The Case of the Well Oiled Politician

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have stopped requesting assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. We can close the books on that unfortunate subject. So it falls to me to solicit your assistance in an entirely different matter.

As you know new elections have been called in Parliament for the spring. It seems that the Earl of Roseberry means to be a candidate once more. He is favored by the Queen for reasons we need not elaborate other than they are both described with the same honorific. Her Majesty because of her title and the Earl because of his inclination. In fact he is the favorite of much of the establishment because he is malleable and corrupt which is what they seek in leadership. The Yard has determined that he has used government accounts to enrich himself while selling his country seat to a military supplier for a suspiciously high profit. In addition he has obtained a naval frigate at a nominal price which had been declared salvage by an Admiralty clerk who obtained his position by the Earl’s good offices. Yet this is not the problem.

It seems that the Earl has certain proclivities that would bring scandal to Her Majesty’s government and have come to the attention of the political branch of Scotland Yard. As you know the Earl is a noted horseman who has bred several Derby winners. Unfortunately he has acquired a reputation as not only a rider but as an individual who likes to be ridden and whipped to the finish line. It is his unfortunate relationship with the Marquis of Queensbury’s son that has caused the scandal that is threatening to bring down the government. As you know the Marquis is a very wealthy man of business with an unfortunate toupee and sons that will never give him an heir. He has threatened to challenge the Earl to a duel and we must find a way to stop him. Perhaps you might investigate and develop enough information that could be used to deter the Marquis. His business dealings would be a prime area of inquiry as well as his penchant for interchangeable Slavic mistresses. In any event we must find a way to deter the Marquis or the Earl will not be able to remain at his post and will be forced to emigrate to Miami where many of his persuasion find repose.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I can not help but wonder that his experience with various street urchins and unemployed lascars might not offer some insight into dealing with these somewhat delicate situation.

In any event give him my regards.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
December 15, 1891