Thursday, July 16, 2020

Rare Jokes 2: If You Want to Know What It's Like

Again, I've only ever heard two jokes of this type:

          If you want to know what it's like to be married, find a woman you
          don't like and buy her a house.
          (variant: "find a woman who doesn't like you.")
If you want to know what it's like to own a sailboat, stand in a cold
          shower with your clothes on, ripping up hundred-dollar bills.

There must be more of these -- the premise is so open-ended. But I haven't seen any.


11 comments:

Trooper York said...

If you want to know what it is like to be Hillary Clinton strap two hams to your feet and lick a Muslim.

Trooper York said...

If you want to know what it is like to be Nick Cannon lose your job and go smack a Jew.

Trooper York said...

If you want to know what it is like to be Chris Cuomo get on a rowboat with Al Neri and see what happens.

The Dude said...

As with the previous jokes the problem is once I read what you post, Mumpsimus, I can't think of anything else - Rossini, Pink Panther - ear worms.

These jokes - you win. I got nothing. Hole in the water you fill with money. Nothing.

This is my all-time favorite knock knock joke.

edutcher said...

You want to face death in the eye, get married.

MamaM said...

face death in the eye

More true than funny, edutcher, if one is able to follow the "til death do us part" of the commitment, and if not, there's the other form it takes when mutuality dies or being together is no longer bearable.

The knock-knock jokes aren't bringing back anything either. We did, however experience our own version of one of those jokes this week, with nothing but silence as the first response and then something wonderful showing up on the doorstep as the punchline.

We lost our old cat last week Wed night And by lost, I mean lost, as in walked off into the dark woods through a supposed hole in the fence and disappeared. He was chipped, collared, and called/searched for numerous times; and we'd given him up for dead when he turned up at the porch slider door yesterday afternoon, thin, hungry and tired with no collar and no outer signs of harm or wear. No dirt, burrs, cuts, gouges, or lost chunks of fur. Seeing him standing there with his sweet face looking anxiously in for some sign of life, was an experience of disbelief, surprise and overwhelming joy! After a week of lost hope and side-long glances at death, we now have the joy of his presence once again and the sorrow that comes with facing his death in the eye one more time.

He was a found cat when he first showed up at as a lost adult cat around 15 years ago (which means he may be pushing 17), and has been on 2x a day meds for hyperthyroidism for the last year and a half. How he survived the fox and the hootie owl, and seven days of intense summer heat and thunderstorms without meds on a ramped-up metabolism is beyond me. Maybe he got locked in someone's garage? Even that seems unlikely, as the neighbors aren't close by and he starts to caterwaul when the meds wear off. Where was he? What was he doing all week? How did he manage to survive? His unexpected return has left us with as many if not more questions than we had when he got up from where we were sitting together and walked off, gone only a short time before we noticed and started calling and searching for him. Although previously almost dog-like in his willingness to respond to a call, this time there was none of that--only the heavy silence of a dark night and the growing fear that he'd been swooped by a predator. We were starting to make peace with that, thinking the chipmunks had finally put a hit out on him, and here he is, sleeping next to me as I type as if nothing happened. Wonder-full indeed! Or as one of the SonsM puts it "Cat Magic!"

The Dude said...

Glad your cat came back - those are the best days ever. My 20 year old cat got out on Christmas eve in 2000, and what can I say, that was a terrible Christmas for me, but then, on the 26th, he came home. He too, survived, somehow, and ever since then he has never been outside again. Now, nearly 20 years later, all I have to do is reach over to my recliner and there he is, purring, ready and waiting for his next meal.

Another cat of mine escaped and was gone for 3 days. He too, showed up, standing on the wood pile, saying "Let me in, I miss the food!".

Rejoice in the return of the prodigal cat, kill the fatted rat, party like mofos and keep your friends close and your kittehs closer.

Mumpsimus said...

Once when I was away for the holidays, my cat escaped from the catsitter, traveled a mile and a half home, and was waiting for me when I got back.

That's a good story, Ms Palindrome. It needs a standalone post, and pictures.

edutcher said...

Mama, you are filled with the Joy of Life, I swear, even though you deeply feel its sorrows ("when mutuality dies or being together is no longer bearable").

Trooper York said...

Do you live near a pet cemetery Mama M?

deborah said...

Well, I only have: Two of the best days in a man's life are when he buys a boat and when he sells the boat.