than attractive and kind of...make that really grating. Hellen Keller was some piece of work herself.
Garofalo
Garofalo had a real shot there for a while.
She was in a couple of good little movies and had done pretty well on SNL.
Once she turned into a Lefty, she became the poster child for everything wrong with psychosis.
Helen Keller was a socialist/communist, but one time she tried to work for a living. She became a prostitute - you had to hand it to her.
Talk about squeezing your lemons.
Hell is being consigned to sit on one of two canvas chairs in a tiny house, with a dozen lemons as the only point of color, only to have to fish them one by one out of their showy wire basket in order to squeeze them for enough juice to clean the rest of the colorless abode.
In addition to bringing on a swoon, it's enough to start one praying again for something, anything that provides a taste of color and creature comforts.
Placing acidic fruits in a steel basket seems, shall we say, illogical, at best.
Hey MamaM, was there a bed in that so-called shepherd's hut? I don't think I recall seeing a space for a bed...or a bed. Talk about a lack of creature comforts. At one of the several low points in my life I slept on the floor for several nights running and that is some grim experience I can tellya. Swooning over "elegant" tiny houses is for those who have never been even remotely up against it. There's a passage in Bukowski in which he says "When I get up in the morning and look out the window and the car's still there -- that's a miracle. And then when I get into the car and it starts-- that's a miracle." Etcetera. That either strikes a chord with you or it doesn't. Pretty much divides up the human race.
On Showtime the other night, they had Gary Shandling, Ray Romano, and some other comedians sitting around and discussing the art and science of stand up comedy as it relates to the ultimate meaning of life. The comedians were funny and wise, and Shandling appeared to good advantage. The show was four years old. Romano said that although he didn't borrow his act from Bill Cosby, Cosby had made a big impression on him and he tried to have same effect on his audiences that Cosby did. All the other comedians nodded and said that Cosby was one of the giants.......If Cosby had died of a massive coronary four years ago, he would still be spoken of in reverential terms. Streets would be named after him, and his rape victims would have taken their secret to the grave. A long life isn't always a blessing.
You want to know what hell on earth is? Chuck E. Cheese. Each one is a gateway into the bowels of hell.
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