The Case of the Prolific Peer

My dear Holmes

Once again I must trouble you as your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have stopped requesting assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. However now I must trouble you with a new matter that has disturbed the innermost sanctum of Scotland Yard.

The Prime Minister has received several complaints regarding the writings of one Sir Henry Rider Haggard who has recently been promoted to the House of Lords. It appears that Sir Henry is too prolific for the comfort of certain readers who have the ear of the Prime Minister. His tales of the adventures of Allan Quartermain with its dusky maidens, heaving bosoms and savage Africans seem to disturb their somnolent complacency. They demand that he be censored and that he cease producing so much material as it drowns out other voices. They demand that less vigorous and earthy tomes be featured in the press and the literary world. They feel if these writings were given their proper due there would be more comment and interest when they are not superseded by more entertaining light weight fare. The Prime Minister would like to keep the peace and endeavored to inquire if you would intercede. As you are such good friends with the estimable Sir Arthur Conan Doyle perhaps he might speak to Sir Henry and get him to agree to stifle his talent and quiet his voice so that other less estimable fare might find an audience.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I understand that he has moved to the country to immerse himself in his art and his work with young orphan boys. I understand that Lord Baden Powell has agreed to allow him to start a Scout troop which would serve to take up more of his free time and prodigious talents. I trust that he will remember that we can only do so much and that he will be more circumspect in his activities.

In any event give him my regards.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
December 15, 1899