pie crust war

Mum, bless her, made the worst pie crusts but none of us knew that for we lived in ignorant pie crust bliss.

Toni set me straight years after I left home. She came over to my house to make pies. I poured vegetable oil into a bowl of flour as I knew how. Toni stopped dead, shocked, and asked me what I was doing.

I'm making a pie crust. Duh.

How do they come out?

Like cardboard. Of course.

It's no wonder. You're doing it wrong.

How do I fix it?

First, throw that away. 

She has a very cogent direct way about her. She told me the fat must be kept cold. Best to start with everything chilled. Cold bowl, ice cold water, cold flour, cold hands. Some farmer's wives run cold water over their fingers before starting. The old fashioned pie crusts are butter cut into cubes and smashed with cold fingertips into the flour until the flour is loaded with butter. The bowl will be filled with flattened butter chunks coated with flour. Chilled again. Ice cold water sprinkled over the mass of floured flakes until it barely pulls together. Chilled again.

I wish I had known about gluten molecules relaxing when I was seven years old and pressing out Chef Boyardee pizza. It kept shrinking back on an oiled baking sheet. Had I just let it sit there for ten minutes then it would stretch out cooperatively.

Those pizzas were stupid. But we didn't know that either.

So the farmhouse pie crusts are made without processors. The butter is smashed and pushed off the fingertips before heat from your hands can melt the flakes. The fingertips run rapidly through the flour and smash every lump they encounter down there. It's very deft and movement-economical. There is no processor to clean.

The processor type crusts turn the butter/flour to powder. They all aim for pea-size particles, then add water and process further in pulses until it pulls together. Now those pea-size butter particles are even smaller.

The farmhouse technique creates individual large flakes layered throughout the crust when it's rolled.

The processed technique creates itty-bitty dust-flake crusts.

They're both flakey because the ingredients were kept cold so the fat didn't melt to absorb flour. The farmhouse style has big flakes, the processed style has powder flakes.

Vodka replacing part of the water has the advantage of evaporation for a dryer flakier crust.

Beaten egg yolk fortifies the crust. It gives the crust more body. It makes the crust more like a cookie.

Dessert crusts have sugar, savory crusts do not.

None suggest adding anything like ginger powder and I wonder why not.

Nana's a loser. Don't listen to her. She talks too much and she makes pie crust from loser oil. She thinks her pie crust are flakey and I know that Nana doesn't know what she doesn't know. Because I used to not know that same thing too.  She's living in blissfully ignorant pie-world. Her secrets are worthless. Plus her video is too long. Her pie crust may be flakey, but so is cardboard. She makes the kind that Toni broke me from and it's been improved pie crusts ever since. Thank you, Toni.

This Food Network guy uses vodka for part of the liquid.

Nice trick. He countered the taste with sugar.

This effervescent young bird has her pie-crust act together seriously. She manually builds her flakes and then layers the oversized flakes still rather dry. She doesn't create a coherent dough then roll it out. Her dough becomes partially coherent by her repeated rolling and slow absorption of meager water.  Her very large flakes are folded like puff pastry. This is Bon Appétit Test Kitchen and this is how they roll.

Food Wishes, because I like John and he's good at everything so he's invited to our contest.

One last contestant. This woman talks funny. Step 1: Paint your fingernails red.

Finally! Someone does it the way of the authentic farmhouse wife. Gemma for the win.

No messing around. No processor. No stupid pastry cutter. No tricks. Gemma, I would eat your pie any day.

John with Food Wishes turned in a standard effort. Very unusually, we didn't learn anything from John today.

Carla with Bon Appétit ran a very close second. Her technique is confident and bold and knowledgeable.

Vodka crust guy has a splendid trick.

Nana, such a loser, we don't even watch her. We expect better from our elders than oil pie crust. Something like lard. Wax paper? Gimme a break.

Toni told me I really should buy pie rolling cloth and cloth sock for the wooden roller. Those two things are a whole 'nuther ballgame. So I did. And they are.