My mom finds it rude and uncaring that I don't make personal inquiries of the details of people's lives when I chat with them.
For instance, after telling her I saw an old friend, she'll ask questions about their life, job, family members, etc., and finds it self-absorbed of me that I don't ask after these things myself. I find that type of conversation nosy, and let people volunteer such information if they want to. I will ask, "How are you?" like anyone else, but I don't say, "How's your parent/child/spouse/pet/job/health issues?" I generally talk to people about "stuff," and personal anecdotes may or may not be a part of any conversation.
Who is right here? Should I be more solicitous of people, or just stick to my ways?
Friday, June 5, 2015
"Carolyn Hax: My mom thinks I'm rude for not asking people more questions"
Dear Carolyn:
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7 comments:
You have such offbeat reading tastes, Lem
Not all of us are Chatty Cathy, eager to lap up every miniscule detail of other peoples' lives.
Some even think it's none of our business.
Some are just reticent.
Mother Dear needs to remember not everybody is as nosy as she is or thinks it's even a virtue.
Doesn't everybody have this kind of trouble ;)
When people try to engage me in conversation and start asking all those questions. How is your husband/kids/pet? What are they doing now? Are you retired/still working? Etc.
I think. WTF is this a conversation or an inquisition. If the topic comes up or I know the person well enough I might start discussing it. Maybe.
Well, Nosy is right here. His/her mother finds it rude and uncaring that he doesn't prod into peoples personal details during conversations when she asks Nosy about them. What sort of person thinks it's rude and uncaring not to pry into peoples business by not asking them these personal details? If she wants to know, then she should ask herself and leave her child out of the equation. Otherwise, since Nosy and the person he/she is talking to are having a conversation amongst themselves and the queries are whatever they need to be within the context of that conversation. If his/her mother wanted it to be an inquisition, then she should give him/her a list of probative queries to include in the conversation to bring back to her during her period of inquest.
Otherwise, she is just going to get the basic facts as her child knows them based on the conversation they had with this other person.
Relationship is a dance, a mutual expression of interest and regard. A move this way, followed by a move that way in which one responds to another, and the potential for mutual respect, enjoyment, expression and connection is realized.
How are you? is the opening move, the verbal extension of a hand being offered, which the the other may choose to dismiss as meaningless, shake, hold, lightly touch or grab onto and pull closer. For some, engagement involves a verbal slap of the symbolic hand to the head to see if the other will punch back or cringe in retreat, which is a more primal form of dance to establish dominance rather than connection.
In my book, connection is everything. To give and receive in connection with self, others and a higher power leads to exchanges that result in the greatest joys and sorrows a human can experience. And it all starts with openness expressed in body language, inquiry, interest, and revelation.
Small talk is for small people.
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