Thursday, March 31, 2016

Melania Trump's Diary

On Wisconsin. Or more correctly “In Wisconsin.” We are here in Cheeseland for the Wisconsin primary to try and get these people to vote for us. And it is not going well.

You see the people in this state are very strange. Almost retarded. They sure talk funny and are obsessed with cheese. Not even tasty cheese. Not Gruyère or Brie or Gouda. Cheddar. Plain government cheddar cheese. They love to wear plastic hats shaped into cheese wedges and cheer for some baseball team called the Fudge Packers or something. It is all very confusing for a girl from Europe.

I have been going to a few events on my own based on the advice of Laura Bush. She told me I could be a great advocate for Donald and get people to vote for him by charming them just the way Laura did. I mean some First Ladies couldn’t do it. Pat Nixon and Betty Ford were always drunk so that didn’t work. Roslynn Carter only attracted serial killers like John Wayne Gacy. Lady Bird was too ladylike and couldn’t mix with the common people. Nancy Reagan was too aloof and pretentious. Believe it or not the First Lady who was the best at is was Bug Eyed old Barbara Bush. She would go into an American Legion Hall and eat some wings down a beer and wipe her mouth on her sleeve and fart. The rubes loved it. And she loved Wrestling just like Donald. Funny what people latch on to you know?

So I decided to do an event in Madison Wisconsin. This is a dinky little college town that thinks it is all that. The way the people here talk about it makes you laugh. They talk about the nightlife and the restaurants and the artistic community like it was Paris instead of being a hemorrhoid on the asshole of America. I mean if you have been in New York or Paris or London or Tokyo or even Boca Raton you have to laugh at their pretentious twaddle.

Corey set me up with an event at a catering hall right outside the University of Wisconsin. I think they actually call it a “supper club.” Not a supper club like they have in New York where you dress in black tie and dance to the music of a big band orchestra. More like fish sticks on a vinyl tablecloth with a one legged toothless goober playing polka music on his accordion. Anyhoo I had to tough it out and take one for the team. Just like when I had to let Frank Deford come on my tits so my modeling company would get the Sports Illustrated photo shoot. But that’s another story.

When I walked in I felt like I had stepped into a Todd Browning movie. Or for you more illiterate American readers it was just like the bar in the first Star Wars. What a bunch of misshapen losers. I accepted a bunch of wilted flowers from a cross eyed school girl with a stained jumper, listened to an off key rendition of America the Beautiful and made a few short remarks. Then I sat down to sign autographs and to meet the voters.

The first Wisconsinite in the line sort of set the tone. He was a large greasy man in a sweat stained green sports jersey with a big G on it. He had on ill-fitting sweat pants that he had relieved himself in several times. He took my hand with a limp handshake and started mumbling about secret routers and would Donald have the Justice Department investigate Governor Walker if he won. Corey grabbed him and wrestled him away. Great. Another lawsuit.

Next a raddled desiccated old crone dressed in dandruff covered black velvet came up to the table. She was accompanied by a shifty eyed beta male carrying a little dog. I couldn’t believe it but it looked like he was sticking his finger into the dog’s anus and then smelling it. I was weirded out.

Oh did I tell you that this elderly bleached blond claimed to be a professor at the University. That couldn’t be right could it? I mean she could barely put together a coherent thought. She reminded me of Bette Davis in “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.” I guess Baby Jane became a Law Professor. She was a lethal mix of pomposity and ignorance that I had not run across since the last time I spoke to Lawrence O’Donnell.  Anyway she was screeching away about legal issues and how Donald had to appoint the right person to the Court and strangely enough about not wearing shorts. It was very disconcerting. Then she demanded that the government find a cure for people who had lost their sense of smell. Which was obviously her problem since her boyfriend smelled of desperation and dog feces. Luckily the advance team stepped in and forced them away.

The stream of Wisconsin Weirdos continued. A wiry gentlemen who claimed to be a private eye who wanted to rant about reality TV and that Donald appoint some guy named Turley to the Supreme Court. A flaming gay man of about fifty with tufts of hair growing out of his ears who said he was fabulous and wanted Donald to name a “Clumber” as the Official National Dog. Weirdo after weirdo. Wisconsin seems like the epicenter of weirdness in the United States. It is the Area 51 of fuckupedness.

I can’t wait to get out of here.


edutcher said...

I'm betting The Donald does better than anybody wants to believe in the Cheesehead State.

And Kasich comes in second.

Of course, Melania's right. Bust a couple moves on the rubes and Trump wins.

Titus said...

You actually nailed it Troop, but not about me.

First of all I haven't lived in Wisconsin in 20 years.

The supper club thing was pretty spot on though.


ricpic said...

Wow, I didn't know Melania was that well endowed.

There's nothing more unreadable than middle Titus.

Sixty Grit said...

I laughed. Well done. The Garage Mahal bit was great - I had forgotten about that fat fuck.

Lem said...

Rush listeners are fed up with his Trump bromance and they are letting him know today.

AllenS said...

We're not strange or retarded, we're drunk.

Trooper York said...

On cheese.

edutcher said...

Lem said...

Rush listeners are fed up with his Trump bromance and they are letting him know today.

I didn't think he took calls anymore.

Besides, I thought he'd gone over to the Dark side with the One True Ted.

edutcher said...

Looks like Rinse may have just tossed in the towel.

Trump meets with RNC

Wouldn't we love to be a fly on that wall.

ricpic said...

Wow, you coulda fooled me that Rush is a Trumpet. He's actually positioning himself to support whoever the GOP offers, up to and including Yeb. Lost a lot of listeners with his too cute by half fancy footwork this time around.

Trooper York said...

Even Rhinos buy sneakers.

Trooper York said...

You know people like bags and April talk about Trump fans as if we are in a cult. That they want to drive up in a van and kidnap us and deprogram us to get that sick Trumpiness out of our system.

In fact they are the ones who are coming off as fanatics. Puritans. Slut Shaming. J'accusing. Fake war on womening. SJWing all over the place. #NeverTrump. It is fanatical. Seriously.

It is an election. It is won by getting the most votes. Go out and get the votes. Win fair and square. Don't try and rig the results. Don't try and change the rules after the game has started because you don't like how it is going.

Cause if you want to that you should join the Democrats. That is their stock in trade.

edutcher said...

Thanks for saying that, Troop.

I've felt like a voice crying in the wilderness, particularly at Insta (pretty much given up on the place; too many lunatics), also JWF, Ace, PJMedia, HotAir, TownHall, PowerLine, Newsmax (if anybody's keeping score)

Sixty Grit said...

Hell, if I had a van I'd be livin' in it DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!

Wait, that would be a step up from how most liberals and commies view anyone who might vote for Trump.

The thing is - he is not Cruz, he is not Hillary, he is not Biden, he is uncouth, he is wildly unpredictable, and were he elected he would probably rule like an idiot, but you know what, we have already proven that idiots can be president. At least he doesn't, apparently, hate America.

So there you have it - my deeply reasoned, well researched anti-politician rant. I am not particularly for Trump, but I deeply hate the politicians, like the two RINO senators in my state, who refuse to stand for anything. I hope they both lose next time they have to run.

Do I need to include the traditional FOAD tag, or is that understood?

edutcher said...

Sixty, a lot of that was said about Reagan.

Sixty Grit said...

Clean up on aisle Mead.

edutcher said...

Let's start a pool.

DC Madam's lawyer says her client list could blow the election wide open.

Who takes off for North Korea if the list comes out?

PS The cardinal finally gets it right.

Trooper York said...

I think Trump fans don't read there ed.
Or they can't read. Whatever.
(You see Trump fans have a sense of humor about ourselves)

Trooper York said...

Lawnboy will be deleted here at all times. It is tiresome. But then that is what he is.

Trooper York said...

Anti-Trumpers lose it all the time when Trump says something. But if he calls out someone else then they get all butt hurt.

I wonder who will be on the Madam's List. Ask youself this question. If it is Trump....well it would not really change the opinions of those who hate him. He might lose some Evangelicals and holy rollers but the Mormons are already against him and I think most of his fans would just laugh.

But if Ted Cruz gets named....well then what? Is that a complete repudiation of his whole persona. Will Heidie have go back to Arkham Asylum with Barbara Kean and the Penguin? If it is Lindsey Graham will everyone die in shock because he was with a woman? If it is Bill Clinton will Hillary say it is part of Right Wing Conspiracy? If it is John Kasich would anybody care at all?

Enquiring minds want to know?

TrooperYork said...

You see the politicians and the comedians and the media attack and mock Trump unmercifully. Which is fine. He takes it. He might be sensitive about somethings like his small hands but that is just him being a human being. There is nothing that the media or Hillary can not throw at him that has not been out there already.

On the other hand Hillary has not been touched. Bernie is almost beating her and he never takes a shot at the emails or Benghazi or the Clinton Foundation or Bill's past rapes or any of the mud that sticks to Hillary. The media keeps that down the memory hole and if anyone mentions it they are shouted down. Well they are not going to shout Trump down. He is going to put it out there loud and clear. Without fear or favor. Not something that Cruz or Romney or Rubio or Ryan would do. That will be the difference in the general.

Adamsunderground said...

Her chest looks positively goitrous

edutcher said...

Wait till her talk with Comey.

Jim Dolan said...

On the other hand Hillary has not been touched. Bernie is almost beating her and he never takes a shot at the emails or Benghazi or the Clinton Foundation or Bill's past rapes or any of the mud that sticks to Hillary

Well, I can think of one man who's gone after her.

The only one.

And it ain't the One True Ted

PS That meeting Trump had with Rinse.

Wonder if he knows whose name is on that list.

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

@ Troop
You know people like bags and April talk about Trump fans as if we are in a cult. That they want to drive up in a van and kidnap us and deprogram us to get that sick Trumpiness out of our system.

why on earth did you plant that idea? I've never been to New York... I need to plan a trip.... with my van.

Trooper York said...

You can come with bags. I know he has a van.

It's the one he uses to help little Mexican girls come in over the border to work in his factory.

The really great thing about it is that it is stocked with lots of candy.

Third Coast said...

Hilarious piece of writing Troop. Best laugh I've had in a month. Unfortunately, on this side of Lake MI, we're downwind from the cheese eaters.

Methadras said...

I like her boobies.

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

I like candy.

chickelit said...

I never noticed Melania Trump until the Donald brought her on stage. I prefer her looks before all that surgery. The breasts are obviously fake.

Sixty Grit said...


chickelit said...

Well Sixty, I know you're an expert.

chickelit said...

Trooper York said...You can come with bags. I know he has a van.

In the future, Cruzis will employ Gaswagons to help move Trumpers around from poll to poll.

Sixty Grit said...

I thought you self-deported, you steaming pile of shit, Mead. Shouldn't you be applying to fill a long vacant professorial slot?