The Case of the Holiday Horror

 My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you well know it has been many years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and also quite some time since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance with respect to these horrible people.

As you know we often review old case files in an attempt to discern if circumstances have changed or new information has come to light. It seems that things have changed in the loathsome prescient of that disreputable slattern Lady Chatterley and her brutish consort. 

 

As you must be aware they had ceased holding the salon for which they had so unjustly been renowned. They seem to have thrown out the obsequious lickspittles and unctuous toadies that made up their circle. It seems once they were left to their own devices they have turned the violence they once did to civilized discourse upon each other. All of which seems to have come to a head when the last cask of fetid wine had been broken and there was nothing for the swinish lady of the house to consume. In fact if you can credit it the wine was purveyed in a box in stead of good English Oak!  She thus turned her wrath upon her unfortunate consort who left to find solace in any way he could. As you know this scene is often reenacted on Holidays when they are left to their own putrid company. This is not the first time this unfortunate occurrence has become part of the police blotter.

It seems that the unfortunate knave who serves as body servant, gardener and barber to the surly harridan decided to flee and eventually wandered into a tavern along the way and fell into conflict with the happy patrons who were well unaware of his existence. He began a contrempt's with a jolly fat man who was regaling the tap room with witticisms and a stoic carpenter who was instructing the room about various insect infestations when the beaten down body servant came in to cause a most unnecessary conflict. Luckily he was tossed outside by the tavern occupants and conspired to wander aimlessly about looking for solace in his life of abject misery.

There is naught for either of us to do but I thought you might like to be informed of the status of these  nefarious people as you wished to hear about the flea infestation of the Hound of the Baskervilles and the cheese addiction of the Giant Rat of Sumatra. In any event I thought it best to keep you apprised of the latest doings in good time.

Please give my best to your brother Mycroft who I hope is enjoying his retirement from the Foreign Office. I know he misses both the Foreign Office and the Foreign Orifices he came in contact with during his time in government. I trust he knows that a quiet life in retirement is the best outcome considering his last exploits when last in London. None the less please give him my regards. 

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898