I'm being officially retired and at the Federal Reserve Bank that amounts to a process that spans months. Today was a crucial point.
I was sent large envelopes of information about retirement benefit packages and another two large envelopes about working out the best medical insurance package.
It is all basically simple. The packages are gigantic because all of it must apply to everyone and to every possibility. There is one page listing available languages that goes on single space line after line after line full pages front and back. And of course information for deaf.
And blind.
And deaf and blind and Hindu. And pregnant. With quadruplets.
So the packages are for everyone for every possibility, while the portions that apply to me are quite slim.
There is one set of choices to make that stick out.
You basically have to gamble how long you expect to live.
One choice will give you a flat sum.
Another choice will give you a flat sum plus a thousand for after death benefit for someone. Perhaps to help with funeral expenses. Hardly enough to cover a full funeral.
Another choice takes care of a beneficiary for five years. Another for ten years.
Another choice will make a fixed monthly payment for the rest of your life.
Another choice will make a lower monthly payment the rest of your life but with cost of living adjustments.
The last choice is the one that I took because I expect to live a long time and I expect great things to happen in this country. I expect economic growth. Within my remaining lifetime. That is my gamble.
That is, I don't expect another administration like Obama's in which these numbers did not move. Not once. Eight years, no movement. While all years previous to Obama they did move. Considerably. 2% here, 3% there, 5% during a year of inflation, it adds up over time. If you expect to live at least twenty years then you can expect cost of living adjustments to make up for and overtake the difference between the stated starting amounts.
And the buyout amount was so low, for God's sake, are you kidding me? Who would even choose an amount so low knowing that's all that they'll get. Very short sighted to see it paying off a house. That doesn't even make sense.
I'm sorry, Ma'am I don't gamble.
PICK ONE!
Look at me, now I'm a gambling man. First time in my life that I gamble with actual money and it's based on the span of my life.
I bet'cya $10.00 that I picked the wrong one.
I always pick the wrong line at the grocery store checkout. And that's exactly the same thing except different.
That happened a few weeks ago. The three lines were packed. The guy behind me decided to move to the next line. I go, "I'm staying in this one and I bet you I win."
He goes, "It's on."
His line goes "zip."
And my line goes *Teddy Bear Picnic*
The losing grocery store line is the winning retirement payout.
9 comments:
I'm not sure if this bears a congratulatory statement on my part.
I can't quite tell if you are "happy" about it. Or if the choice to retire was thrust upon you, like Menudo's age limit.
Nonetheless. I feel congratulations are in order.
I might tweet it even.
Condolencelations?
Whatever your choice, good for you.
So you have been blogging on gubmit time all along? Good on ya, lad!
Is that Pogo I see right there? It's been a while but Pogo themed characters used to abound in the before time.
Inflation protection is the way to go. That's the big benefit of social security too.
The idea isn't to get the most dollars out of the government but to insure against outliving your income.
The ever-brilliant Henny Youngman said, among other things:
"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."
As I say, smart man. He also said:
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
What is a home without children? Quiet.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport"'
Also, when he told his dentist that his teeth were turning yellow his dentist told him to wear a brown tie.
There you have it.
Amazing, to me, that you could do all that blogging while holding down a job.
The only way I can come out ahead - or at least not lose - in the grocery store line lottery is to not care how fast my line moves.
I haven't worked in a million years.
Maybe it's been twenty years.
About twenty.
They put me on disability. I was all, no wait, no wait, I got this, I got this and they were all, oh no you don't boom I'm out. Just like that.
Then I got a lot better and I went back with my parents and said I'd like to work something out I'd like to at least try to come back and they said, dude, you look like a holocaust victim, and I said, but I put on a lot of weight, and they said, but you've still very wobbly and I said but I was in a wheelchair before this and then they said, wake up, wake up, no sleeping allowed in a job interview, and I go, sorry I just dozed off that usually doesn't happen and they go, It already happened twice, and I go but I'm very competent and they go you scratched your car in the parking lot and I go, I'll take a bus, and they go, the bus stop is too far away and I go it's right there on the corner and they go, you had to sit down crossing the room, and I go, come on, be a sport, let me try and they go, I SAID, FUCK NO!
And I go sheepishly, fine then. I can take a hint.
So my parents took me across to the cafeteria which is like an upscale downtown restaurant except subsidized and we sat down for cinnamon roll and cup of coffee and my friends saw us there and came over to meet my parents and to say goodbye. Then other people saw my friends do that and they came over to meet my parents and to say goodbye to me, and I noticed people hanging back, waiting their turn, one after another and sometimes two or three at time people came to our table to meet my parents and to say goodbye and an hour elapsed and it was quite touching actually, a lot of people came over to meet my parents and have a few words with me, and word spread and people broke away from work to come down and see me and I didn't realize at the time that amounted to my retirement party. Except one at a time and a lot more quiet and intimate. It was all spontaneous and it lacked the usual things like a cake and a parting gift such as a watch, but nonetheless my parents were deeply moved and mightily impressed with the total class shown by my coworkers who treated us so gracefully.
And I thought, wow, this is the end.
Fuck me.
I guess there is no coming back.
So I haven't worked these last twenty years. In fact, I'd be a perfectly shit worker. I'd fire myself. I'm just terrible at getting things done. I'm late for everything and I cannot be relied upon. And I don't like to travel. I'm not exactly lazy, but my body just cannot do things. Like walk. And stay awake.
They were probably right in their judgement.
Bastards.
Able-bodies bastards.
I must say they took care of me very well.
And they still do.
The young woman on the phone is pure class. I told her, you know what, you've been very helpful to me. I appreciate your patience and your professionalism. You've made this whole transition a pleasure.
And she said, but of course. As they do. All young people say that exact same thing. "But of course."
She said, "I am assigned to your retirement. If you have any more questions as this goes, then call us and you will get me. I am with you through this whole thing."
And I'm over here thinking, bless your heart. You guys really do have this whole thing down.
I never care how fast the checkout line goes. It gives me a chance to talk to a captive audience. I play with people. Like the man mentioned. Our race made both our waits more interesting. He enjoyed winning.
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