Shoes

I'm against sneakers.

They're not even real shoes.

They're fake-ass made-in-China by slaves from second-rate materials. They don't breathe. They smell. They make the wearer smell. They're hot. They're not natural. They're fraudulent. They're ugly. They fall apart.

One time a friend of mine, rather smart guy, said, "This shoe made me slip. It has a leather sole. Who even wants a leather sole?"

I do!

I want leather shoes with leather soles like God intended. Did God tell his chosen people to put on their sandals manufactured from man-made materials? No, he did not. When Jesus walked the earth did he prance around wearing huaraches made from recycled car tires? No, he did not.

Everyone I know wears sneakers. Even wealthy men. And that's how I gauge how far into decadence we've descended. The whole place has gone to hell. No class whatsoever.

But now my feet are swollen temporarily. But I still need to get around. And my leather shoes won't lace up. I cannot force them on. I have Hillary Clinton ankles. I sure hope this is temporary. I'm down to two pair of leather shoes that I can use. They're rather large for summer. So I broke down and did what everyone else does, and this was a major concession. I don't own any sneakers. Not until recently. Here. I'll draw a word picture showing my shoe history since birth.

Leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, fake ass shoes.

Now I'm poncing around in these stupid shoes.

I feel like an idiot.

So here's the thing.  I looked for days, through thousands of photos of shoes, it seems like, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, hundreds and hundreds of times. Good Lord there are a lot of butt-ugly soft shoes all over everywhere like they're the only things that count.

And finally I found one that's halfway acceptable. More like a fourth way acceptable. Maybe an eighth way acceptable. Barely acceptable. Something I could almost be caught dead in.

I wore them in public. For a few minutes.

And no one looked askance, no one smirked, pointed and laughed. It was like I was normal. How bizarre! Like moving to Louisiana and everyone's going around saying "y'all," and I mean everyone, a clear violation of locution that even prepubescent boys know is wrong. So I thought to myself if I'm going to fit in here then I had better get with the program and speak as the natives do. So I tossed a y'all into a sentence and nobody noticed anything odd. Exact same thing with these butt-f'k'n stupid ass shoes.

It took days of looking through photos to find these.

Skechers Escape Plan, brown/green.

The other colors are worse. 

Amazon is out of brown/green. Zappos is out of brown/green. Skechers is out of brown/green. Skechers Outlet is out of brown/green. Overstock is out of brown/green. Walmart is out of brown/green. Sears is out of brown/green. JC Penney is out of brown/green. eBay is out of brown/green. Shoes.com is out of brown/green. Macy's is out of brown/green. Shoe Carnival is out of brown/green. Shoe Sensation is out of brown/green.

I'm starting to think that everyone is out of brown/green.

Famous Footwear is out of brown/green. Bobstores is out of brown/green. Real Mens Shoes is out of brown/green. France is out of Escape Plan brown/green. Poland is out of Escape Plan brown/green. England is out of Escape Plan brown/green. Italy is out of Escape Plan brown/green. Germany is out of Escape Plan brown/green. Japan is out of Escape Plan brown/green. 

I'm becoming a little bit discouraged. 

North Vietnam is out of Escape Plan brown/green. Russia is out of Escape Plan brown/green. Israel is out of Escape Plan brown/green. Mexico is out of Escape Plan brown/green. Canada is out of Escape Plan brown/green. Brazil is out of Escape Plan brown/green. 

So I'm sitting here thinking, you know what? This is f'k'd up. 

It's not possible to have all those dumb ass shoes out there and ONE shoe that I pick out is so hotly demanded and so cooly suppled that the whole world has photos and offers but say they are out of stock. This whole business is fraudulent bait and switch. They get you to spend your time looking then offer you something worse. 

So I got the blue and black ones. But I want the goddamn brown and green ones. And now I think they exist only in pictures. 

I'm going back to leather soon as I can.

Shoe shopping is 100% whacked. 

My favorite shoes are buffalo. Made by Trask. I wore down the soles. They're the type that you can have repaired. But I'd like to have another similar pair. But Trask went out of business. The business was a personal labor of love. And then the guy fell out of love. 

But then someone else bought the business and they're back!

But their shoes look like shit. 

No, wait, I'm wrong. I found one that's similar to the ones that I love. Hey! Here we go. Look, if you ever want an ace pair of shoes please allow me to recommend these. I'm certain you'll love them.