Hell needs a new PA Announcer

Forcas: Will you be interviewing any new announcers my dread Lord.
Lucifer: Yeah we might as well. I just got back from the fucking doctor. My arch fell again. Can you believe that shit? Anyway who do we have in the last bus?
Forcas: Well we have several people that will be coming in. A bunch of Puerto Ricans who moved to Florida will be in next week. That child molester who killed himself. A couple of run of the mill gang bangers from Chi town. But there is one in particular that I think you might want to see. She starred in a famous sitcom!

 Lucifer: Holy shit. That cunt Betty White is finally here! I thought our deal was that she could live to 130. Cool beans.
Forcas: No not the lesser demon Betty White. She still has far too much evil to do on Earth.
Lucifer: Then who is it? Mackenzie Phillips? The one that banged her father? Sweet. I love a dirty girl.
Forcas: No not her either. It’s Rhoda!

Lucifer: Holy Shit. I have been waiting for her for a long time. So has Mary Richards. She has been burning away here like Lindsey Lohan’s twat. Send her in.
Forcas: Right away Sire!
Valerie Harper: (slides down the stairwell to hell and tumbles at the feet of Satan and his right hand fallen angel Forcas, she groans straightens her headband rubs her vagina). What’s going on here? One minute I was walking to a bright light and met a man in a robe with a clipboard and the next thing I know a trap door opens and I am roasting my touches off. 

Lucifer: Welcome to hell bitch. You thought you were going to get away with it? Playing a Hebe on TV when you were really a Wop. The Big Guy don’t like that. He loves the Guinea’s. That’s why he always wants them to be Pope. He is pissed right now and you came along at the right time to cheer him up by sending you to Hell.

Valerie Harper: Wait a minute! This can't be right. I suffered so much on Earth there is no way I have to suffer in hell. I had to blow Ted Baxter for an audition for fucks sake. It was Me Two inch all the way down. I had to carry that whore Mary Tyler Moore who only got the show because she was married to the producer and looked good in capri pants. Plus that commie Ed Asner and Captain freaking Stubing. Betty White promised me if I got her on the show I would be going to heaven. It’s just not fair!

Lucifer: Tough shit baby. Betty lied to you. That’s what she does. She is a Demon for crying out loud. You are here on the Sandy Duncan infield fly rule. You screwed over too many people on the way up so you have to go all the way down. You were so nasty you tried to get your own sitcom canceled so hundreds of poor people would be fired. Plus you made a star of freaking Jason Bateman! That alone is a ticket to Hell bitch. Forcas take her and her collection of head scarves and her counterfeit matzo away.
Forcas: Yes Sire. (Two burley demons grab Rhoda and drag her away as she protests feebly that she is a serious actress and a liberated woman and she couldn't be treated this way)
Lucifer: What a maroon. Foras send to sitcom hell with Fred Mertz and Freddie Prinze and the cast of I Remember Mama those perverts. They can use their diseased members to triple team her for a while.
Forcas: Very well my lord. Who will we have announcing today?
Lucifer: I don't know. I need a little entertainment. Get Marilyn out here. She has been bored while she is waiting for ricpic. Let her sing.  I want to torture everyone for a while. It feels so good to be bad.