You want you eclipse glasses? I got your eclipse glasses right here....

So everybody is losing their shit about the solar eclipse. The wife loves this bullshit and she ordered our special protective glasses a month ago. But guess what? They screwed up the shipping. They had the zip code off by one number and it was returned. When we got the tracking number and I called the post office and they told me it was sent back and there was nothing they could do.

I called the company and they said they couldn't send it back until they got it. They were sold out. So we were screwed. Again.

We went on line to buy them. Of course the prices were outrageous. Most of the vendors were sold out. We finally contacted the company that makes them and they would only sell us 25 pieces. With overnight shipping and Saturday delivery we paid through the balls. We wouldn't even be there in time for the delivery so I had them shipped to the pet food store that opens at 8AM.

So I take out our glasses and put a sign outside. We were selling them for $15 a pair. Seems like a lot right? Well I just told the people look you can buy it or buy two cups of coffee at the new coffee shop on the corner that is paying $18,500 a month rent. You don't want it? Fuck you with a rusty spoon.

I sold them all in two hours.

This craze reminds me of  the cabbage patch Dolls. Remember that craze? Well I have a funny story about that.


I was working in an Orthodox Jewish Accounting firm at the time and I shared an office with this Orthodox guy. He had to get this doll for his kid. He was divorced and the yenta he used to be married to was using everything she could to poison his daughter against him. So he was desperate.

I listened to him call around all day trying to find where they had these stupid dolls. Finally he found a place. Which was crazy because it was the week before Christmas.

"Listen" he says to me."You live in Brooklyn right? They say they have the dolls in their store. Mays Department store on Fulton Street. Do you know where that is?"

I started laughing my ass off. "Sure Moshe but I don't think you really want to buy it there. I just have a feeling." I didn't let the cat out of the bag.

"I have to get it for my daughter. But I am kind of afraid. Will you come with me?"

"Sure buddy. We are lantzman after all. We just have to take the F train to Jay St Borough Hall and walk a couple of blacks....errr blocks. No problemo."

So after work we jump on the train and get to Fulton Street. As we are walking down the street he is shitting his Tzitziss. We walk into the store and the floor walker who looks like Scatman Crothers from the "Shining" is there. Jeez it was so long ago they had floor walkers. I go "Hey brother do youse guys have any of those cabbage patch dolls." "Sure enouf Captain up in the Toy Department on the Fifth floor." "Thanks man."

We go up the escalator passing the floors with the dashiki's and the hair weave products. We get out on the floor and walk to the end of the floor. Sure enough there are about 100 Cabbage patch dolls.

They were all black.

Moshe didn't know whether to shit or go blind. "Oy what do I do?" "Why you buy it of course. Your kid is only a baby. She doesn't know anything. Just be sure to call and ask the ex something for me."
"What's that?" "Guess whose coming to Shabbos?"