I don’t know if I should do this. Laura Bush called me up and said I should record my thoughts. She said she had contacted all of the potential first ladies and told them that it is very important that we record our thoughts during the campaign. That it was important for posterity. So I discussed it with the voices in my head and they voted six to two to do it. So I will start writing down my thoughts and dreams. All of them except for the ones with Cthulhu in it.
This was a really tough week for me. Donald Trump threatened to spill the beans about me. After someone took a shot at his wife Melania. It wasn’t us. It was this bimbo who used to work for Scott Walker before she got canned for being a jerkoff in Iowa. She was the one who tried to slut shame Melania. It was really unfair for Trump to blame Ted. Why doesn’t he blame Scott Walker? He was the first to quit like a pussy and try to derail Trump. He is from Wisconsin so you know he would do anything. Ted is above all of that. He is so straight. So rigid. Most of the time. Just not when it counts. Trump got them twisted and he said he would rat me out. The only question is what he was talking about.
He could be talking about the fact that I am part of the Trilateral Commission that was founded by Prescott Bush and Henry Cabot Lodge and all of those East Coast Liberal Republicans. You know. The people who control the world. They issue me orders and I try to carry them out. I do like to be ordered around. Ted would never get into that. He didn't like role playing. Except for the one where he is Justice Taney and I was Dred Scott. That he could get into the freak!
Trump could talk about the fact that both Ted and I were closely attached to the Bushes. That Ted’s independent super conservative image is all for show. That it is easy for him to strike a pose as Mr. Ideology because he knew he couldn't win. Why should he work for policies that could help the common working man. I mean he is from Harvard for Cthulhu’s sake. He has a lot more in common with Barack Obama than Joe the Plumber. Ted was playing catch up with Trump. He has to harden his stance on Mexicans and Muslims and all of the other stuff. I just wish he would have hardened his stance in the boudoir. Then I wouldn't have had so many problems. I wouldn't be so fucked up.
I hope he wouldn't sink so low as to talk about the time I tried to walk into traffic. Look I was depressed. I admit it. We were having a tough time. Ted was banging a whole bunch of women and he wouldn't touch me. What is wrong with me? I am pretty. I am desirable. Why is he off sclonging Katrina Pierson and Amanda Carpenter? What do they have that I don’t have? I gave him children. I gave him the best years of my life. What can they give him? Herpes. You know that Katrina bitch has the herp. There is no doubt about it.
Now Ted is fighting with Trump about this story in the National Enquirer where they list all the bimbos Ted has been banging. They are always right when they do these stories. Bill and Monica. John Edwards. Tiger Woods. Gary Hart. The hooker the CIA used to murder Scalia. They have all the straight poop. You know Ted takes straight poops. Like a ruler. I think it is because he is the perfect asshole.
Anyway Ted is blaming Trump for this because he is friends with that guy who owns the Enquirer. Mr. Pecker. But I know it was Little Marco that did it. He is friends with many peckers. It is just like a nasty little queen like that to leak it after he got bitch slapped in his own state. Cubans are always so jealous of each other. What a mistake that I took up with a Cuban. Look I like Latin men. They are muy sexy. Maybe after the election I will look around. If Ted can step out maybe I can too.
You know I kind of dig Dominicans. They are so greasy. Slide right in. I am a little dry down there. At least with Ted. Our number one fan bags said he could introduce us to this really famous Dominican blogger. Lou or Lame or something. Anyway maybe I will give him a call.
What could go wrong?