Friday, July 22, 2016

Melania Trump's Diary

Thank God that is over. Finally this stupid convention is over and we can get on with the rest of the campaign. I thought this was going to be a lot of fun. Balloons. Celebrations. Champagne. Instead it was government cheese on Ritz Crackers with Cold Duck.  What a mess.

I got in a lot of trouble with my speech. I don’t understand it. I trusted Meredith to write up something for me. You know English isn't my first language. In fact it isn’t even my fourth. So I relied on her to come up with something more personal than the tripe that the campaign came up with. I didn't know she was going to copy off someone else’s paper. Normally I can say anything and nobody cares. They just stare at my tits. Not that it really mattered. It was a pile of platitudes and bullshit like all first ladies do. I told her that admired Michelle Obama’s speech. And I do. It is amazing the bullshit she gets away with. I want to follow in her footsteps. But as a Republican you can’t do anything without the press trying to hang you. I have to get used to it. I will because I have gotten used to much worse. I mean when I was a model I had to smell Heidi Klum’s clam that was like low tide at Coney Island. And look at Naomi Campbell’s pubes that sort of look like Todd Bridges head after he got a mini fro. Talk about your monkey sex. She was always trying to finger me. So I can put up with a lot of crap.

Then we have that nasty Ted Cruz making a speech where he refused to endorse the Donald. We expected that. Ted Cruz refuses to do a lot of things. He refuses to keep his dick in his pants. He refuses to stop beating his wife that poor sap Heidi. He refuses to admit that his Dad used to work for Jack Ruby and was always buying pina colada’s for Lee Harvey Oswald back in the day. Donnie knows all about this. And not just from the National Enquirer. You see when Donnie had to pay off Fat Tony Salerno to get the concrete poured at Trump Tower they would have long lunches at Sparks Steakhouse. Fat Tony had a big mouth.  That got him sent up the river for life because the cops bugged his car. He loved to brag to Donnie who was a young whippersnapper back then. Anyhoo Fat Tony was always bragging about how the boys did Jack Kennedy. Santo and Carlos and Sam Giacanna and them. He said that there was a bunch of Cubans involved and that Pappy Cruz was the bagman. He carried money funneled through Jack Ruby’s strip club to Miami where it bounced back to New Orleans to keep Lee Harvey afloat and keep his Russian bitch in borscht. So Donnie knows it’s true. You notice how Pappy Cruz ain't said jack shit about it. It is because he is afraid to lie and he doesn't know how much we know. So when Teddy claims it is the insult to his Pappy that stopped him from endorsing us you know it is bullshit.

Not that we need Cruz anyway. Everyone hates his ass. Everyone. Now more people do than ever before. If he would have played ball like Fatty Arbuckle from Jersey Donnie would have put him on the Court. He wouldn't even had to shine his shoes or anything like Christie does or stand on the Mar De Largo Lawn in a Jockey Suit like Uncle Ben has to do so we will help pay off his campaign debt. But now he gets nothing but the back of our hands. I should have just busted a cap in his ass. If I have to get out my James Bond getup I still can. It still fits.

Finally Donnie got to make his speech. Of course that slut bag Ivanka had to have the primo spot before him. She really is Daddy’s little girl. When Donnie came on he went to put his hand on her ass like he always does when he sees her skanky face but she dodged him and they caught it on camera. She at least is aware of the camera because Donnie always forgets. At least he didn't try to tweak her nipples like he usually does when she sits on his lap which she does every time she visits. That wouldn't have worked because she just dropped another little rug rat and her fun bags are full of milk. If Donnie tweaked them they might have shot milk out and blinded Bob Dole or something. We have given the press enough to bash us with so thank God we dodged that bullet bra so to speaskankyk.

We are going back on the trail now. We might take a break to watch the Democratic Convention. Are they going to talk about how Hillary touches Bill on the stage? I mean how is she going to carry a ten foot pole when she just had another stroke? Are the savages going to riot in the streets? They were quiet in Cleveland but they are sure to go nuts in Philly because Hillary will knuckle under and buy them off. Will Bernie actually be a better party man than Ted Cruz? It is going to be interesting.

I am going to take the time to work on my speeches. I have decided to only make five minute speeches and always wear a really low cut top. All the fat white guys in Hawaiian Shirts and shorts will get a boner and put down their beer and hot dogs and vote for us. Guarantied.

I am going to be a great First Lady.


ricpic said...

Oh I wanna go back to Slovenia
Take me back to Old Slovenia
It's the only little old place
For little old me
I wanna sleep with hogs like Ma and Pa
And fart my way through sauerkraut dreams
From Donald's balls I'll finally be free!

Lem said...

Playboy put clothes back on the playmates.

Trooper York said...

Sauerkraut Dreams?

Dude you are the best.

You really should self publish on Amazon a book of your poems. It is really cheap to do and I bet you can sell a few copies. More than a few. Your perspective and voice will resonate. Just sayn'

Lem said...

Twitter was having a field day with Trump appearing to grope his daughter.

Are all these things done purposely, because like Scott Adams says we only pretend to care about issues.

ricpic said...

Thanks, Troop. I'm such a technical Neanderthal I couldn't pull it off. But it's a pleasant dream.

edutcher said...

Melania's dust up was for wonks only, and I think most of them got bored rather quickly.

He had a good convention - Kudos to Rinse and, yes, Ryan - the rules fights were quickly smoothed over and you know who did himself in.

Methadras said...

Watching Cruz implode under the weight of his own hubris was fucking win for me. You guys ever see those youtube videos of people smashing shit under those 1000 ton hydraulic presses, well, that was what it was like watching Cruz. Squish.