Saturday, October 6, 2018

Pelosi explains her party's little reindeer games.

WASL

We were working on V-sign words and this song came to mind:



Perhaps some of us are standing up for our rights.

A Rastaman friend of mine recently posted this picture and I immediately recognized the bowl as one I had made.


Based on that question the only response is this.

A while ago I asked Chip, the master of the pop-up book how those things work. He 'splained it and I built a display rack based on what I learned. Now that my photo editor allows me to edit details of a picture I can post a pop-up box I made last year. It has three racks to hold my work, the first picture shows it unfolded and unloaded, the second shows it stocked. All three pieces fold into the box which has handles so I can carry it. Think of it as a pop-up book made out of plywood. 



Lastly, my dog looked at me and wondered why I had a spring in my step. Well, sometimes politics can invade even my sequestered life.


Rock and roll! Kick out the jams!

Edit - I just watched that video, and as much as I like the energy throughout, the plasticman dance starting at 2:53 is funny as hell.

Edit.2 - here are two more pictures of my pop-up box - first, closed:


Next, box partially opened:


It's never too early on a foggy morning for a bit of pickin' an' such.


Sunrise this morning.


Long lines in Topeka for Trump MAGA rally

So what's news?

Nothing.

It'a phenomenon sweeping the nation. In Topeka people were waiting hours in the rain and the cold for the chance to see their president.

And the weird thing is nobody is screaming, nobody is protesting, everybody is mentally balanced and sane and pleasant.

The crowd is emotionally settled. There are no disputes, the collective vibration hums like a whale pod at rest, it is relaxed and mature.

Except wardrobe choices all around. That's the part I don't understand. There is no energy there.  It is a vibrational void. No reading to take. Flatlined. Everyone shops the same place, and buys the same things. Scanning the whole group, there is not an individual style to be seen. No one even individualizes their hat as political people do with political buttons, no one makes their Make America Great Again hat great. No one sews flaps on them to cover their ears, no one lines them with flannel, no one attaches a light to them, no magnifying glass attached to a MAGA hat, no stripes, no flames, no detailing, no dingleberries around the brim, no cartoons, no patches, no water mister attached, no motorized propeller. Nothing upgraded. No one puts money into wardrobe. It's simply not a value. Trumpland is the same place as Walmart, the same vibration as a hospital waiting room.

Yet they are vast. They are legion. This is their entertainment. Better than anything. Just waiting in line and not getting in is their event. They seem fine knowing they're not getting in. So what. It's still their community event. Their president came to town and they all went to see him.

It blows my mind.

Bad Things by Machine Gun Kelly and Camila Cabello

A little deaf boy watches this song interpreted in American Sign Language and is amused. It's the boy's favorite song.

Ah! I guessed wrong.

I just now read the description.

I see four interpretations. A girl with thick long red hair who's copping sexy poses, moving her mass of hair around, getting situated in various situations around the house unnecessarily edited between them, does a fairly poor interpretation.

A young black girl does an excellent smooth interpretation in textbook sign.

A young man does a harsher, slap-dash version using the same signs.

A young thin silky-long haired Asian girl, it looks like to me, makes up her faces with Joker lips for the male portions and pigtails for the female version. Rather good interpretation.

While they all do things a bit off. Two of them say "complicated" backwards. It's like two hooked inchworms crossing each other, they do it separated from each other as scissors opening. Here, look. Similar version.

I don't know why people say "head" from the jaw to the cheek. The actual sign goes from the jaw to the top of the head. It bugs me when people show their brains in their jaw. Here, look. Again.

Each individual video has other things a bit off.

I guess which video the child was watching because the Joker face girl seemed to me the most intriguing to a child.

The red head sex pot is too far away from the camera to be interesting to a child.

The male is too sharp and harsh to interest the child.

The black girl is partially lost to the shadow, her sign is smooth and flowing with nothing to interest a child. Yet it does. The child picked the most friendly, sweetest, smoothest, clearest, the best video if he saw all four of them.

Poop. Now it says in editor the video unavailable. In case it doesn't show out of editor, here is the woman that the child is watching.



This is the child. Ew, he's so cute I could gobble him up.

The description on YouTube says, "This is my little brother ..." The hand that reaches in to move his hair is tender. Love is obvious. The boy absorbs the affection, keeps watching without moving at the hair adjustment, showing that he gets a lot of that. This boy is in a good family.

Adults were constantly touching my hair. Straightening me out, combing my hair, brushing my hair messing it up. I thought that was weird. "Get your f'k'n germ-hands outta my hair." But now I understand it. Children are living dolls for adults. That's what you do with your dolls.

Party planned

William Jacobson at Legal Insurrection is in top form.

He says that he's taking nothing for granted concerning the Kavanaugh vote, nonetheless he's prepared for fireworks and music if Trump's nomination passes.

It's a custom overlay that appears to shoot fireworks while music plays.

You know, he has an eclectic taste in music. He posts a video of an old song everyday and he comes up with some off-the-wall things. Today it's Friends of Distinction, Grazin' in the grass.

And before you know it, you're singing along. By "you" I mean "me."

He invites us all over at 3:00 so we're there when the voting starts and he suggests we stay until voting stops, and if Kavanaugh is confirmed then they launch. This is tomorrow. No wait, now that's today.

Commenters are in good form over there too. Have a look, if you like.

Susan Collins' speech

Yesterday Susan delivered an historic speech.

It's described as such by speech-listening people.

It's an hour long.

Just to explain herself.

To somebody.

It's actually a five minute speech but ever since that fateful night of a near-fatal accident, a head on collision that sent Mrs. Collins sailing through the windshield of her vehicle and into the windshield of an oncoming semi tractor trailer, knocking her clean through the cabin and into the back where ten thousand bottles of novocaine broke open and saturated her mouth for the four hours that it took to pull her out and left her tongue swollen the size of an African bull elephant's foot, she hasn't been able to speak quite properly.

She's slow.

Achingly slow.

Slower than a snail watching the grass grow while dragging Stephen Hawkings up a frozen river of molasses as the paint dries.

Here is the video of her (historic?) speech. I bet ten dollars nobody wants that.

Wisely, they wrote it all down so you don't have to torture yourself. I bet ten dollars nobody wants that.

What's a guy supposed to do?

I'll draw a picture instead.




Friday, October 5, 2018

A Pretty Good show on Nefflicks from Marvel (NOT SAFE FOR WORK)




Marvel has a bunch of series made exclusively for Netflicks that are pretty good. Daredevil. Jessica James. The Punisher. The Defenders. I think the best of them is Luke Cage.


Luke is the invulnerable superhero who got his powers by being experimented on  in prison. He can not be shot or stabbed. The thing that makes this show cool is the milieu he travels in. Its set in Harlem and it doesn't sugar coat it. The crime and drugs are front and center. It is not blamed on the white man. It is blamed on the human condition. So it rings true.


Plus the music is way cool. Especially in the club that is a stand in for the Apollo that is part of every episode.


Catch it if you can.


8Greens

There must be a million superfood products. Here are 25 of them with incredibly long descriptions of each. Some of them are only one ingredient, like wheatgrass juice powder, or spirulina, whatever that is, ashwagandha root powder, which is just an exotic name for withania somnifera, which is just another exotic name for poison gooseberry or winter cherry, a Solanaceae, which is a fancy name for nightshade; tomatoes, potatoes, eggplant, chili peppers and tobacco. Come on! Some of them are from a plant you never heard of from Hawaii. Others are ordinary like yeast. The apparent best ones are a combination of greens like 8Greens, except powder form that I suppose is mixed with water or used as powder in other recipes.

8Greens is distinguished from the rest by being the only powder compressed into tablet form with a trace of baking soda along with the natural acids and a binder that is also a sweetener to form a fizzy tablet. The tablet dissolves in bubbling action.

They're lauded as sugar free, but with another non-sugar sweetener, over and over we hear "sugar free, sugar fee, sugar free," even as the inventor, who looks a bit like Ann Coulter, sometimes mixes the drink with vodka.

Gawl, a health supplement with vodka.

That's my kind of gal.

The tablets are made from real greens.

I would really appreciate a video on green tablet production.

I need to see bushels of various greens dehydrated, processed to dust and and compressed into tablets.

I visualize a gigantic dehydrator loaded with bushels of greens that moves to a giant coffee bean mill that turns all the dry leaves to dust, with snow shovels adding artificial sweetener and baking soda, that moves to giant garbage compressor that punches out pills along a conveyer belt, that get shaken into stacks and slipped into little plastic tubes on their own conveyer.

The fizzy tablets are made from:
spinach
wheatgrass
kale
blue green algae
spirulina
aloe vera
chlorella
barley grass

Bring it. I'm all for algae and seaweed and kelp. I have 3 kinds around here and I use them a lot. They're delicious; nori, kombu and wakame. All three are excellent.

I made these flattened triangular rice balls called onigiri stuffed with teaspoon of ordinary tuna salad and wrapped in paper-like nori seaweed and the whole idea sounds flat and unappealing, and they're not attractive, but together they are compellingly excellent and a guy could get fat eating all that white rice.




The fizzy tablets contain the equivalent of:
6 cups spinach
15 cups broccoli
7 cups milk 
6 oranges


One tablet goes in 8oz of water. 

I bought one these tubes to try them out. 

What am I crazy? 

I don't want that many vegetables, milk and fruit all at one time. What kind of pig would eat that much broccoli?

The pills have a line impressed in the center so they can be snapped in half.

I used half a tablet in 1 pint of water for very diluted fizzy drink.  Twice. So one pill for 1 quart of water. 

They taste okay. Dey augh'ight. 

I don't know if I'll buy them again. I'll see how it goes. The pills can be mixed with any recipe that takes water. I could add a tablet to bread, to rice, potatoes, pot roast, salad dressing, cereal, oatmeal, cornbread, zucchini bread, anything. I could drop one in the coffee bean mill and use it as powder, sprinkle it into  meatloaf, into biscuits, into miso, into any soup. Whatever. Limited only by imagination. 

But if all that it does is darken my urine then pffffft there goes another health supplement. 

The cost is 1.20 - 1.40 a tablet, depending on where you buy them plus shipping. Less if you buy a box of six tubes. 10 tablets per tube. 

A girl and her starter

This warms the cockles of my heart.

Whatever those are, they're warmed.

Cockles are clams, right? Clams don't go with hearts. It doesn't make sense.

She told me that she's interested in learning to make sourdough bread.

I told her by text message how to get started with producing a sourdough starter.

She didn't do it.

Simple as it is, it seems too much like magic. I sense hesitancy at failing at magic.

I sent her two samples of extremely powerful Denver sourdough starter in dry powder form with instructions and insight and remarks.

I could write a book. Honestly. Off the top of my head I could easily write a whole book about sourdough bread. Including ancient history, naturally fermented bread across cultures globally, through dark ages, Renaissance to discovery of yeast cells and modern production.

To my shock and dismay my little note printed to six pages. Now she's going to think I'm some kind of loquacious professor. I considered reformatting to itty-bitty font size, but that would be even worse. So with deep reservations I sent it.

And that turns out by serendipity the right thing to do, because girls like her appreciate personal attention. If no one-on-one special and unique attention is given then that shows you don't care about them. A personal letter with apposite instructions means that I care about her, about something she wants, and six pages means I really really care.

Who knew?

I know this because she shows the letter in all subsequent relevant messages where it's not necessary.

The letter is her treasure. I did not expect that.


We're presently texting. Her starter separated and she thinks that's catastrophe. It actually means the starter is telling her to go faster with her feeding cycles.

She's well on her way to outstanding bread. If she follows instructions and gets this starter bubbling fiercely, with this starter that's just a few days, and then patiently ferments her dough, possibly use Jim Layhe's no-knead technique, this bread is going to blow her precious little mind. Because there isn't anything else like it. There just isn't.

Fire!

Oh yeah - we have achieved fire - not all that hard really when you have a ponderous pile of flammable material drying in the hot sun., to wit:


Bradford pear root and branch, twigs, leaves, sticks, chunks, random shop scrap - how brightly it will burn!


All it took was a bit of scrap paper and voom! 

It didn't take long to burn down to this:


At night it looked like this:


Who brought the marshmallows?

It is still smoking this morning, and I hope, burning out the silver maple stump that the fire pit is built on.

We had a nice sunset, probably due to all the extra smoke I put into the atmosphere:


Nice sunrise this morning, too:


No, wait, that was a couple of days ago, but it is still a good one.

My Mexican sunflowers are blooming - they are a treat this time of year. They are growing next to a white oak tree I transplanted from my old place - they hitched a ride in the root ball and are currently taller than the oak tree. Cool!


When you're too good for the work you've been assigned

Morticia makes ice cream sandwiches

I meant to say "Claire with Bon Appétit" but that other name came out.

She makes excellent cookies for these sandwiches and her explanations are outstanding. Stiffer dough so the cookies don't spread, salt because the cookies are eaten cold, control of the temperature of butter, and why, all along answering the unasked question "why," storing overnight so the cookies hydrate so the ice cream doesn't squish out when they're eaten, things like that all the way through.

For a green layer she chooses tea flavored ice cream.

Lame.

I'd choose mint. To go with the chocolate.

She uses four pints of top quality ice cream. Around here those are $5.50 each approximately. Twenty-two dollars of ice cream for fifteen sandwiches. 22/15 = less than 1.50 each. Plus the cost of the other ingredients.

Walmart sells 12 for $3.00, 25¢ each, and that means their ice cream is crap.

MATHS!

Like foam ice cream. Not dense and rich and heavy.

Claire sure does have a following on YouTube. She left Bon Appétit and her viewers grieved.

She is an excellent teacher.



Bonus Video!

Jenny Britton Bauer with Epicurious compares ice creams and along the way explains why some ice cream is better than others, and why it is worth the cost.

It's like all things in life, you really don't want crap products, not ever, so best to be able to identify quality and distinguish the real from the ersatz. The real thing is almost always more expensive for its materials and its labor, and almost always worth it. Not always but almost. But for the real product to be worth the extra cost you must be able to appreciate the differences. 



Did I ever tell you the time that Ed stole my gift to his dad?

Ed told me his dad likes nougat. 

Enstrom in Grand Junction makes the best almond nougat that I've ever tasted. The chunks are thick, the ingredients are butter, sugar, vanilla, that's it. The very thick slabs are coated with soft ground almond dust. 

Heaven.

And I mean it.

They have a store in Cherry Creek in a strip mall across University from Whole Foods, not in the larger mall. I picked up a box for Ed's dad and gave it to Ed to give to his dad, which he did. 

In Burmuda. 

What do you buy a person who has everything he could possibly want? 

You buy them the things that they like.

Ed has a twin, and boy, those two are scary identical. Turns out, this whole time Doug is actually the nicer twin. I didn't know this, for decades my friend is actually the evil twin. 

I knew he is deviant while still very nice to me, an outstanding friend actually, but the contrast in niceness between them is sharp. 

Their mother died. Her estate was large and unsettled. Vast, actually. It took years to discover and sort through. Immediately after her death the family assembled at their compound in Bermuda. The troubled sister was being ugly at the dinner table. They were all emotional but his troubled sister is the worst. She made it clear she wanted the whole compound in Bermuda. She created disruption about it right there at the table. Their dad was distraught, his world falling apart, his life coming to its close, he barked at his children, now all grown adults, and stormed off to his study.

Ed waited awhile then left the table and went into his dad's den. He was sitting behind his desk in the dark. Ed approached the desk, "I'm sorry, Dad, for what happened out there." 

"Grumph." 

Ed put the box of Enstrom on the desk and pushed it to his dad.

His dad took the box, opened it and choked.

He was emotionally wrecked. He collected himself momentarily.  It happened to be Valentine's day. He whispered to Ed, "Nobody has ever given me a Valentine present." 

!

After that, Ed couldn't admit in that tightly wrought emotional moment that the box came from me. A person he's never met.

Months later when I asked Ed how his dad liked the candy, Ed told me this story and said, "Sorry, Bobby, I stole your present." 

So you should buy a box of Enstrom. It really is quality. 

Woters' go-ahead single sends Rockies to NLDS

This is trending on YouTube.

I have no idea what those words mean in the title.

It's like a foreign language, possibly from another planet. One where numbers and acronyms, nicknames and partial phrases are preferred.

And if you told me what they mean, I wouldn't understand the explanation. 

I do know the Rockies is a Denver baseball team. 

So that's something.



My younger brother was driving. He pulled up to a gas station in Englewood on Broadway but not to a pump. He parked his car parallel to the outer sidewalk then went inside. I was sitting in the passenger seat struggling to comprehend the meaning of a sign right in front of the car. I was sounding it out  in my head over and over, failing to see anything sensible, thinking it odd for a gas station to reference birds in Latin.

Ah-veys
Ah-veys
Ah-veys
Ayevs
Ayevs
Ayevs.

I couldn't make sense of it. This gas station was like the Twilight zone. A place that put up weird signs.

James returned.

"For the life of me I cannot make sense of that sign. I'm stumped. Why are they saying birds in Latin?"

My brother looked at me nonplussed, somewhat bemused, somewhat disgusted, "I can never tell when you're putting me on." 

"I honestly don't know what they mean." 

"Avalanche. It's a hockey team." 

"oooOOOOOOOOOoooh. The gas station is rooting for the team. We're supposed to know that."

"Just so you know; you are very strange." 


It happens sometimes. 

Another incident we went to Blackhawk for dinner. It's a one-time mining town. A good place for teens to go hang out. It was anyway. Until they turned it into a gambling place. Now it's flooded with out-of-state money and the casinos are a fairly good place to go for buffets and a nice mountain drive.

We went up to the salad bar and the dressings ladles were marked in handwriting with the type of dressing. All typical choices except one.

ITALIAN, FRENCH, RANCH, LOCAL

"Jimmy, this place is weird. I heard of house dressing but I never heard of local dressing. I wonder what type of dressing Blackhawk dressing would be." 

"Please stop fucking with me." 

"I'm not. I really am wondering. I almost tried it just to see. Corn for gold nuggets or what?" 

"Low Calorie." 

"oooOOOOOOOOOoooh."

"You have GOT to be kidding me."

"No. I'm not. They need a hyphen in there. Or a "W."

Thursday, October 4, 2018

I am almost there!


I am almost half way through my goal of getting 1,000 Instagram followers. Currently I am at 469 and growing. Pretty good for a couple of months work.

Mostly I post cooking, gardening and tarot card photos. Each brings its own following. In addition I follow a bunch of conservative sites and they then follow me.

Here is a video that was popular. I made my Mexican chicken which is a recreation of a dish I used to get at Mezcal's on Court Street.

I simply dice up four chicken breasts. Saute them in olive oil and garlic. Then I thinly slice and shred three or four Chorizo sausages in put them in the pan. That sheds a great deal of oil and liquid that coats the chicken. Then I add a veggie that I had previously prepared. Sometimes peas. This time Trader Joe's peppers and onions. I add a couple more onions to beef it up. Mess it all around to coat all of the stuff in Chorizo juice. Mix in some brown rice. Looks like this when it is done.



My recipes are never as precise or informative as Chip's stuff. I found that out when I had to send my granddaughter some when she went to college. I generally just throw a little of this and a little of that and make a busta chote out of it. I don't need no stinking measurements or listing of ingredients. I just know what shit to throw in it to make it taste good. Waddayagonnado?

They seem to be popular on Instagram though.

HOW THE HELL DID THIS GUY GET TO BE A JUDGE (NOT SAFE FOR WORK)



He has to change his name.

There is no way he can continue to be Judge Reinhold.

Thelma or Louise?



You make the call.

What's the point?


I have kinda given up on posting about politics these days. It is just too stupid and surreal. As Donald Trump Jr put is so succinctly.....a Republican can't have a beer and a Democrat can snort cocaine like Obama and that is just fine. These people are not worthy of response anymore. Even a dyed in the wool cuck faggot like Lady Graham is pissed off and trying to scratch their eyes out. And being called out for being a homo  by the Democrats for his trouble. I thought the ultimate sign that the Democratic clown car was doing a Thelma and Louise was when some late night asshole said that Graham didn't know what to do because his boyfriend died. Right. Thats some respect for the dead McCain right there doncha know.

The one thing this debacle proved is that it is a mugs game to be a perfect little Catholic boy who obeyed all the rules and was respectful of woman and authority. They still tried to destroy him. My advice to young guys is to do what you want and fuck up as much as you want. Just don't associate with liberal woman. Women in college. I know I never did. In college I only dated waitresses and the the bikini bartenders in the strip club down the block. Stay away from coeds boys they are poison. In fact stay away from college all together. Get your degree on line.

No matter how good you try to be they will lie and slander and try to destroy you if you stand in their way of killing babies and taking away your plastic straws and air conditioners because of the phony global warming bullshit. So don't by into it. It's a mugs game.

Party hardy and fuck em all. You have nothing to gain by following the rules.


Trump drops 138 notches on Forbes list of richest Americans

Don Surber refers to the twitter account, the Hill. His post is titled "Being president already cost President Trump $1.4 billion." Except he spells "bilion."

Then the single word paragraph, "Emoluments."

What are emoluments?

Goody gumdrops I get to make a another vocabulary card. I heard this word before and deduced it means conflict of interest between government position and private business. That's my guess.

I'm wrong.

emoluments: profit, salary, or fees from office or employment; compensation for services.

Here's another word that will not do for everyday conversation. It will be mentally filed under "P" for pissy words that piss people off when you use them for sounding purposefully hoity-toity-pants where profit, salary or fees will work just fine.

So why do they keep writing it?

Because of the emoluments clause in our Constitution, I bet.

This site says the clause is also called "the foreign emoluments clause" prohibiting office holders from accepting any gift, payment, or anything like titles from foreign governments.

Britain gave Reagan the title of Sir whatever that means. It sounds like a title to me. *taunts* U-m-m-m-m, Reagan broke the foreign entitlements clause. Right there's a crime. He should go to dead presidents prison.

There's also a domestic emoluments clause.

A lot more information at the link.

Hillary Clinton violated the hell out of this foreign emoluments clause and she was utterly brazen about it. She's a living/breathing example of why it was put there in the first place, and the second place. (The clause was dropped then later restored)

Surber is not implying payment for government office, rather he's talking about Trump putting aside his business activities while president, and donating his salary as president, minor compared with shunting control of his businesses.

Here's the meat of it:
The past two Democratic presidents made out like bandits accumulating post-presidential net worths of $40 million or more, which was about $40 million more than they were worth when they entered the White House. 
Running for president not only cost President Trump $66 million in donations to his own campaign but the value of his companies shrank. 
"Trump’s net worth has dropped from $4.5 billion in 2015 to hold steady at $3.1 billion for the past two years. As a result, the president has fallen 138 spots on the latest The Forbes 400 list, which will be released Wednesday,"
More at the link about what Trump gave up and why, more about what Eric Trump says. Surber brings historic presidents good and bad into his discussion. Comments over there are quite good.

That's a lot of money.

I used to read Donald Duck comics where Uncle Scrooge jumped into a room filled with gold coins and I'd think, man, that would be really cool.

But honestly, what can be done with all those gold coins when you've already bought everything you could want? Diving into gold coins would actually hurt.


As a boy, I concluded I didn't want to live in a mansion.

Why?

Laziness.

I visualized needing to write a note and needing a pencil. 

Then walking two acres up and down steps to get the pencil.

Then being unsure the note would even be read for lack of obvious place for the note to be seen. The person I intend to read the note walks right past it because it taped to a door in mansion. 

A pencil put me off the idea of living in a large house. 

A butler could get me the pencil. 

Then I'd have that butler all up in my biz-wax all day, following me around, picking out my underwear to put on that day, trimming my nose hairs, flicking flecks off my jacket, doing that spit on a handkerchief thing to get smudges off my face, fixing my hair when it sticks up, shining my shoes. All that for a pencil. 


Anyone see a pencil around here? Come on, someone get me a pencil.

Apples

Peach season is finished and I can't even say what a bummer that is. Nectarines picked up where peaches left off but their season was even shorter. So now it's apples all over the place.

This is a Whole Foods advertisement. They're offering 25% off all organic apples. I copied and pasted their advertisement. With adjustments best as I could. Their HTML is screwy and some places the spacing cannot be corrected. 

 See, they're always on top of what's happening right now. Although an advertisement, and although intended to entice me into buying their apples. I still found this information useful. 

Who knows, maybe I'll want to make a pie. 

The other day I made a small blueberry pie and fashioned a pie crust by just winging it. I didn't measure anything, just put in the things that I like, and rubbed in enough butter to fatten the flour to the extent that I wanted, then used vodka instead of water, so that it evaporates completely and burns off. 

Why didn't my predecessors teach me this trick? 

Huh? 

Why did I have to discover it myself? 

To correct this generational information transmission oversight I'll tell all who follow me, use vodka in your pie crusts for improved effect. Maybe gin. Maybe rum. Maybe whatever you like. 

Here is Whole Foods explaining apples.

What’s the Difference Between a Jonagold and a Fuji?: Your Guide to Apples

There are so many different varieties of apples all across the sweet-tart-crisp-crunchy spectrum. (And at Whole Foods Market, there’s a really wide variety of apples – including plenty of organic options.) But what’s the difference between, say, a Jonagold and a Fuji? Can you really taste the difference? And what apples are best for apple pies? And chips? And other perfect-for-fall recipes? Here are some favorite varieties and what to do with them, based on their textures, flavors and sizes. Because it definitely matters.

And now is the perfect time to try all the varieties: All organic apples are 25% off for Prime Members from 10/3 to 10/9/18. Hear that? Pie is calling. (And so are applesauce and galettes … and …)

Lady Alice Slow Cooker French Toast
Lady Alice

This highly seasonal apple from Rainier Fruit Company is distinctly sweet with a crisp, juicy crunch. It has floral accents but with hints of tartness. It’s an all-purpose apple that doesn’t brown as quickly as other apples do when it’s cut up, and it also holds its shape when baked or cooked. 

Try them in: 
Gala Apple Pie
Gala

Mildly sweet with a vanilla-like fragrance, this apple is a natural for making unsweetened applesauce. Its thin skin makes it kid-friendly, and it’s also perfect for slicing and serving raw. 

Try them in: 

FUJI Spiced Apple Pear Butter
Fuji
Perfect for those with a sweet tooth, these ultra-sweet, crispy and juicy apples make them a go-to for snacking and baking, as well as homemade baby food because of their low acidity. 
Try them in: 
Spiced Apple-Pear Butter 
Apple-Berry Baked Oatmeal
Granny Smith Classic LeGruyere Fondue
Granny Smith

Crunchy, tart and juicy, this is the ultimate apple to pair with a classic cheese fondue. To prevent browning, toss apple slices with lemon juice before serving.

Try them in: 

SweeTango

Available only in the early fall, their crispness and sweet-tart flavor are hard to resist on their own. These apples also shine with a caramel or chocolate fondue. 
Try them in: 


Braeburn Brussels Sprouts With Apples And Shallots
Braeburn
This variety is crisp, firm, sweet, tangy and juicy. Leave the skins on to make a rosy-hued applesauce. 
Try them in: 
Brussels Sprouts with Apples and Shallots 
Applesauce

Cameo Apple Sandwiches With Granola And Peanut Butter

Cameo

Sweet hints of citrus and slightly tangy finish. Extra crispy and crunchy, they’re almost made to be sliced and smothered with almond butter.

Try them in:
Open-Face Apple Tahini Sandwich
Apple Sandwiches with Granola and Peanut Butter

Red Delicious Kale Waldorf Salad

Red Delicious

These apples have a crunchy skin with a floral aroma. Best when uncooked and used in fresh preparations, like a smoothie or classic caramel-dipped apple.

Try them in:
Apple Pie Smoothie
Kale Waldorf Salad

Golden Delicious
Firm, very sweet and juicy, these all-purpose apples don’t brown as quickly as other apples. They’re perfect for a cheese board.

Try them in:
Hard Cider-Poached Apples with Peppery Crème Fraîche

Pink Lady Apple Chips

Pink Lady

These pink-red apples are crisp with a juicy flesh and a complex sweet-tart flavor. Well suited for making apple chips either in a dehydrator or the oven.

Try them in:
Carrot and Apple Bistro Salad
Baked Apple Chips

Honeycrisp

If there was ever a perfect apple for snacking, this arguably might be it. Its shatteringly crisp texture is guaranteed to hold firm when baked or caramelized. It’s perfect for a tarte Tatin or an upside-down cake.

Try them in:
Apple and Kale Sauté
Raw Apple Crisp

Selections, Storage and Prep

Look for apples that feel firm, smooth and heavy for their size, with no bruises or wrinkling on the skin. As apples ripen, they give off ethylene gas, which shortens the storage life of some other vegetables, so keep them in a bag in your refrigerator’s crisper. And remember to wash apples before eating them, but avoid removing the skin if you can — that’s where the bulk of the fiber is.

Cheese by mail

Care to hear something a little bit funny?

Just a little bit.

So far I cannot find my favorite cheddar in any of the best fromagerie around town. Maybe I will, but so far I haven't. I still have more places to check.

So I ordered it online and it's frightfully expensive with shipping. I do not recommend this. They notified me when it was shipped but I didn't realize it would get here the next day. I was patiently waiting for it to be delivered.

Today I heard a tiny knock on the door so faint I wasn't sure it was my door, knock-knock knocky-knock, tentative, unobtrusive, shallow but persistent. "Coming!" I stood up to put on my pants. Lost balance and fell back on the sofa. Stood up again. Lost balance again. Fell back on the sofa again. Stood up again and struggled with balance and put on my pants.

I wobbled on my legs like a newborn animal.

This took a long time.

The same knock-knock knocky-knock, just as light, the exact same pattern. "Coming!" Again, just as loud as before. Pants on now, even zipped up. I walk to the door, my legs surprisingly cooperative after such a poor start. Answered the door, nobody there. Large box on the floor. "Thank you!" (Whoever you are.)

We were all trained as kids to never yell in public, far less inside a building. Never do that. It's too rude. But now I do all the time because it's best for distance communication where the person is not seen. If they're around the corner I want them to know I appreciate the delivery. Sometimes early social training simply doesn't apply anymore.

As I struggled to pick up the box, a bit like doing toe-touches, without the door slamming shut, an electric wheelchair rolled backward into view. A big fat man sat in the chair. An American flag taped to the back of the seat.

And I mean fat.

Not just regular fat. Super inordinate impossibly fat. Here, let me draw you a picture.



He saw me having difficulty grabbing the box so he actually bent over forward himself risking pouring out of his chair and picked it up for me.

"I saw this downstairs. It's been sitting there for two day. So I thought I'd bring it up to you." 

Strange. I was just down there and I didn't see anything. But I wasn't looking for anything either. I wasn't expecting anything so soon. 

"Is it heavy?"

"No. It's light." 

"I wonder what it is. Where is it from?" 

The return label is printed in useless lettering so tiny it can hardly be found.


It cannot be read. And my seeing-hawk died so he can't tell me what it says. 

"I hate getting old." 

Ha ha ha ha ha

"But then the alternative isn't great either." 

What's so funny about not being able to answer the door in reasonable time, and not being able to read minuscule print? 

The man told me the story about noticing the box again. 

I thanked him again.

He elaborated on the box story.

I thanked him again. Then it occurred to me he would like to keep talking. So I did. Went like this:

"Yakkity-yak yak. Yip yip yap. Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb yakity yak gab idle prat, yippity yak, so how 'bout them Broncos, eh, yak yak yak, weather, you live here or what? yakity, prattle. Goodbye. Thanks again. Very thoughtful. I appreciate this."

I opened the box.

Inside is a styrofoam box the same size. Tight fit. 

Turned it upside down to jiggle it out of the cardboard.

This would make a fine cooler for a six-pack and it would work very well for clear ice experiments in the freezer. It's the perfect size for small things. This styrofoam box has its uses. It needn't be tossed. 

Crumpled cardboard for stuffing.

Two Seal-a-Meal packages of cheese.  That are cold.

A block of chemical ice in a package still frozen solid. 

Although sitting there for two days, the cheese was still refrigerated. 

I tore open a package of cheese, cut off a few slices, and OMG is it ever good. 

I could eat both packages in one day.

No I couldn't. 

But this cheese is not going to last very long. I knew I should have bought four packages. 

And next time I will.


My favorite cheddar is made in Iowa. By Amish.

So you know that it's righteous.