The case of greasy infidel

 

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I know that I have continually requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass-stained lover. Be that as it may, I would request that we put that matter in abeyance so that I can ask for your assistance in an entirely different matter

We here at the Yard are well aware of the secret work your brother Mycroft does with the Foreign Office. It is the reason we have not inquired too closely into the comings and goings of various swarthy sepoys and tattooed lascars in his rooms at the club. We presume that he is simply gathering information that would educate rather than edify. However, a recent difficulty with certain foreign powers has caused some concern with my superiors and I would like to address them with you.

It seems that several members of a Bedouin cast have made visits to your brother’s abode. They are obviously clearly Musselman and we have followed several of them back to their place of worship which you might know as a “mosque.” On further investigation, we have determined that they are part of a plan to protest and cause disorder in the public square to protest the actions of certain Hebraic factions in the Holy Land. They plan a disorderly protest as well as acts of violence that can not be tolerated by Her Majesty’s government.

This would not be a problem if the Honorable Disreali were still in power. Unfortunately, the advent of Prime Minister Gladstone has led to a tolerance of violence towards the Jews. The Yard is therefore at an impasse. We can not take action for fear we will not be supported by the government when the Arab moves to kill the Jew. I would ask if you had some inkling of what we can do to effect change and prevent further disorder and criminal activity. Perhaps you could enquire of your brother as to the actual policy extant as to these disorders so we might take guidance as to what we might do.

Although we at the Yard are not enamored of the Hebrew in general, we do not want to see them killed in the street. Especially on our watch despite the popularity of that course of action among many of the party in power. Although the Wigs often claim to support the people of the book, they in fact cleave to the mercenary alliance with the vast pockets of the sheiks and sultans who are the bitter enemy of the Hebrews and who seek to destroy them root and branch.

I would beseech you to question your brother as to what he is doing with the visits of these disreputable desert dwellers and to find out if he is associating with them as part of his employment or for a more personal reason.

My best to Doctor Watson and I hope he is enjoying marital bliss since his recent wedding. I presume that he is fully recovered from the swelling and painful discharge he evidenced after his bachelor do. When last I saw him as he left the water closet, he was in pain to such a degree that I ventured to jest that he had begun to resemble a Chinese woman. Please assure him that was not in fact an allusion to the size of his breasts. We all increase in weight as we age. I trust he will forgive my impertinence and join you in your efforts in this most serious matter.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 18, 1884