Taking photos using an IPad.
Having a group of people sing "Happy Birthday" to you.
Having a wheeling backpack.
Chasing a ping pong ball.
Turning around in a hallway because you forgot something.
Picking up dog shit.
Using your other hand to throw something...
Unless you are a trained ambidextrous...
17 comments:
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Every one of these actions - including picking up dog shit - can be performed cooly as long as they're done WITHOUT SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS. That's basic Zen, man.
A Martian flies to earth in his flying saucer. He sees two animals walking on either end of a string. One animal is carrying the poop of the other animal. Which animal is the boss?
And that, my friends, is why I can walk my dog and look cool - that which the dog leaves behind stays behind.
Our Hebrew zen master has spoken! And he is wise.
Losing a pop fly in the sun. A helpless and scary event.
Changing a diaper. The uncoolest looking thing to do.
Develop the muscles in both side of the body. Yeah, muscle memory. As much, maybe more, it trains the other side of the brain. In a way, it trains the other brain.
The ballplayer must have a fantastically well managed corpus callosum. Man, did you see that guy's corpus callosum?
This happened with handwriting at the very beginning when I discovered that writing backward the pencil lead is the thing making my hand filthy because I'm dragging my hand over the thing that I wrote going backwards. Unacceptable! It ruins the whole thing. The solution, duh, is do that with the left hand. And pull away from your writing, never getting graphite all over my hand. Thus clean hand backward writing was found. But don't tell anyone. This is between us, both parents and teacher were united in attitude and clear instruction, KNOCK IT OFF!
When I learned fingerspelling I practiced in stereo constantly. Both hands were developed equally at the same time. It was winter. I kept my hands in my coat pockets and spelled every thought as I walked along until I could spell very fast, a few weeks. And the whole time I was thinking and a bit worried, sure hope nobody notices my hands fiddling in my coat pockets all the time as I walk or they'll think I'm perving myself.
Along the way I discovered a few phrases that are fantastic when finger spelled. Better than when spoken and better than when written. Here's one to do without pauses. SOMEONEWONSOMEMONEY.
Eating pizza with a fork.
Allen, That should be illegal.
It's a crime against nature, Nick.
Meth, Seeing men throwing w/ their off hand makes them look like our Prez. I coached baseball for decades. The first thing I would do is go over the proper mechanics for throwing. Even when I coached Legion, I would spend a short time going over proper mechanics. As I've said, I coached softball for a few years and taught girls to throw NOT like girls. I coached one girl who was not very good @ all. This was middle school recreation. But, the girl was a serious dancer and knew her body well. She picked up the proper mechanics immediately. She couldn't hit off a fucking tee, or catch worth a damn but the girl knew how to throw. Years later, the girl's in high school, watching my daughter play a varsity game. She got a foul ball in the stands and made a perfect throw back to the ump. Made me smile.
One of the nicest things to happen to me is on occasion to have a former player come up to me on the street, in the store, in a fucking bar, and thank me for teaching them baseball and a bit about life. Baseball is a verbal sport. Lots of time to chat on the bench. I would talk current events, history, science, all sorts of stuff w/ kids.
Did you play baseball, meth? Adult softall? In WI they have a good adult baseball league. Lot's of 20-40 years old guys. But, baseball in San Diego is much more competitive. I had a foot DR out here who tried to recruit me to play on his over 60 team a few years ago. They play @ UCSD. The guy died of cancer recently. From Pittsburgh originally.
I played baseball, football, soccer (fuck you euros), and softball. I haven't played any sports for a long while. I'd like to get into an adults oriented league and we have a huge softball/soccer adults leagues all over the county and these people take this shit seriously.
Losing a pop fly in the sun. A helpless and scary event.
For extra humiliation how about doing it while in a yankee uniform at a world series with the boss looking on.
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