My niece is a bit slow on the uptake. No matter how carefully, explicitly, simply I explain things, I'm doomed to be misunderstood.
So that I'm stuck on square one throughout.
I told her, Amazon says they delivered a photo album to you. That is intended to hold photos of your wedding that are scheduled to arrive on Monday.
She answered. Oh. Well, thank you. Amazon didn't say who sent it. It will be good to hold photos of my baby due to arrive in November.
She's telling me that she's pregnant.
I'm thinking, great, the album can hold both. Wedding and baby.
I congratulate her on her pregnancy and mark my calendar.
But that's where her mind now resides. The wedding was then, that's done and gone, this is now. She has something new on her mind.
I told her. Some of the photos taken with the Galaxy phone had unsightly orange bands going across them. I spent a good deal of time in Photoshop fixing them but to limited success. One of your wedding dress and another of you on the raised platform.
She answered. I'm glad to hear you're enjoying the photos.
And I'm all, Bitch, I'm NOT enjoying them, they're a pain in the ass. I did this FOR YOU!
Calm yourself. Calm yourself. Repeat they were printed for her. Repeat, to expect them on Monday. Repeat, to put in the album that already arrived. Repeat, those two things go together.
Do not mention it has nothing to do with her expected baby. But it could if she wants it to. She can change the purpose if not the intention of her wedding album. But saying that will confuse and dismay her because in her mind it diminishes her baby, and right now that's the only thing that counts. My part is about her wedding a year and a half ago while all her thoughts are on her new baby. It is not possible to shake her off her upcoming baby and talk about her wedding now so far in the past.
While I talk to her brother all the time. And we talk about extremely involved complex things. Such as concepts. And there is never any miscomprehension. Our communication is lengthy. And clear. Much more so than average emails that simply communicate simple singular things. Yet his sister inhabits another world altogether. Where simple straightforward and extremely limited communication all fails. The simplest thing, and we talk right past each other.
Most frustrating. To keep getting the wrong responses no matter what, no matter the subject.
Come to think of it, the same frustration discussing anything with a partisan Democrat. You're forever stuck on step one: kill the chicken.
10 comments:
"She answered. I'm glad to hear you're enjoying the photos.
And I'm all, BITCH, I'm not enjoying them, they're a pain in the ass, I did this FOR YOU!"
This is so important, because it happens to all of us. We're in a conversation and we get a response that is on a different track than the track we thought we were going down with the other person. Maddening? Yes. But the IMPORTANT thing to keep in mind at such a moment is that the other person MEANT WELL.
To understand that the miscommunication is not intentional, that the other person meant well....It's the only way we ever acquire mercy.
I had one brother who had four wives and four daughters. What can I say, I am glad I had sons. Sure, they are nice enough, heck, some of them are even smart enough, but I am thankful that our interactions are minimal.
Oh yeah, I just remembered, I have another brother who has a daughter. I wonder how she is doing - she seemed somewhat level-headed.
She answered. I'm glad to hear you're enjoying the photos.
And I'm all, Bitch, I'm NOT enjoying them, they're a pain in the ass. I did this FOR YOU!
It's not as though you weren't encouraged and invited to consider your motives and find your part in the photo project when it was described in an earlier post.
Her response sounds fitting and appropriate to me, not slow on the uptake at all. What made you think she'd want to spend her time putting your photos into an album she didn't request or know was coming, or know who it was from or what it was for when it arrived empty at her home? This project is yours to own along with your interest in it and your motive in taking it on and presenting it to her as you did. Where did she enter into it other than to serve as the subject of your photos and thoughts, and the focus of your desire for someone to appreciate what you've done for them?
I know I would not enjoy reading a post like this about me from my uncle and encourage you to consider taking it down while you process through the emotions and attitude that was part of your internal response (publicly presented here) along with the need explain her to others as if she is deficient and unable to understand complex things and concepts the way the men in your family do.
Consider this as well: As a bride, she already has a host of internal memories of her wedding that are personal and real to her. That alone may be enough for her Since it's rare these days for a bride to not have planned for photos to be taken, professionally or by a family member/friend who took on the task at her request, she may already have as many photos of it as she wants or needs. Does she want another album, or would a few photos portraying something unique or special that a loved one or relative experienced and wanted to share with the bride be enjoyed more, along with a note saying why this mattered or what it meant to the sender?
Human relationship at it's finest is mutual--not one-sided with one adult parentally or unilaterally deciding what another adult wants, needs or should appreciate.
Jordan Peterson, a psychologist whose thoughts and experiences I appreciate hearing and reading about has a chapter in his book, The 12 Rules for Life, on listening that alone is worth the price of the book in my opinion.
It falls under Rule 9: Assume That The Person You Are Listening To Might Know Something You Don’t
When someone is truly listening to you, it is a beautiful thing. True listening and true thinking are interconnected. As Peterson says:
"True thinking is complex and demanding. It requires you to be articulate speaker and careful, judicious listener, at the same time. It involves conflict. So you have to tolerate conflict. Conflict involves negotiation and compromise. So you have to learn to give and take and to modify your premises and adjust your thoughts – even your perceptions of the world."
You're forever stuck on step one: kill the chicken.
Just don't choke it.
It's about communication. She didn't digest a single word that I said.
This is all text. It's the best we can do.
I'm not discouraged, though. I just accept that this is the person with whom I am speaking. Non compose mentis except for her current things.
And you'll never have to worry about your uncle describing you this way. You're actually quite good with concepts beyond your immediate present focus.
You are not on the same wave length so you hear each other but you don’t take the same meaning from the sound. Or she’s just not listening for your meaning.
A niece or nephew should be more attentive to an uncle or an aunt.
You gave her a present and she carried on like she was giving you a present. Kids today.
Someone's not digesting something. And it doesn't sound to me like it's the niece who is limited in her thinking, non compose mentis (except for her current things), or carrying on about herself and her interests when she should be more attentive.
Since our brains strive to make meaning out of mystery, it's highly likely she'd already concluded the album she'd received from an anonymous sender was for baby memories when her uncle notified her(by text??) that it had been sent by him for her to fill with the photos he'd inexplicably decided to print and send as well.
Of course wedding pics would not be foremost on her mind. Babies trump everything, and it is highly appropriate for her to be focused on the one thing forming inside, with her body producing the hormones needed to do just that, in practice for being a mom. Those hormones will eventually prompt her to create a nest, not sigh or moon over the glory of a past event or marvel at her uncle's skill and seemingly random interest in getting his doctored wedding photos to her now, a year and a half after that event (and not even on her anniversary!).
Why rely on text? Is the phone finger broke? The number not available? No one willing to answer on the other end? A handwritten note not an option? A computer printed gift card in the box from Amazon (offered free with several lines for text with every order) not a possibility?
Someone, more specifically, the older more mature adult in the interaction that took place, missed a chance to more specifically and meaningfully connect and then pushed his disappointment regarding the response he'd received into a public declaration of disrespect that centered around her limitations and short comings.
She didn't ask for the gift, receive the info needed to understand the motive/intent of the sender (which still hasn't been revealed) and she doesn't deserve to be publicly minimized for her response.
Following up by sending a paper letter to your niece in hand-printed or computer font (not cursive), explaining how or why her wedding and the photos you took there matter to you, and why you'd like her to have some of them as a gift from you, has the best chance of capturing her attention and perhaps getting through, as personal letters that are mailed are something the younger generation is not accustomed to receiving and they are not as inclined to blow off as text. Conveying what motivated you and touched your heart, prompting you to take the action you did would constitute doing your part. And if she doesn't respond to that, well then, that's on her.
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