Phase Four my balls

I was really looking forward to a professional haircut. The wife did a pretty good job with the clippers but she constantly complained that my beard is scraggly. I started growing it during this bullshit quarantine and it goes all over the place. She likes the way the barber would trim my goatee so I was looking forward to him grooming my beard in the same way.

I get to the barbershop and he is sitting outside smoking a cigarette with no mask on. Now this asshole is a Russian and you think he would not kowtow to authority being a Russian Jew who fled oppression. Instead he puts on a mask and tells me that he can't trim my beard because it is against regulations.  I mean what the fuck. Who is going to see that inside his joint when there are no passerby's or anyone in the store. It was completely empty the whole time I was there. He had no business. The whole reason I went to him was to get my beard trimmed. Plus he raised his prices because he was sucking wind for money. Fuck you dude. I can get the same haircut at home for free.

The wife keeps complaining because she says I should be in the Civil War or something because of how my beard is growing out. That kind of scares me.

I figure if I stand around at Trader Joe's some moolie will try and tip me over.