A Different World

“It is a pleasure to finally meet you Mr. President. I have looked forward to this for a long time.”

“Please call me Donald. I want us to be friends. I want our two great countries to be friends.”

“Of course Donald and you should call me Vlad. I was so happy that you defeated that demented Harpy in your elections. I did not look forward to long negotiating sessions with her. She is incontinent you know. Her adult diapers always smelled. It was trying.”

“Oh no doubt about it. I have heard great things about you from Mikhail Dmitrievith Prokhorov ever since he started coming to my casinos. I helped him get the Nets you know.  I know he ran against you in the last election but that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. After all I have Little Marco come over to shine my shoes all the time.”

“I think we have the same thoughts about our rivals Donald. Just the same as our countries. We have no permanent allies …….only permanent interests.”

“Bingo Vlad. Bingo. I wanted to start a new era in the relations of our two countries. You know I don’t think that the American people realize the depth of the suffering and sacrifice that the Russian people made in the fight against the Nazi’s. For the longest time your people were the bulwark against these Nazi hordes until we could organize an invasion. The suffering of you people and the sacrifices they made are an untold story. Of course the unfortunate Communist era intervened and led to a long era of bad feelings and suspicions that war mongers like that loser Bill Kristol like to wave like a bloody shirt. I am going to do my best to inform the American people and change their attitude toward you and the Russian people.”

“That would be wonderful if you could do that Donald. Imagine if our two countries worked together instead of in opposition to each other. But I think I know a little bit about you. You don’t do something without a return. It is a deal is it not?”

“You do know me Vlad. We are facing an enemy just as bad as the Nazi’s ever were. The Muslim fanatics who want to set up a caliphate are just as evil and crazy as any goose-stepping Kraut. If anything the Krauts are in bed with them since they are letting them take over their country. We need to smack them down. Hard. Together. Not get in each other’s way. Russia and America together. Smashing these disgusting towel heads back to the Stone Age where they belong.”

“But what of the opposition in the United States. The people of your own party who hate us and whip up fear and loathing of the Russian people.”

“Bill Kristol and the neo-con cuckservatives again. They are just as much my enemy and the enemy of the American people as they are your enemy. They never found a war they didn’t like to start to have our boys die so they can look like tough guys. They want to build nations with monkeys that a zookeeper would shoot if they saw them with a kid in a pool. Chicken hawk pussies that they are. I will smash them don’t you worry. My people are not interested in nation building. We are interested in not getting attacked in our shopping malls and movie theaters. Just like you.”
“That sounds about right. But I think we need to make it worth both our whiles for our people to accept this new relationship.”

“Of course Vlad. Money talks and bullshit walks. Look who is our common enemy? Those dirty camel jockeys. So let’s smash them flatter than Angelina Jolie’s cut off tits. Here’s what we do. We put kick ass tariffs on OPEC oil. We both supply a shit pot full of oil.  I will smack around those Europukes to get them to put in a pipeline and to buy your oil. The Pollacks and the Hungarians and them will go along if I give them guaranties. We will both boycott the Arab oil and use our vastly increased domestic production from fracking. Put yuge taxes on Oil that comes from Saudi’s and the rest of those fuckers. We will drive these fucking sheiks back to fucking their camels instead of white girls they kidnap from Europe. Liam Neeson told me all about it. So let’s screw them good. Everybody wins. We are allies again. You can kill as many camel jockeys in Syria as you want. Just leave the hebes alone. We both need accountants right? Otherwise knock yourselves out. Make some money. Get laid. You don’t need to worry about the Ukraine. When the Russian people see that you have the respect and affection of the American People you will get 99% of the vote instead of the 92% of the vote you get now. You will be a hero. I will be a hero. We can send out for heroes and have a party. Let’s be friends.”

“That sounds great Donald. This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

“Cool. Let’s go outside and smack the mo’s in the press around for a little while. It will be fun!”

“Da. It is good.”