Beans

Are you talking to me?
Are you talking to me?
Are you taw king to me?
Are you talking to me?
Are you talking to me?
You must be talking to somebody else.

And her Lady Godiva hair that we must see fully displayed is all the hair that she's got. All of it is pulled to the front. On purpose. We notice it's important psychologically for her to have us see all of the hair that she's got.

Because it's such a massive pain the ass to maintain, hair all over the place, all over the bathroom, all over the bed, clogging the drains, clogging the vacuum, waking up in the morning with hair in her mouth, picked out of her food, even seen in the unread pages of new books. How does that even happen? A pain to wash and even greater pain to dry. Looks terrible when not clean. And most of all shown unnecessarily in her videos.

I know this because I had more hair than that.

You see, I had fantastic hair, like Sampson but without all those overbearing muscles rippling all over the place like a maniac, but my dad wouldn't allow long hair. So at seventeen years of age I got all ballsy and said, "fuck this chickenshit outfit. I'm tired of being bossed around" and I left. And grew my hair down to my butt just to prove a point.

A stupid point, but I proved it.

And I was fre-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e.

To fail in every way possible.  Except being arrested. And I learned things. Like short hair is a lot better. Especially when it grows thickly like a dense string mop. My hair was truly glorious. But way WAY WAY too much trouble to bother.

So that's how I know.

Finally, with that out of the way, literally, she tells us everything we already know about beans. So she must be talking to somebody else. She could have put her hair up or tied back before starting, but it was too important that we see it first. That's the main thing. More important than beans.

She's talking to somebody else. Not me. Not you.

Let's watch anyway to see what other people don't know about beans. And have pity for them. Her real audience does ask questions in her comments section. She had better say not to add anything acid until the beans are done. And she should not say that about salt. It's the pH that toughens the surface of beans, not salt, as widely believed.

I'll tell you my secret to great beans. And this is top secret. Add anything that you like, *whispers* pork, and I mean anything *whispers* jalapeño, but you must add some kind of *yells* fat, and you must add something *yells* sweet and something *yells* sour.

Did I mention cumin and cilantro?

I like watching children. Watching them grow is adorable. Watching them teach one another is fascinating.

Then from the ethereal plane Jesus goes, "I know, right?  Like I'm watching you."

And I'm all, "What? Jesus, are you talking to me?"