Since I wrote a similar premature post for the Republicans, it seems only fair to take a look at the Democrats' best hopes in 2016. Who gives them the best chance to retain power, so that they can continue to protect us from the sinister triumvirate of binders full of women, prosperity, and rodeo clowns?
I have no fucking idea.
Seriously, I could only think of one viable candidate, and she'll be 70, and she has higher negatives than Satan. So I consulted
this article -- let's take a look at this guy's first few picks:
Hillary Clinton:
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| I won't actually reduce you to a eunuch; I'll leave you an angry nubbin this long. |
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I don't really have anything against Hillary. I mean, other than her relentless pursuit of power and her apparent willingness to stop at nothing to obtain it; the nepotism that's gotten her this far; her hidden hard-left agenda; her (possibly justified, given her spouse's behavior) hatred of men. It's the pants suits I just don't think I can take. And if she's the nominee, be prepared to see a lot of pictures of her back when she wore this little green number:
(Read more after the jump)
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| Yes, I did just swallow a fly. But what difference, at this point, does it make? |
Joe Biden:
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| Can we compromise, and leave me with this much nubbin? |
As a Republican, I'd just like to say: I can find absolutely no flaw in this man.
The viability -- nay, inevitability -- of his candidacy and election fill me with dread. As much as I'd like to, I can't find anything with which to criticize or mock him.
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| Unnggghh!! I just made poopy in my pants! |
Elizabeth Warren:
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| Lia-awatha's tomahawk will leave Chief Shitting Bull with this much manhood. |
So, by tucking her hair behind her ears like that, is this supposed to make her blond-haired blue-eyed Native American claims more believable? Is that enough to make low-information voters forget or forgive such an obvious self-serving act of fraud that it should have been a lifetime disqualification for public office?
Jesus, didn't this lunatic call for a $15 per hour minimum wage? By 2016, what percentage of the population will actually have remaining appetite for a hard-left ideologue academic idiot? I can't believe she made this list.
Andrew Cuomo:
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| I'm sorry, I got here late. Why are we all doing this with our fingers again? |
Who the fuck is this? Wasn't this guy killed in the second season of The Sopranos? I think Pauli and Sal took him out to the Pine Barrens.
And what's the deal with that fucking band-aid on this thumb?
Mark Warner:
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| Pew! Pew! I got you, you've got to fall down, Joe! |
And I repeat myself: Who? The only time I've seen this asshole was when he made the rounds on talk shows making political hay from the Virginia Tech massacre. So I guess he has shameless opportunism and a strong stomach for his own bullshit going for him.
That, and the Obama-like ability to sprout halos:
All in all, I'd say that is one sorry-assed motley crew. Dynastic nepots, diagnosable retards, frauds, extremists, and thoroughly unattractive no-names.
So who did I leave out? And who you got?
24 comments:
It'll be Michelle Obama.
Hickenlooper 2016
Mark my words. He's the only positive they have right now that hasn't spent 50 years in Washington. He comes off folksy, like Bill Clinton.
It would be high drama if Warren went head to head against Hilldog.
Debrah, Warren doesn't have the balls.
I'd like to see the Democratic Party nominate someone who's two-thirds or maybe even three-quarters Negro, my interest being purely scientific.
Corey Booker. There's just enough corruption in his background now to make him a viable democratic candidate. One scandal with a white woman and he becomes irresistible to the fantasist contingent and he's a shoo-in.
People need to give up the delusion that reality has anything to do with a Democrat's qualifications.
She's not a phony or anything.
Her voice is so grating. Like fingernails on a chalkboard.
Unfortunately, between the power hungry bastards in the House and Senate, I'm not sure if it matters anymore who is President. I don't like saying that, but increasingly, it's been the truth.
We are fucked.
Well, if Sheriff Joe and/or La Warthog aren't available, why not
Anthony Villaraigosa!?!
West coast representin'.
He's a person of COLOR who is a PROFESSOR at HARVARD and, BONUS, an extensive history of corruption, fraud, sophistry, and unfortunate personal life choices all of which will make this spokesmodel easier to manipulate than the current puppet king.
"I'm crushing your head!"
The primary battle will be epic.
Hillary!'s not as popular with the demos as some would think. Watch for a governor.
Andy Cuomo's likeliest, but he's got some baggage.
I think yashu and I are on a similar wavelength, that whole time I was thinking, Pastafarian, good find with all the 'crushing your head' photos.
That takes some doing.
One of my pet peeves that is peeviest at politicians is pointing. I went through a phase where I did that to people, point while talking and to emphasize tap them on the chest. One guy told me later he nearly broke my finger if I did that one more time and that made me think best give that up.
And since I've let my umbrage known so sharply through satire, through gifs of an unlikely animal come flying from nowhere that takes the finger as bait -- how's that for subtle? -- I noticed an abrupt dropoff in that, like the Cosmos responding to my satire. Finger jabbing tested poorly in clinical trials, I imagine, but the ingrained habit, innate to the species, actually, is impossible to break. It can be tamed to a half-point, pointing with a bent finger, and ewww that is so bad, and tamed to an equally irritating 'holding a toothpick'-point, and 'tapping an invisible baton'-point, but the habit cannot be ridded from the species or you'd have a different species.
I have a Pelosi-Reid crushing their heads anim, wanna see it? Hahaha, found it right off by [crushing]
OT, but I'd like to know what our vets think of this former Marine's remarks.
Democrats: Whose dick is biggest?
Hillary: My dick is thiiiis big.
Hillary: [smirk]
Slow Joe: My dick is this big.
Slow Joe: hurhurhur hyuk!
Fauxcahontas: My granny told me that mine is this big ... and I've always assumed this to be the case though I've never actually checked
Andrew Cuomo: darrghhhrawr loud noises penis angry!
Mark Warner: Pull my finger. Bang!
Elbert Guillroy for President.
Speaking of 2016, I just realized that all but one of the Republicans being touted right now for the president and vice president spot are Roman Catholics. Is that going to be a problem in the general election?
Bobby Jindal, R.C.
Chris Christie, R.C.
Kelly Ayotte, R.C.
Marco Rubio, R.C. (sort of)
Paul Ryan, R.C.
Scott Walker, non-denominational
Susana Martinez, R.C.
Even Jeb Bush is R.C.!
Chip,
:-)
Giving someone the pointer finger.
'tapping an invisible baton'-point
That's like what Clinton does, right? Thumb over closed hand.
Too lazy to find an example. But I notice he just did plain ol' finger-pointing here.
I know the perfect guy for the Democrats to run for President.
Chris Christie.
What are the chances that Obama will corral all these "phony" scandals, relabel them CRISIS, and suggest he should run for a third term in 2016, actually just nominate and elect himself by executive order, as an exception if need be, to avoid changing horses mid-stream and all that....
Preposterous? Really?
Speaking of 2016, I just realized that all but one of the Republicans being touted right now for the president and vice president spot are Roman Catholics.
You forgot Rand Paul (Presbyterian) and Ted Cruz (Southern Baptist).
@ Troop re Christie.
My thoughts also. My BIL scoffed, but I don't know ...
I think there are enough Republicans who say "No way" to Christie.
And I think he wants it.
The viability -- nay, inevitability -- of his candidacy and election fill me with dread. As much as I'd like to, I can't find anything with which to criticize or mock him.
The logical connection between these two statements is certainly creative.
Anyway, these might be fictional but for some reason make for hilarious mockery. Or just good clean fun.
http://www.theonion.com/topics/joe-biden/
http://www.theonion.com/video/biden-criticized-for-appearing-in-hennessy-ads,14392/
http://www.theonion.com/articles/shirtless-biden-washes-trans-am-in-white-house-dri,2718/
If there's a kernel of truth to go with the hilarity of those bits, I guess I'm starting to understand the logic behind the Republican 2012 field a little better.
"Speaking of 2016, I just realized that all but one of the Republicans being touted right now for the president and vice president spot are Roman Catholics."
You forgot Rand Paul (Presbyterian) and Ted Cruz (Southern Baptist).
Well, putting those designations as arm labels on the candidates' sleeves would make things a lot easier.
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