Dear Tulsi

Dear Tulsi,

You don't know me but I am Mayor Pete and I will be the next President of the United States. I know I will because my mother said I would and she is never wrong so you should just drop out now bitch.

 I know I might be a little behind in the polls but who doesn't love a little behind. I know I do and it is my time because the gays control this country. We control the media. Look at Don Lemon and Anderson Cooper. Look at Shep Smith. Look at any reporter. They are all gay and they are all on my side. So I have the media in my pocket book.

I am having a little trouble with the blacks but I have an answer for that. I will have that Stacy Abrams be my VP. A nice big black woman like the one that raised me. My mother you know the one that is always right? Well she wanted me to be raised right so she got a big black woman like they had in Gone With the Wind. You know what I mean. My mother was too busy to stay at home. She was a famous law professor at a third rate Midwestern College and they specialize in raising gay sons. So I am now the standard bearer for all of my twinkie friends all over the county. Our time is now.

So take your titties and your foul vagina and go back to Hawaii. Or to Syria I know you like the brownies. I have to go pinch a loaf and walk the rare clumbers and get ready for the debate. You're over bitch. Give it up. Or I will scratch your eye out.

Toodles,
Mayor Pete.