Laura Bush's Diary

March 29, 2011

The twins and I were out at Costco picking up the Lone Star and Salsa and the Mountain Dew for W to enjoy while we are watching the NCAA tournament. W loves his basketball and we always watch all the games. So the twins come over and we all sit around and watch the games and root for our favorites. We all fill out bracket pools and stuff but we always pick a team that we root for if our Alma Maters are eliminated which often happens right quick. The only problem is if W’s parents are around because that nasty old Barb steals the remote and puts on the rasslen’ matches. She always goes on and on “Why are we watching a bunch a nigra’s in short pants running around going ape when WWE Raw is on.” So we have to keep the remote away from her.

Anyhoo we are sitting around the patio and the red phone starts to ring. Now it wasn’t Commissioner Gordon or anything like that. It is the direct line to the White House. You see Barry had it installed in case he needed to talk to W about something. He is pretty unsure about what to do so when he wants to do something he calls up W so he can do the same thing. You know like jugging the ragheads in Gitmo or sending those drones up the ass of the towel heads in Pakistan. Or giving away the store to Wall Street and what not. You see Barry doesn’t have many ideas and is really a pretty lazy fuck. I mean he likes the ceremonial part of the job but he hates to make decisions and shit. So he just calls up W and does whatever he tells him. It’s almost like W was Cheney or something. I mean he is more in charge than when he was president for fucks sake.

So W goes in the library and talks for about an hour and when he comes out he is chuckling. So I go “What’s up darling…is Barry gonna invade Iran or something?” “Nah nothing cool like that Laura. He is going after Daffy Khadafy. And guess what? He is instituting a “No Fly Zone.”

We both started laughing our ass off which really confused the fuck out of the twins.

You see W and I first met because what you might call a no-fly zone.

I had told you about the days I was working the peep shows in New York with Robyn Byrd and sharing an apartment with her and Joey Heatherton and Anita Gillette. And I know I told you how Joey would get gigs through her dad the Merry Mailman’s connection at WPIX. Now Joey didn’t have the big entourage or act like she did later when she was blowing Bob Hope. When she needed backup singers or dancers we would fill in. Like the time Robyn hooked up with Meyer Lansky. So we were always down with a road trip.

So this one July day Joey bursts into Show World and goes “Let’s go bitches. I got us an all expenses paid trip to California. And it is all because of you Robyn.” “How did that happen Joey?” “Well your pal Meyer got me the gig. It’s at some fancy resort with a lot of bigwigs and we are gonna make a lot of scratch.” ROAD TRIP.

So we put on our leather mini-skirts and push up bras and halter tops and got on the airplane going into Los Angeles hoping to pick up a couple of keys while we were out there. Meyer picks us up in a limo and takes us out on a long drive to Frisco. You see they wanted to have plausible deniability and Meyer was having a beef with the Falcone family in Frisco so we had to drive there from LA.

We finally get out to this one horse town called Monte Rio and pull up to this joint with all these log cabin type thingys. But what was weird was that it looked all rustic on the outside but the inside had the best furnishings you ever did see. Robyn always wants to know what’s going on and goes to Meyer “Hey baby what is this place?” “It’s a campground for the biggest gonifs in the world” growled Meyer “They call it the Bohemian Grove.”

Now what it was is a joint where all the biggest of big shots in business and government and what have you got to relive their days in summer camp. They like to sing songs and pee on trees and run around naked. You see it was a real “no-fly” zone. Shitfire it was a no pants zone. All these old dudes running around with no clothes on. I mean we saw Ronald Reagan and Vice President Nixon right before he ran for Governor and J Edgar Hoover who had a ball sack like a basset hound. Anyhoo we were hustled into the back and got into costumes which were basically a bra and really tight panties. And then they took us out to the lake where there was this big statue of an owl. All of these old dudes were around drinking and smoking cigars. Let me tell you that Ronnie Reagan was one fine lookin’ man back then. We go up on the stage and Joey starts singing and strutting around and we vamped in the background and trusted out our tits and twats even though most of the men weren’t paying much attention. It actually seemed really gay. Especially the guys hanging around Jay Edgar Hoover. He kept touching this guy who I later found out was Al Gore Sr. who had the FBI director doing some global warming on his schlong. But there were a couple of guys who were checking us out.

You see there was an after party with just a few people invited in a cabin behind the lake. Meyer was there and Edsel Ford who owned Ford Motor Company and some dude who owned Boning and a couple of distinguished looking politician guys. One of them pulled me over on his lap as he sat on the couch. He was sort of feeling me up but you know that goes with the territory when you get a gig like that. He was rubbing my ass and squeezed my tits and tweaked my nipples and then strangely enough he looked at my teeth? I was getting freaked out. So I goes to him “What’s up pops, do you think I am a horse you are gonna buy or something?” “No my dear. I was just looking to see if you were healthy and strong. You look like just the kind of girl I want to fix up with my grandson. You have a good head on your shoulders and he is a real wild one. But eventually he will calm down and he needs someone who can keep up with him till he is ready to settle down and dry out. Meyer says you are a real smart girl and that you would be perfect and since Meyer is always right I will follow his advice.” “Thanks Daddy but I can find my own boys.” “Oh I think you will like my grandson very much. Why don’t you just give it a chance. I will set you up in school because Meyer says you want to go back to school and that you are very smart. So this is a done deal. Now why don’t you just give me a little wank and then you can scoot.”

So as we are driving back to the airport I ask Meyer “Who was that crazy old coot Meyer?” “Why that is Prescott Bush. He is one of the seven guys on the Trilateral Commission who basically control the world. So you better do whatever he says. Man even Albert and Charley are scared of him.”

Which is how I ended up going back to school. I got the word that I should pick out something demure and all so I became a Librarian. I was introduced to W and the rest was history. Of course later I told him all about it. You see we have no secrets. But we always laugh about it because I got to meet him only because I ran into his grandfather in a “no-fly” zone.

Imagine that.