Strange character

Last night I invented a character out of nothing.

Here, let me describe it to you.

The voice is an octave up with a strained speech impediment nearly British but not exactly and somewhat Hollywood circa 1930's, and somewhat midAtlantic which isn't even a real thing.

The imaginary person describes making brownies.  Which is a very dumb subject.

Begin.

"I was thinking of making brownies and doubling down on the chocolate.

And then I thought, 'why hold back?'

Go ahead a double the doubling down.

At least. Maybe even double that.

You know brownies are simply a failed chocolate cake.

In which the baker forgets to add baking powder.

And realizes his mistake but goes, pfft, so what. Go with it.

And it turns out everyone likes it.

So the mixture doesn't rise properly.

But it has an egg.

And eggs are leaven too.

One egg will raise the mixture a little bit *show with 2 hands a batch raising a little bit*

And two eggs will raise it a little bit more. *keeping the hand configuration, show the batch rising incrementally, but not much.*

The mixture is still very dense.

And bakes into a dense moist mass.

The mixture is too stiff to pour.

It's more like thick sludge.

Mud, actually.

You must dampen your fingers and press it into the pan.

We're going for killer chocolate brownies.

So double whatever recipe that you have.

If it says one cup of flour then use two.

And put in the same pan, then the brownies will not be these pathetic thin squares, *indicate thinness with hands.*

No, they'll be double that. They'll fill the whole pan. *indicate doubly thick brownies*

The thick sludge is made with couverture chocolate buttons.

And use chocolate Easter eggs instead of real eggs that come out of a chicken's butt.

That will assure the chocolate sludge is extremely thick and won't rise at all and it will bake into a solid brick.

And add abundant chocolate chips. So they melt and hold the whole thing together.

To loosen the mixture a bit, add chocolate milk.

So when it's baked then the whole thing is covered with chocolate icing.

And on top of the icing sprinkle cocoa powder.

And on top of the cocoa powder, shave chocolate curls from chocolate melted onto a pan then chilled and scraped off. *show all this by using your hands; chocolate melting onto a pan, chilling, and being scrapped off*

Then add chocolate sprinkles on top of the chocolate curls on top of the cocoa powder on top of the chocolate icing on top of the chocolate brownies made with couverture chocolate and chocolate Easter eggs, loosened with chocolate milk, surrounding abundant chocolate chips.

Then serve the brownies with chocolate ice cream

With a few chocolate covered stick pretzels.

And a few Girl Scout chocolate mint wafers.

To round it all out. *indicate a circle with both hands*

Add just a little bit of instant coffee. *indicate a pinch of instant coffee*

And a trace amount of vanilla bean paste.

And a teeny-tiny amount of almond extract. *Pinch both index fingers and thumbs to create a tiny space, look through the pinhole space*

Which is quite overpowering.

Even one molecule of almond extract is too much. It will pervade the whole thing and make the entire pile almond flavored.

So use only one atom of almond extract.

To round out the flavors *indicate a circle again using both hands.*

Then pour chocolate liquor over the whole thing.

With very high alcohol content.

Then set the high alcohol chocolate liquor on fire.

And the whole thing goes up in a wavering flame. *using your hands, indicate a large wavering flame*

And this flame is not orange, nor is it yellow. It's not blue such as a gas stove flame is blue, and it is not hot enough to be white.

This flame is like no other flame that you've ever seen.

This flame is chocolate brown. It is a chocolate flame.

The flame plasma is chocolate brown.

And the smoke that comes off the chocolate plasma flame is chocolate fog.

And this chocolate fog-odor is so strong that it permeates every fabric thread in the house; the carpet smells like chocolate smoke, all the upholstery in every room smells like chocolate, the curtains smell like chocolate, the quilts and sheets smell like chocolate, all the clothing, the dishrags, the bathroom towels, even the shoe laces all smell like chocolate. It is inescapable. Your hair and your eyebrows smell like chocolate.

And when you taste 1/16 of a teaspoon, your very first taste from the tip of the spoon, the chocolate flavor is so overpowering you go, 'Jesus fucking chocolate Christ, this brownie is strong!' And the whole experience puts you off chocolate for a full decade.

* sincere earnest expression * See, sometimes you really can go a bit overboard. "

And the strange strained put-on voice with the near-British speech impediment is maintained the whole way through without ever letting up, as if it is a valid voice and not the least funny, and all the gesticulations keep coming consistently, and as if the brownies are a genuine recipe, and as if this whole thing is real.

And you have this recorded and uploaded to YouTube.

Then you die.

And your brothers show the video to their children and they go, "This is your uncle Bo. He really did carry on like this all the time. We never knew how the guy was going to punk us. He was quite insane. And we never really understood how he managed, how he got on."