Friday, November 25, 2016

Hell needs a new PA Announcer.

Forcas: Will you be interviewing any new announcers my dread Lord. It has been a while.
Lucifer: Yeah we might as well. I am tired of doing it all. I am the Devil for crying out loud. I should be sitting around getting a blow job from an intern. Or golfing or something. You know what all the big shot demons from Hell do when they are in charge. Let's get someone else in here to make the announcements. Who do we have in the last bus?
Forcas: Well we have several people that will be coming in. We have a beloved diminutive rock star.  
Lucifer: Holy shit. That drunken loser Billy Joel is here? That’s great. He has to know he has to pay off on that deal that got a garden troll banging Christie Brinkley.
Forcas: No Sire it is not the Piano Man. He is still busy touring the music he wrote before 1985. We have the bi-sexual formerly known as Prince.
Lucifer: Oh that Purple Pansy. Who cares? Who else you got?
Forcas: We have Gwen Ifill the PBS anchor and one of your most loyal worshipers.
Lucifer: That loser. I hate ass kissers. What am I Trump? I want someone with a little juice and that bitch is as far away from juicy as you can get. Who else is on the bus?

Forcas: Well we have America’s Favorite TV Mom.
Forcas: No my Dread Lord. The other one. Mrs. Brady.
Florence Henderson: (slides down the stairwell to hell and tumbles at the feet of Satan and his right hand fallen angel Forcas. Her dress flys up and everone can see the crotchless panties she is wearing with the leather garter belt. Mrs. Brady was a freak.) Oh my goodness. What’s going on here? One minute I was walking to a bright light and met a man in a robe with a clipboard and the next thing I know a trap door opens and I am like Danny Bonaduce when he runs out of crack. 
Lucifer: Welcome to hell sweetie. You are gonna be spending a lot of time suffering. I mean it is not as bad as having to kiss a gay guy with Aids on TV but it is pretty bad. Heh.
Florence Henderson: Wait a minute! I’m in Hell? Why that is so groovy! I couldn’t wait to get to Hell. This is gonna be great. I get to suck and fuck the worst people in History. I can give Hitler a Rusty Trombone. Rim jobs for Sacco and Vanzetti. I can even deep throat Jack Kennedy. That should be easy since he has the luck of the Irish and dick like a pipe cleaner. When do we start banging Lucy!
Lucifer: Don’t call my Lucy! You dumb skank. Well you sure are a dirty girl. What makes you think you are here to have fun? You are here to suffer bitch. I know. Forcas. Take her to the preacher’s room and have hang out with Cotton Mather and Jerry Falwell and that asshole who was banging Jessica Hahn. Dem there guys are the worst bangs in hell. Oh yeah. Send her husband Mr. Brady in there too. I want to see a full orgy toot suite. Go to it.
Forcas: Yes Sire. (Two burley demons grabbed her by the pussy and dragged her away. Strangely enough she seemed to enjoy it.)
Lucifer: Well that was different. You don’t usually get people who want to come to Hell. Make sure she doesn’t enjoy herself.
Forcas: Very well my lord. Who will we have announcing today?
Lucifer: Get Lindsey Nelson in here. I want to play tic tac toe on his jacket. With my piss. You gotta make the best out of it you can amirite?


chickelit said...

I just hope that Eve Plumb outlives you!

windbag said...

Meanwhile, Fidel is waiting in the wings.

Trooper York said...

I have to revise this and work some Wesson Oil into it.