Saturday, March 26, 2016

Heidi Cruz's Diary

I don’t know if I should do this. Laura Bush called me up and said I should record my thoughts. She said she had contacted all of the potential first ladies and told them that it is very important that we record our thoughts during the campaign. That it was important for posterity. So I discussed it with the voices in my head and they voted six to two to do it. So I will start writing down my thoughts and dreams. All of them except for the ones with Cthulhu in it.

This was a really tough week for me. Donald Trump threatened to spill the beans about me. After someone took a shot at his wife Melania. It wasn’t us. It was this bimbo who used to work for Scott Walker before she got canned for being a jerkoff in Iowa. She was the one who tried to slut shame Melania. It was really unfair for Trump to blame Ted. Why doesn’t he blame Scott Walker? He was the first to quit like a pussy and try to derail Trump. He is from Wisconsin so you know he would do anything. Ted is above all of that. He is so straight. So rigid. Most of the time. Just not when it counts.  Trump got them twisted and he said he would rat me out. The only question is what he was talking about.

He could be talking about the fact that I am part of the Trilateral Commission that was founded by Prescott Bush and Henry Cabot Lodge and all of those East Coast Liberal Republicans. You know. The people who control the world. They issue me orders and I try to carry them out. I do like to be ordered around. Ted would never get into that. He didn't like role playing. Except for the one where he is Justice Taney and I was Dred Scott. That he could get into the freak!

Trump could talk about the fact that both Ted and I were closely attached to the Bushes. That Ted’s independent super conservative image is all for show. That it is easy for him to strike a pose as Mr. Ideology because he knew he couldn't win. Why should he work for policies that could help the common working man. I mean he is from Harvard for Cthulhu’s sake. He has a lot more in common with Barack Obama than Joe the Plumber. Ted was playing catch up with Trump. He has to harden his stance on Mexicans and Muslims and all of the other stuff. I just wish he would have hardened his stance in the boudoir. Then I wouldn't have had so many problems. I wouldn't be so fucked up.

I hope he wouldn't sink so low as to talk about the time I tried to walk into traffic. Look I was depressed. I admit it. We were having a tough time. Ted was banging a whole bunch of women and he wouldn't touch me. What is wrong with me? I am pretty. I am desirable. Why is he off sclonging Katrina Pierson and Amanda Carpenter? What do they have that I don’t have? I gave him children. I gave him the best years of my life. What can they give him? Herpes. You know that Katrina bitch has the herp. There is no doubt about it.

Now Ted is fighting with Trump about this story in the National Enquirer where they list all the bimbos Ted has been banging. They are always right when they do these stories. Bill and Monica. John Edwards. Tiger Woods. Gary Hart. The hooker the CIA used to murder Scalia. They have all the straight poop. You know Ted takes straight poops. Like a ruler. I think it is because he is the perfect asshole.

Anyway Ted is blaming Trump for this because he is friends with that guy who owns the Enquirer. Mr. Pecker. But I know it was Little Marco that did it. He is friends with many peckers. It is just like a nasty little queen like that to leak it after he got bitch slapped in his own state. Cubans are always so jealous of each other. What a mistake that I took up with a Cuban. Look I like Latin men. They are muy sexy. Maybe after the election I will look around. If Ted can step out maybe I can too.

You know I kind of dig Dominicans. They are so greasy. Slide right in. I am a little dry down there. At least with Ted.  Our number one fan bags said he could introduce us to this really famous Dominican blogger. Lou or Lame or something. Anyway maybe I will give him a call.

What could go wrong?


windbag said...

This is an invaluable public service, these diaries. Now that being First Lady is a launching pad for the Oval Office, we need these insights to fully assess who we want as President.

edutcher said...

Many a true word..., as they say.

The funny part is the subtitle of the National Enquirer piece, "A hooker, a teacher, and coworkers". All of the coworkers have been IDed, now we need to find the hooker and the teacher because we know they'll talk.

Or maybe Sarah Flores or even Mrs Fiorina will, now that even US News has taken an interest in the big payoff, implying Carly's endorsement of the One True Ted was part of the bargain.

Looks like this is one fight Ted's gonna wish he never picked.

William said...

Katrina Pierson, who is Trump's spokesperson, was named by the Enquirer as one of Cruz's mistresses. She denied the story so far as it pertained to herself but said she couldn't speak for the other women involved. A Trump spokesperson would say that wouldn't they. Would Trump be so unethical as to tempt Cruz with a Mata Hari or would Cruz be clever enough to penetrate her disguise, so to speak. Very interesting. Someone, like, for example, Katrina Pierson, will get a seven figure book advance after this campaign is over.

Trooper York said...

William she had previously worked under Ted Cruz in various positions. So she has a lot to tell.

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

ed's link...

Trump, who has an estate in Palm Beach, Florida, is reportedly longtime friends with Enquirer CEO David Pecker. The tabloid's headquarters are in nearby Boca Raton.

Trump took to social media on Friday to deny any connection to the National Enquirer story.

Pecker -that's perfect. A couple of peckers.

edutcher said...


The denial of one of the was a bit lukewarm, to say the least.

"I don’t think the article is true. I can’t see Cruz being like that…"

ricpic said...

Heidi. Do we really want another driven First Lady?

Trooper York said...

That only proves that Little Marco was the source of the rumors.

He loves the pecker. Just sayn'

Trooper York said...

I think the $500,000 payoff to Carly's PAC is the more interesting story. What is One True Ted's explanation for that one?

He wanted to even up the playing field?

He likes Carly with the laughing face?

Enquiring minds want to know.

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

Trump supporters pushed the story hard, and now Trump is denying he and his pal Pecker were in on it together.

Hilarious. Especially watching Trump supporters say - "well you know, it might be true." "It's really Rubio..." You have no idea how pathetic this is.

To quote a great mind on insty; Trumpkins will splash around in this sewage as if it were a bubble bath.

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

What we really need is a model with a nice ass. That's first lady material is you ask me and Troop.

Trooper York said...

It isn't Trump or Trump fans that say it was Rubio. It was Free Beacon and another virulent Anti-Trump website that has said a Rubio minion was shopping the story. Take your anti-Trump blinders off for a minute.

Personally I don't care about the fact that Ted is stepping out because his wife isn't sexy in that white jacket that ties in the back. The thing is he tried to slut shame Melania and present himself as the perfect Christian. His number one booster Glenn Beck is all over the evangelical angle. How Trump is not a Christian and how no Christian should vote for him. So Teddy has to realize you reap what you sow. What goes around comes around.

If something is going to come back to bite the First Lady in the ass don't you want it to be a First Lady with a great ass?

edutcher said...

Hate to interrupt your blind hatred, but the adultery story is the work of friends of Marco Rubio.

I know the Cruzzers are soreheads, but even Slate and the Daily Beast put the blame on Rubio's people. And they seem to enjoy splashing around in the sewage of their own blind hatred.

Trooper York said...

I think the $500,000 payoff to Carly's PAC is the more interesting story. What is One True Ted's explanation for that one?

He wanted to even up the playing field?

He likes Carly with the laughing face?

Enquiring minds want to know.

So does the WaPo and US News (and Mort Zuckerman is no Cruzzer). That's what will blow this thing wide open, not the acts, but the coverup.

I have to admit Mrs Fiorina's endorsement was a bit of a surprise, but maybe this explains it.

Just like Katrina Pierson is so gung ho for The Donald. She denies any part in it, but a woman scorned...

edutcher said...

One other thing, can you imagine what a great October surprise this would have made if the One True Ted was the nominee?

The Lefties would have been orgasmic.

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

Don't buy it. If anyone shopped the story in the past (camp Rubio - or whomever) and it was too thin - that's it's own story. Besides, that was supposedly a while ago now. The reality is that Trump supporters amassed and pushed it all day YESTERDAY, and when it fell apart, they quickly tried to blame a conspiracy.

The National Enquirer, who just endorsed Trump, did run the story.

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

"If something is going to come back to bite the First Lady in the ass don't you want it to be a First Lady with a great ass?"

All we are saying.... Give a nice ass a chance.

ricpic said...

Philosopher: What is the meaning of life?

Teenage boy: A nice ass.

Thirty year old go-getter: A nice ass.

Fifty year old executive with a corner suite: A nice ass.

Eighty year old Jew: A gless tay (glass of tea) and a nice soft round piece of sponge cake.

bagoh20 said...

Is there something wrong with Melania freely choosing to pose for those pictures and getting paid to have them published and hoping as many people as possible see them?

If not, then what foul was committed by doing exactly what she was hoping and getting paid for.

ricpic said...

Technically not a foul. But highlighting "revealing" pictures of Melania in her up and coming model phase was throwing dirt.

edutcher said...

Yes, April, they ran it.

But who gave it to them?

Twarn't The Donald.

You're losin' it, kid.

No, bag, and I guess there's nothing wrong with telling the country somebody's a phony.

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

You know this, ed? only Donny would benefit in Wisconsin if the dirt sticks.

bagoh20 said...

Highlighting widely published photos? By highlighting you can only mean saying here is something already seen by millions. Is that really dirt? I mean is it like suggesting a candidate had affairs, or saying another candidate is like a pedophile, or is pathological?

I would say that a fair and equal payback to hurt Cruz would be to say that his wife worked for Goldman-Sacks. Both things are true, widely known, actually how both wives made an honest living, and only negatives to some voters.

bagoh20 said...

Also Ed, neither thing is a matter of opinion.

edutcher said...


Trooper York said...

Bags this is beneath you. They sent these photos out to Mormons. With the express purpose of slut shaming Melania and asking "Is this who you want to be First Lady." It wasn't an innocent move. It was targeted marketing meant to attack Trump.

So publicizing Cruz's alleged sexcapades is fair game. Especially if it is before Wisconsin which if full of moralizing preening virtue signalers. You know those rabid feminists who hate men to the point that they have ill fated liaisons with beta males who find their sexual release in abusing borrowed canines.

If the Trump campaign is behind this then they are just engaging in the same direct marketing that Cruz did with sending this out to the social conservative Mormons. So what's your beef?

AllenS said...

worked under Ted Cruz in various positions -- Trooper York

I see what you did there.

Chip Ahoy said...

Melania, your photos are fantastic. *transports into the scene* Now, that's how to model jewelry and that's how to photograph a lady. Mah Lady, smooch *kisses hand* you are beautiful. Beautiful. And nobody would doubt the jewelry is yours. Scooch over. *lowers voice to near whisper* Lemme see your nails. See that's a great color for you. Nice choice, because it doesn't go ZAP blow your eyeballs out. I would be proud to have you for First Lady. Better than Dolly Madison even. Gracious hostess actually toning it all down for international display from your regular less scrutinized ways. Not up. Down. That's the best thing about you. No plundering. We won't be hearing stories of you selling off rooms for the night to puff up your Party coffers, nor nick historic pieces for your own personal collection when leaving. Far better a gorgeous gracious woman like you than a political hag. Squeeze. *transports back* She otay.

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

Troop - I love ya man because you make me laugh. But you are full of baloney.

Chip - It's true. The finest things about Trump are his other family members. (daughter - wife) I do wish Trump wasn't a desperate sleaze merchant, afraid to talk to Megyn Kelly.

Did I say desperate sleaze merchant out loud? - I meant to say flowers and candy.

Trooper York said...

He is not afraid to talk to Megyn Kelly. Why should he give her show a boost when she dedicates her program to destroying him every night? He doesn't have a problem with going on a show with and adversarial questioner. Witness the fact that he is doing a Town Hall with Chris Matthews on MSNBC. But why should he make more money for FOX?

Trump knows he is at war with the media. Megyn Kelly got in a cheap shot. Trump responded in the same way he would to a dude. But that gave everyone the vapors. The white Knights and the feminazi's were aghast. You see a woman can't take it. He has said a lot worse to dudes.

So I don't think he is afraid to talk to her. He is rightfully afraid about what he would say to her. So better to cut her out. Women should get used to that. That is why they can't get promoted or be alone with their bosses. Why take a chance? There is no upside. Go with a tough interview with a hostile dude. Then you can be yourself. Let Megyn cover the Bake Off or something.

bagoh20 said...

I don't consider Melania a slut, or what she did shameful. Maybe you do. If some Mormons do, that's up to them to judge what the lady actually did and did quite publicly. Unless a candidate puts a sex tape on the internet, I don't see how their sex life is anyway comparable territory. Just grow a pair, and admit that you want to coddle The Donald and protect him from all us people saying mean things that just happen to be true, while you salivate at the possibility of another Republican having some dirt whether true or not like a high school mean girl waiting to pounce.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

So far these seem to be the most important thoughts in this thread,

1. If the First Lady is a launching pad for future President we need to know about the potential First Lady In Heidi's case it would be her ties to the international financial global initiative types. What type of work did she do in the past. What is her influence in thinking and policy on her husband? How involved will she be in the administration. It seems that Heidi's career has been supportive of all the things that Cruz decries....or does he? Hmmmm.

2. Why did Cruz give Fiorina, his opponent $500,000. Where did that money come from? This is really hinky...even more so than the hookers and mistresses. What sort of deal are Fiorina and Cruz cooking up?

3. Bags and April seem to think it is fine to slut shame someone with photos TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT, with no attribution that they are professional model shots and were in a very respected magazine (GQ) for the sole purpose of making Melania look like some sort of porno star or loose morals woman Well this says a whole lot about those two, doesn't it. It was dirty dirty pool and you know it.

4. There seems to be some sort of implied connection between Trump and the magazine. Implied without any proof other than a flaming desire that it be so
Here is the deal. If you can't blame Cruz for the slut shaming photo put out by a PAC that he says he had no idea.....then how can you be so hypocritical as to blame Trump for the actions of a magazine over which he has no control. It is EXACTLY the same situation, except certain people want to blame Trump and give Cruz a pass. Please check your hypocrisy at the door.

Personally, I think that the wives and children of the candidates should be off limits....however....that cat is out of the bag when Cruz did not vociferously disavow the slut shaming ad. He didn't. You do know that? Right?

I also think that the National Enquirer, which has successfully broken stories like this in the past which have been proven to be true (Edwards for example) wouldn't let their Pultizer Prize winning author go out on such a shaky limb without knowing they have the goods.

Personally, again, I could give a flying fuck if Cruz is shtupping all the bimbos in Washington DC or Texas. I DO give a flying fuck if he is presenting himself as some sort of moral paragon while lying not only to his wife (which explains her depression episode) but to all the rest of us. If he lies about THIS...what else is he lying about.

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

Trump should face his destruction. Do it now before the rest of us have to live with Hillary. Man up.

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

The photos are of little importance to me.

The real crapper story is the one pushed by Trump supporters yesterday insisting that Cruz cheated on his wife. Then when the story unraveled, the very same supporters scrambled screaming about conspiracy theories and set-ups.
All while the guy who owns the National Enquirer, RAN THE STORY, and is a Trump pal and he just endorsed him.

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

Did Cruz himself post any of the photos in question? NOPE.

Trump (Trump himself) posted a sexy photo of his wife next to a very unflattering photos of Heidi.
Is this where we are now as a nation? My wife is hotter than yours? BTW - if you are married to a model, you win.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

All while the guy who owns the National Enquirer, RAN THE STORY

Come ON....use your head. Do you really think, after the Gawker judgement, that the National Enquirer is going to run with a nothing burger story? You think that they want to be sued into oblivion? I don't think they are suicidal. Remember the huge stink when they broke the story about Edwards? There were weeks of vitriol spewed at the was proven to be true.

Not only did the Rubio campaign have this information. It was all over Twitter weeks ago but under the hash tag #thething. Look it up.

This is what happens when your minions are playing dirty pool with the facts (Carson) and slut shaming targeted at the candidates wife. Don't give me that crap that Cruz didn't know about these things. Bull Shite. He knew and he approved. If he didn't know then he is too stupid and out of control to be running for President.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

Trump (Trump himself) posted a sexy photo of his wife next to a very unflattering photos of Heidi.

Bull Shit again. Trump merely re-tweeted the photos. Probably he shouldn't have. They were created and posted by someone else.

If you can't or won't blame Cruz for his supporters' actions then how can you blame Trump for his supporters' actions. It is exactly the same. Either you blame both or blame neither. I'm not so naive as to think that Cruz or Trump are totally blameless. However. Cruz started it.

Trooper York said...

Bags you are a funny guy. I love Melania. I think she will be the greatest first lady since Lucretia Garfield who had two vaginas.

The fact is that the Cruz forces tried to pull a fast one. Just like they did with Carson. Just like they did with the voter "warnings." This is not the first time.

It is laughable to say that Trump fans don't want him to be beat up. He takes more hits than anyone. About his hair. His finances. His family. His small hands. You name it and they throw it at him. What gets everyone upset is that he throws it back. Down and dirty. Even downer and dirtier.

Some one said if they hit you then you hit them back twice as hard. If they bring a knife you bring a gun. If they slut shame your wife you bring back the sluts you shamed by putting your rigidly ideological dick in while your poor wife wandered out into traffic.

Tit for tat.

And you know what. Melania has the nicest tits. By far. Just sayn'

bagoh20 said...

If you want some insight into all this, just honestly (HONESTLY) imagine that it was Heidi Cruz in those photos, or Michelle Obama and how the joy of the mean girls would flow in here.

Trooper York said...

If Michelle Obama was in those photos we would still be throwing up.

Trooper York said...

Heidi could not pose for those photos. There is no shame in that. Not everyone can be a super model. She doesn't claim to be one. Just as Melania doesn't claim to be a shill for the Tri Lateral Commission and a minion of the fat cats in Goldman Sachs. Each should be judged for what they are good at.

Melania was an excellent model and all around hot piece of ass.

Heidi was a great minion of the Establishment and enabler of the control of Wall Street over the finances of the hoi polloi you love to make fun of.

And Michelle? Well I will leave her alone. Bless her heart.

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

DBQ - NE - they use phrasing so as not to get sued. Everyone knows that. Everyone also knows that libel suits are hard to pursue.
The Gawker case is different because of the consent - or lack of - and a video.
Just like Erin Andrews.

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

Tweet and re-tweet. Same thing to me.

Titus said...

Heidi Cruz is a crazy bitch, and her "job" she received at Goldman Sachs was basically a gift.

The Cruz's are not outsiders; they are major insiders.

Even his kids hate Cruz. He tried to kiss his little girl and she was like giving him the hand.

Give em hell Trump.

Titus said...

And then get onto Hillary and Bill.

Heidi's name is crazy Heidi.

What will Hillary's name be?

I love giving people names.


BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

Trump needed a boost before Wisconsin so his buddy at NE obliged. The Rubio angles do not wash. If Rubio tried and failed to find a taker, then so what? Trump found a taker and his supporters dutifully pushed it.

windbag said...

When Beck is vouching for your evangelical credentials, you might be considered desperate.

Titus said...

Carpet Mucher Hillary?
Beaver Bumper Hillary?
Lover of all kinds of fish Hillary?
Whale Watch lover Hillary?

edutcher said...

AprilApple said...

Trump needed a boost before Wisconsin so his buddy at NE obliged. The Rubio angles do not wash

Of course, they do.

The One True Ted wanted him knocked out of the race as soon as possible. The dirty trick in HI was the last straw.

Rubio's friends took a blood oath and did the deed. You need to get out more. This stuff happens everywhere.

How do you think that mountain corpses left in the Ozark Mafia's wake happened?

Trooper York said...

Wait I did see a cheesecake photo of Michelle Obama.

Do still publish National Geographic?

Trooper York said...

If the Crack Emcee were still alive he would say that is racist.

Rabel said...

At least we got this question out of the way. I await Trump's response.

Sixty Grit said...

The Heidi Bowl should be a fond memory - the dog ass Jets lost.

Methadras said...

At this point, I don't care if Cruz has an affair or not. We already know where the great moralist Trump stands on this. In either case, I'd vote for Melania as president at this point. Thank you.