My dear Holmes,
It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you know it has been several years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and over a year since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance in an entirely different matter.
It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you know it has been several years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and over a year since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance in an entirely different matter.
Her Majesty has specifically tasked the Yard with finding a way
to stop the re-election of the Marquis of Salisbury to another term as Prime
Minister. The Queen feels that there must be something in his background that
would disqualify him in the eyes of the public and if it were to be revealed
his support would fall away and a more genteel choice might be proffered. You
will be familiar with the recent contempt’s relating to the racial remarks made
by the Marquis in which he said that white constituents could and would never
be served by the election of a “black man.” This appalled her Majesty and all
and sundry toadies, lickspittles and garden workers. The Queen demands that the
discourse of her ministers be above approach and correct in all political jots
and tittles. The speaking of unvarnished opinion which might be true but which are
distasteful to a delicate sensibility must be eradicated and the speakers
silenced and shunned by polite society. She expects the members of the press
and her government to enforce this dictate or she will make her displeasure
felt in no uncertain terms.
In addition her Majesty demands the reins of government be put
back in the hands of that strata of society that is destined to control the
masses. The common man must be kept in his place and anyone who represents their
interest over that of the aristocracy must be throttled in the crib. They are
not of “our kind” and must be silenced and controlled at all cost. The Marquis
of Salisbury’s vulgar popularity is a thorn in her side. It is ridiculous that
his popularity rests on his invention of a vulgar common repast that is the
most popular choice in the pubs of the Empire. The “Salisbury” steak’s
popularity is such that the common people worship the Marquis as a star in
their own version of reality. Who would think that a faux steak of chopped meat
would lead to political power of this degree? It passes understanding.
Therefore her Majesty requests that you investigate the Marquis
and find something that would end his political career. I am sure that there is
something there. We just have to find it.
Please give my best to your brother Mycroft who I recall has
moved to countryside of Yorkshire to work on his art and his new venture in
prepared sandwich shops. You can be sure that they do not serve Salisbury
Steaks in those fine establishments. I
know that he endeavored to move to the country in the hope that it would be
salubrious and conducive to his health. I just pray that he can confine his
attentions to farm animals and cease his attentions to young boys that has led
to the recent unpleasantness with the Metropolitan Police. I do not know if I
can smooth over another incident. Especially if it occurs in the countryside.
As you know goats don’t lie. Or speak. A word to the wise.
I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898
3 comments:
I hated the TV dinner version of the salisbury steak as a kid. I used to slip pieces of it to my dog under the table when nobody was looking. That made it look like I had finished my "plate."
It is amazing how history lends itself to political commentary of the current day. It constantly amazes me.
Best meal I had as a kid was when the family would go to a German restaurant - Gebhardt's - located in Ridgewood, Queens, very close to the Brooklyn border. Anyway, the meal was very simple, Chopped Steak, which was really no more than a giant hamburger but really good quality meat. It was so good that they presented it just as is, no gravy, maybe some onions and mushrooms on it but that's all. And simple side veggies, mashed potatoes, creamed spinach, apple sauce. A very straightforward meal.
We lived in East New York so to get to Ridgewood we drove up and through Highland Park, then a short way on Eastern Parkway and then I think Cypress Hills Road or Boulevard that took us across the immense endless unbelievable Cypress Hills Cemetery and then down the other side to Ridgewood. A trip that's totally imprinted somewhere in my brain. Sounds morbid the cemetery part but to a kid it wasn't.
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