Monday, February 22, 2021

Hipster Holocaust

 “Hipster Holocaust Chapter Four

Dummy McCarthy and Julio Torrez were standing at the autopsy while the Medical Examiner made an incision down the breastbone of the almost albino body on the table. Pale and thin she was big boned girl who must have kept the weight off by subsisting on the hipster diet of premium coffee and cigarettes. The stark evidence of her white privilege made her numerous tattoos stand out like a dog shit on freshly fallen snow. She had the usual tribal band on her arm and the ubiquitous tramp stamp. A large cartoon mushroom was growing out of her pubes. Or where her pubes would have been if she had not been freshly shaved.

“So how did she die Doc? I take it she didn’t drown? Unless the big hole where her throat should have been made her swallow too much of that Canal Water?” asked McCarthy while he idly scratched his balls. Torrez did not complain because he had his finger shoved up his nose as if he was mining for a nugget. They were both famous for their couth.

“Cause of death was exsanguination Dummy. She bled out almost before she hit the water. There was no water in her lungs so she must have been dead when she hit the water.” “Shit Doc that ain’t water in the Canal” Torrez joked. “Did she have any oil slick scum in her lungs?” “No it was the throat cutting that did the deed. The perp might have some knowledge of anatomy because he hit the exact right spot on the jugular that meant almost instant death. There was no slashing or hesitation marks. Just one slit nice and neat.”

Doc Isaac was short and frizzy haired under the dirty surgical cap he wore. It was extra-large because he had pushed up his curls to keep them out of the miasma on the table. He squinted through a thick pair of wire rimmed glasses as he ripped out her heart and placed on the scale. He weighed it and called out the specifics to the tape and to the silent tiny Asian girl who was his assistant. She hadn’t said a word so far today. She rationed them. No more than ten sentences a day. Which was all right with Isaac. That was the whole reason he loved to work in the morgue. The corpse talked to him. Just not with words. The solace of silence was his haven before we went home to his wife Rivka and their ten kids in Borough Park. The life of an Orthodox Jew was many things but one thing it was not is quiet. Still and all he enjoyed the dynamic duo of the loud mouthed Irishman and the sardonic Puerto Rican. They were like a comedy team. He wouldn’t want to make a diet of it but now and again it was some welcome comic relief.

“Did you identify her Dummy?” “Yeah. My excellent police work told me her name was Sunshine Eastman. I shit you not. Stone hipster moved her from upstate. Works in a boutique up on Court Street. That’s our next stop.” “That’s impressive. Quick work” said the Doc as he stripped her liver out and replaced the heart on the scale. May Ling had already put the heart in a specimen jar for later examination.

“Don’t let him pull you dick Doc” laughed Torrez. “He found her wallet in her pants. Her driver’s license had an address from upstate and she had a pay stub from that fat girl store on President Street. Which is weird because she isn’t that fat. One of life’s little mysteries.”

“Well time of death is not a mystery. It was three am yesterday give or take a few minutes. Her blood alcohol was pretty high and she had pizza in her stomach. She must have been drinking before she died so there is that.”

“Yeah I figured she was boozing Doc” said Dummy. “We will be hitting the bars around the neighborhood tonight after we finish with you and report in to the Twat.” Torrez shook his head. “You keep saying that and it is going to get back to her Dummy. You don’t want her on your ass any more than she already is dude.”

“He’s right Dummy” said the Doc as he leaned over the body and looked into the cavity and poked around with his fingers. “She is a klafte for sure. Everybody knows that.” “Why you know her from u[ around Jewtown Doc?” asked Dummy. “I thought she lived in Jamaica Estates not Borough Park.’ “She moved there now but she came from Borough Park. In fact her family used to belong to my shul. Nobody wanted to have anything to do with her. She was that nasty.”

“I hear you but we still have to deal with her. Fuck it. I got twenty five years in so I don’t have to kiss her pimply fat ass. Let’s go Torrez. Might as well get it over with. Doc shoot me a copy of the autopsy as soon as you can all right? A prelim if fine. I got to get a handle on this quick.” “I will Dummy no worries.”

McCarthy and Torrez went out into the rain and got in their car. As they drove through the rain slicked streets Torrez stared pensively out the window. “So waddya think? Lovers quarrel? Robbery? Crime of passion? Lots of room for speculation here Dummy.” Dummy sat hunched over the steering wheel as he tried to see out of the dirty windows. They had to get this fucking shit box cleaned one of these days. “Don’t know Beaner. We have to see. Let’s go into this with an open mind. And don’t say too much to this cunt. The less she knows the better.” “Okey dokey.”

They pulled up Union Street and stopped a few feet away from the front door of the 76 as they slid the Toyota up on the sidewalk and parked sideways like the rest of the hotshots in the precinct. They walked slowing in the door and up the stairs to the Detective Squad room. No sooner did they sit down then the captains but boy came scurrying over. “The Captain wants to see you now McCarthy. Right now.” “Take it easy you little shit or I will hold you out the fucking window until you piss down your pants into your mouth.” “I’m going to report that McCarthy. You can’t talk to me like that.” “Fuck you…you little pissant I will talk to you any way I want. Tell the Captain we will be there in a few minutes. I want to take a leak so unless she wants to follow me into the crapper she has to wait a freaking minute. Fuck it. Let’s just go in and piss all over her desk.”

The two detectives went to the back of the floor to the Captains office. Torrez hit the door jam twice. “Enter” shouted the diminutive prescient commander. All of five feet tall and round as a bowling ball she was 200  pounds of resentment and bile topped by a curly Jew fro and a schnozzola that went out of style when Jimmy Durante retired. It made sense that she was so small. You could only stack shit so high.

“So what do you have to say for yourself McCarthy” spit the midget sized commander. “Not much Captain. Twenty five year old woman name Sunshine Eastman. From upstate but she works at the boutique on President and Court. She had her throat cut and was tossed in the Canal off the Carroll Street bridge around three in the morning. She was drinking so we are going to hit the bars tonight to see what’s up. That’s all we got so far.” The captain sniffed like smelt something bad. But then she always did that around the detectives. They were not her kind of cops. Not her kind of people. She planned to get these dinosaurs out as soon as possible to get some diversity into the unit. She had her eye on a couple of Latino lesbians to promote into the Detective bureau as soon as she could get a chance.

“See that you get this cleared as soon as possible McCarthy. You hear me? None of your bullshit or I will have you out of here so fast you won’t know what hit you.” “Sure thing Cappy. Whatever you say. Why don’t you let us get on with it? Ok?” “Don’t give me your good ol’boy white supremacist bullshit! I am the Captain and you will respect me or you will be fired. You got that McCarthy?” “What does being white have to do with it?” “Don’t talk back to me you shit. I will write you up and call in Internal Affairs. So you are on a tight lease. I want a written report every night so it is the first thing I see on my desk in the morning. You understand McCarthy? You are on thin ice here. Your day is done in this department.”

“Sure thing Captain. Written report every night. You got it.” “Get out of my office and get this done.”

They walked out of the office and walked back to their desks. They looked at each other and both detectives mouthed the same word at the same time.



Sixty Grit said...

Now you are just putting in typos to annoy the resident proofreader, right?

Trooper York said...

No Sixty I am not busting your balls.

I have told you my method. I sit at the computer and let it rip. I give it a cursory glance but when I am in the zone I don't worry about typos or tenses or pretty much anything.

I can always fix that later.

Right now I am in the zone with this story and I am going to press my luck until I get most of it out of my head.

Sixty Grit said...

I figured as much, so I am bustin' your bawls right back, Yankee.

I hereby offer again to proof it before you send it out for publishing. I say that because so far the story is good, it draws the reader in, and I am learning about the decline of oyster harvesting on Gowanes creek.

How about them Canarsee, eh? I imagine they are quite prosperous these days.

ndspinelli said...

Does a fat retard guy work @ the boutique?

Trooper York said...

He doesn't work there...he ownes it.

Sixty Grit said...

Is it too late to sue your grade school English teacher?

Trooper York said...

Too late. She was a nun who quit the convent to move to California to join a commune.

Never heard of again.