Sunday, October 26, 2014

T. Hird


Very funny. 

But, who is T. Hird?

Comments to the joke are not helpful, they all assume the name is known. The one clue available is the phrase, "an enormous cream cracker behind the settee." But first, what is a cream cracker? And why is named "cream" when it has no cream in it? (named for the method of creaming the ingredients). 

Turns out to be Thora Hird. 

The cream cracker refers to a play that won awards, a monologue that became popular, about a woman who cleans obsessively and falls while retrieving a cracker behind a settee and injures herself. Seeking help she crawls to the front door where a policeman responds and asks why the darkness behind her, and instead of asking for help she tells him she was napping, then she painfully crawls back inside. Throughout the woman recalls her past, incidents and characters, the death of her own baby that might have been caused by her obsessive cleaning, the monologue characterized by contrast between sadness and humor. Bennett's plays usually conclude bleakly so it is assumed that she died. 


Dame Thora Hird DBE (28 May 1911 – 15 March 2003) English actress.

Looking through Google Images I notice among all the serious pictures somebody has uploaded something so ridiculous that I crack up laughing at the prankster who would produce it; the dame Thora Hird being drawn upstairs by home stair elevator system in a bucket shaped as Dalek.  Who would do such a thing? Wikipedia informs us Thora preformed in a wheelchair near the end of her life.


Why, that Darlek lift is just silly. Possibly mean-spirited.

So I tapped on the picture, visited the page and was delivered to Thora Hird's Twitter account. She did it herself! And at this point due to the Dalek lift she's become interesting. I read through her tweets. Here are a few.

*http://www.newbiscuit.com/2010/11/01/nations-builders-outraged-as-greggs-pasties-reclassified-as-class-a-drugs/ 

*retweeted: Add the words 'in 3D' to your play's title. It is the literal truth and might trick a few cinemagoers into coming.

*Facebook update: Wayne Rooney and Sir Alex Ferguson have changed their relationship status to 'complicated'.Manchester City *likes* this.

*retweeted: RT@philviles: I've gone off the Chilean Miners now they've gone all commercial and mainstream. I preferred their underground period.

*did I mention I'm a Dame?

*retweeted: Why were the police ever issued with pepper sprays? Surely this will lead to the creation of more seasoned criminals.

*News: "Boy George's reptile bites 5 people in one day.' He needs a calmer chameleon.

*My husband once filmed me wanking him off with my toes... Nice bit of footage!

*You don't have to be good at anagrams to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo.

*I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia. Which is the one about being in a closet?

*I could never work in the Jobcentre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day...

*retweeted: TRICK old people into thinking they are haunted by the ghost of Thora Hird by turning their stairlift on and hiding. /via

*How to protect your kids when meeting the Pope... http://twitpic.com/2p3r3r


Dress them as girls.

*DAILY MAIL READERS: Save any embarrassment by hiding your paper inside a copy of "Dogs' Arses Monthly" /via

*@BlueCasket if we're all God's children, whats so special about Jesus?

The account devolves to pope bashing as it goes further back meaning that's how the account starts out. I'm becoming wary reading at a string of some 10 or so similar tweets. This is not feeling right.

*Tweeting from the great beyond. Bloody boring up here!

What? No. Wait, what?

Check dates:

Shit.

It's not her. She died March 2003, this account was opened 2010. Twitter is crap for allowing this.

See how socialists are? They usurp dead peoples' identities and leave it for you to discover as they put all sorts of ridiculous anti-religion, anti-capitalist, nonsense in other peoples' mouths. They vote on behalf of dead people since the dead aren't around anymore to do it themselves. It is what they would have wanted, surely. And their fixation on Daily Mail is the same as American liberals' fixation of Fox. 

That was fun, but much less so now that I know I've been tricked into reading a bunch of anti-Catholic bullshit that Thora herself would not say. Bad show there, taking such time, care, talent and effort for speaking ill through the dead.

4 comments:

Eric the Fruit Bat said...

Man! Not only did I take a wrong turn and end up on some obscure side street, I hit a pothole, jumped the curb, and ended up in somebody's living room.

I was thinking "turd."

Unknown said...

Talk about obscure. Even in the obscure world of dead English actresses - socialist liars are busy busy busy.

ricpic said...

The cleaning mania...there's a famous home repair show on radio, can't think of the name of it but I'm sure you've all heard it, broadcast from the midwest, Michigan I think...anyway, the host of the show always says "Water Wins." Which is true. But "Dust Wins," is also true. So give it up already you clean freaks. In the end DUST WINS!

Trooper York said...

Great post as usual Chip. Thanks.