Latest from the Babylon Bee

Roman Authorities Investigating Jesus For Violating Stay-In-Tomb Order
(Babylon Bee April 12. 2020)

JERUSALEM—Roman authorities are investigating controversial religious leader Jesus ofNazareth for violating the Empire's clear "stay in tomb" order. After crucifying him and laying him in the tomb, Roman guards put Him under strict orders to stay there and not come back, rising victorious over sin and death.

But Jesus, answering to a higher authority, refused to stay dead and busted out of the tomb, establishing a kingdom that would never end -- again, in clear violation of the government's orders.

"Jesus is a dangerous rebel, refusing to bend the knee to Caesar and not abiding by the law of sin and death," said one Roman official. "He clearly broke the law by leaving the tomb, and we're going to be issuing a citation and placing him under mandatory quarantine for these crimes."

After coming into contact with many large groups over the course of approximately 40 days, Jesus ascended into heaven and is currently thought to be reigning on high.

Authorities are also investigating Him for planning to gather with a large multitude of every tribe, tongue, and nation. He says he currently has no plans to obey any earthly king on the matter, pressing ahead with the gathering of those who believe He died and rose again and trust Him alone for their salvation.

Happy Easter Rising

Dr. Fauci said......

The National Weather Service has reported that there will be seventy mile an hour winds tomorrow. Since the weatherman is never wrong the President has consulted with his scientific advisers. Dr. Fauci has insisted that due to the potential damages based on the computer models every home in the United States must be demolished because if the winds knock them down some people might get hurt. Of course women and minorities will be most affected. All Americans are directed to give up their personal residences and report to government shelters until they are allocated approved governmental housing.

So please be prepared for your house to be demolished because as we know Dr. Fauci is never wrong.

The Babe Abides

"We are here with the pitching sensation of the Boston Red Sox the one and only Babe Ruth. Babe how do you think the Sox are going to do in this early going of the 1918 season?"
"Why we are going to the Series keed waddaya think?"
"Well it seems that the Yankees have a good team as do the Tigers so do you really think the Sox can get to the Series?"
"Of course we can whats the matter with you? Are you retarded or something?"
"Babe several of the fellas have been down with the flu in Spring Training. Do you think that will effect the team this season/"
"What a little flu? Why would that be a problem? What are we pussies? I once played the whole season with the clap and my pecker was oozing like a tube of Peposdent that I stepped on when I was fucking that whore on the bathroom sink. A little flu never meant nothing. Besides I hear only them spics get it."
"Thanks Babe for your time."
"Get that to editing. They might have to slice it up a little. Achoo. Damn I think I have an allergy to pine tar or something.."

When it was OK for a Presidential Candidate to Smell your hair

"Oh Ronnie we can't do this. What will Nancy say?"
"Don't worry sweetheart. It's not like we are married or anything. I just want to smell your hair. What is that lovely scent? Chanel?"
"No it is just Dippity Do. I use it to get this hairstyle. All the girls in the chorus do."
"It's smells ....like Freedom. Can we be free Angie?"
"Sure just not with your hands. Who do you think you are sir?"
"I am your candidate darling and I want your vote."

I would like to point out something to you......

But I forgot what it was.

Oh yeah now I remember. What ever happened to blake?

Global Warming in my Pants.

You know what this shut down of our economy for this overstated flu bug is really about?

It is a practice run for shutting us down because of global warming.

Think about it. No food in the supermarket. People informing on their neighbors. The police arresting you for not following the dictates of every petty tyrant elected mayor or governor who want to abrogate the constitution by closing down the liquor and gun stores. The government deciding if your business or job is essential. Everyone dependent on a government check.

It is communism pure and simple.

The same experts that said millions would die when the total will be about 20,000 are the ones who tell us that global warming will destroy the world in twelve years. They will outlaw personal automobiles and air conditioning. They will proscribe certain foods like beef and demand we only eat carbon neutral produced food like soybeans. Or Soylent Green for that matter.

Many of the horrible scenarios from the science fiction movies of the past are coming true. Some think it will be like "Blade Runner." Others think it will be "Logan's Run" where the elderly will be killed off. Still others think it will be "Soylent Green."

Me I think it will be like "Planet of the Apes."

Welcome your new Overlords:

Betty White is a Whore

So many old farts are kicking off these days. John Prine. Al Kaline. Joe Diffe. Tom Dempsy.

But you know who is going strong?

Betty White.

She is going strong singing a song and sucking on a wiener.

That's because Betty White is a whore.

RIP AL Kaline

There were a lot of guys who killed the Yankees back in the day. Some of them you hated like Yaz and Rico and Denny Mc Clain.

But some guys you respected and wished were on your team. Brooks Robinson. Boog Powell. Joe Rudi. Frank Robinson. Willie Mays. Willie Mc Covey. Willie Stargel. Most of all there was Al Kaline.

A great player. A class guy. A real gentlemen.

The best praise I can give him is that he would have made a great Yankee.

They don't make guys like Al Kaline anymore.

Rip Al.

RIP John Prine

I used to listen to him a lot when I was in college.

Recently I have been playing him on my Alexa.

Rip John. You did good son.

Marilyn's Diary

We were always very health conscious in the Munster family.  Aunt Lily made us eat right and was ahead of her time in her use of herbal homeopathic remedies. She cooked all of our dinners and we were all fit as a fiddle. Even Uncle Herman which was an impressive feat since he was made of over 1,545 different people that the Doctor back in the old country used to create him. Some of them must have been sickly after all since they were dead when he took the parts. Still and all we were remarkably healthy.

Aunt Lily was a good if eclectic cook. She made the normal fair. Macaroni and frog.  Spaghetti and newt sauce.  Every thing was fine until one day she made something that got us all sick. You see she made Chinese bat soup.

We all got sick. Eddie started coughing and wheezing. He sounded just like he did when he whacked off when he stole some of my pee stained panties. Aunt Lily and Uncle Herman changed color. Normally they were green but they turned pink. It was a little terrifying.

The worst of course was Grandpa. You see he was the most at risk, He was the oldest considering he was over three thousand years old. And he had a underlying condition. You see he was a vampire so when he sucked out blood he would get all kinds of esoteric blood diseases. He was the first person to discover sickle cell anemia because he liked him some brown sugar. So he was really affected.

Eventually we all got better. As usual these things are wildly overstated. I mean it wasn't the plague or berri berri or anything like that there. It did effect Grandpa the most I guess because it got him interested in medicine. He got a part time job as a technician with this doctor named Marcus Welby.  He was famous for hiring odd people. He had the first wetback nurse and his partner was a retard who was so dumb he ended up marrying Barbara Striesnd.

So Grandpa started working for him. Of course he was up to his old tricks. He wrote some numbers on his dick and told the patients that it was a thermometer. Some of these Hollywood people were so dumb that he believed it. Grandpa really loved to take their temperature.

You see he always did it anally.

Grandpa was a scamp.

When quarantine goes bad...if you live in a spook house

KLEM FM

The steady drip, drip, drip, of bad news and anti-Trump media sentiment (which is not news) is just torture:

That track is actually from a Disney vinyl I had as a kid.  Like "The Song Of The South," you just can't make that stuff any more.
____________________________

I promised deborah a shot of my (white) calla lilies, which are in bloom:

There are three levels of flar goin' on. There is a bottom row of tulips which came and went in February. What's left of them can be seen better here:

Tulips are interspersed between rocks and sand. Lilies and star jasmine are rooted in the higher soil, covered with Korean grass. The star jasmine, the climber on the racks, is not yet in bloom; this should happen out here in May or whenever the weather holds steady above 70.

Added: A "before" shot taken that first year when I was still working on the inside:

Where this all got started....I knew back in 1968

"Bat Soup Hossaroni!"




It was always in the cards. We just never knew.