Let's start getting ready for New Year party

You don't have to go crazy like we did and plan for 100+ people coming and going throughout the night, many of them to parties in series. A lot of people go to three parties in one night. I did. When I wasn't hosting.

The same ideas can be used for small parties of twenty people or so.

And you can pull it off so comfortably so amiably with such ease that people will be wonder, "Are you a professional caterer, or what?'

This chef is fat, so we can probably trust him. Then again maybe he eats indiscriminately. Let's watch what he does and either accept or reject or modify his suggestions.

Our job is not to feed people dinner. Rather, our job is to stave people's hunger and for people to have something in their stomachs as they drink.

Wouldn't do to have drunks falling about all over the place getting sloppy and heaving their guts onto the carpets, furniture, wastebaskets and laundry. 

We're looking for bright happy colors, food that's appealing. So, "no" to the potatoes. 

If you really wanted the potatoes then you could doll them up with color such as minced scallion for green and something red like diced bell pepper. For dots. But baked potato, good Lord, that's a clunky idea.

Things that are refreshing and light and bright are the best things. 

Like colorful fish tacos. Say, small tostadas. With very lightly fried flaky cod that does not have intense fish flavor. Then topped with light slaw or shredded lettuce, diced tomato and avocado, flavored with cumin and coriander for Old-World depth and flavor. Held together with flavored mayonnaise sauce as glue.

Toni's favorite thing was a dumb idea but people loved these things. They'd be waiting at the oven and entire trays would disappear in seconds. It blends the lowest dumbest cheese with the most expensive crab. It's weird. But those two things do go together. NOT the fake crab. You must use the real deal. Luckily a little goes a long way. 

We called them "confetti crab" for their green and red dots; scallion and red bell pepper. The Velveeta is partially frozen so it shreds more easily. The crab meat is shredded by hand. All that combined with Miracle whip or with mayonnaise with sugar added, and flavored however you wish, say, with Old Bay, or better with any combination of its elements. Look on a label of Old Bay at the store and buy any of those elemental spices. Your version will be better than Old Bay because Old Bay is gross, frankly. They use spice silo floor sweepings. Their spices are the cheapest and they are old. And their tins sit around for years. Just smelling Old Bay makes me ill, but still, it's a very good starting point.

Cut a baguette in thin slices and spread on the confetti crab generously in a pile and bake until the Velveeta melts and turns brown in spots. You can see how one baguette and one bowl of this mixture will work to satisfy your guests. 

One time I made way too many trays of these and lived on them for two months so I'm over them. But that doesn't mean that they're not great for everyone else. Back then I had an extra refrigerator and freezer. They're easy to make, not so expensive, go a long way, delicious, attractively colored, smell fantastic, and people like them. So what the heck.

Incidentally, when my mother discovered the several extra half gallons of vodka and whiskey and rum and cases of beer under the steps in the basement, basically, a well-stocked bar, she yelled at the top of her voice to my father upstairs, "JOHN! COME LOOK AT THIS! LOOK WHAT THIS KID'S GOT DOWN HERE."

"Mum, I'm not going to drink it. GAWL!" 

A similar idea is pita bread split in half. They can be trimmed to be closer to squares. Each half is spread with flavored Philadelphia cream cheese on the rough inside. That's the base and the glue. Then any mixture, say, cooked chicken in its gravy or even turkey, and shredded lettuce and shredded cheese as making a sandwich, whatever else you want. Roll it up into a cylinder with cream cheese sticking it shut. Cut the cylinder into slices so each slice becomes a spiral. They're served cold.

Jalapeño popper is another idea. Tinned diced hot jalapeño works very well, and  shredded Mexican cheese rolled up into won ton wrappers and sealed tightly with water and cornstarch. People love these things when they're drinking. Shallow fried and drained. They're best straight out of the oil. Leftovers freeze very well both cooked and pre-cooked. 

Cambodian type spring rolls are another very good idea. But unfortunately, best assembled hours before serving. These are the freshest of fresh ingredients. Key ingredients are shrimp halved latitudinally, bean sprouts, lettuce, and mint. Mushrooms if you like them. Julienned carrots. And pretty much whatever you'd like to have, say, crushed roasted and sated peanuts. Rolled in rice paper wrappers that come brittle-dry and become pliable when dunked in a bowl of water. Best to have 2 sauces, one of them with peanut butter base, the other with a soy sauce base, the rest of the sauce ingredients are the usual Asian suspects, fish sauce, mirin, sake, sugar, toasted sesame seed oil. And catsup, believe it or not. Each roll can be sliced into three or four segments, brought down to the size of a mouthful. They must be rolled tightly. Obviously.

Rumaki is out. That's a pain in the ass. But if you do decide to make it, one carton of chicken livers goes a very long way. Trim each liver of anything gross. Only nice clean smooth segments are used. And only a tiny segment of chicken liver, not a whole liver per hor d'oeuvre. Each liver can make six or more hor d'oeuvres. Then disguise the flavor by loading them up with brown sugar. Fresh water chestnuts from the Asian markets are best and they're a major pain in the ass to peel and slice, but necessary for crunch. Tinned water chestnuts work, but they're not nearly as crunchy. And jicama lacks any flavor. I suppose you could soak pieces in lime juice to compensate for its shortcoming. Buy good bacon and cut the whole package in half. 1/2 slice bacon determines the size of your hor d'oeuvre. Bake the bacon only half way, so it's half cooked and still pliable. The second baking after assembly and before serving is when the tiny liver piece cooks. 

Place a sliver of water chestnut on the a 1/2 strip of 1/2 cooked bacon. then smear the whole thing with an abundance of brown sugar. Place the tiny chicken liver on top of the water chestnut slice and wrap the bacon around and stab it with a toothpick. Arrange on a covered tray to bake the rest of the way. The bacon finishes cooking to crispiness, the brown sugar melts, and the tiny chicken liver cooks through. Done.

I must tell you. One time Dr Fred popped an unbaked rumaki in his mouth and ate it. The half baked bacon had the appearance of being done. 

Another time I made a ton of these for an elegant black woman's wedding. A friend of mine. She didn't know what she was asking. She had 400 guests at her reception and I baked 9 LBS of bacon. My whole house smelled of bacon for a week. Put me off rumaki a full decade. 

She rented Spruce Street, the premier local black club at the time. We used their beautiful and ample kitchen to finish things off. Her best friend, another acquaintance of mine, another elegant black woman and her gorgeous young daughter, I'd say, fifteen years of age were there in the kitchen to help. The daughter was lifting a tray of rumaki out of the oven. I do not know her. We met that day. 

Understand I'm the only white person there. The kitchen is bright, but the club is dark. I stand out like Casper the ghost in the club. I literally illuminate like a light bulb. Their bodies absorb light and my body reflects it. 

In the kitchen I said to the girl, "try one." 

She asked, "What's in it?" 

I said, "Chicken liver."

She said, "No. No way. I don't eat no chicken liver." 

"TRY IT! I SAID." 

See, that there is funny. I have no business bossing around a little girl. Especially not a beautiful young girl like her, the daughter of an acquaintance. I expected her to say "No" again. I thought it was funny. But she obeyed and plunked one into her mouth and her eyes lit up and she smiled with satisfaction. "This is good!" 

Of course. The chicken liver is thoroughly disguised. And there is not much of it. Just enough to give even more depth to bacon. It becomes more like liver and bacon candy. Intense savory candy. 

Incidentally, this took several days preparation. I saw that I was getting behind. So I called another woman I know and she dropped what she was doing and came over to help. Later she started her own catering service based on what she did that day. Most of her original recipes were things that we put out. She expanded on her own since then, of course, but just as the man and the woman who got married, that day was the start of her new life. The guests there hadn't seen anything like it. They said so repeatedly. They all assumed I was a hired professional. The husband was blown away and he couldn't believe his new wife is so resourceful. He told me so.