Revenge of the Gummi Bears

Gummi Bears.  Yummy, sweet, tasty wonderful Gummi Bears.  Happy and colorful, sure to put a smile on your face.  A nice treat at home, or in the workplace, or while driving.  You love them, I love them, kids love them, the whole world loves Gummi Bears.

The sugar in delicious Gummi Bears can be a teensy weensy issue for folks watching their weight or their blood sugar or their body mass index or their abs or whatever.  But not to worry!  The fine, fine people at Haribo make a super-tasty sugar-free version; a change in the recipe so subtle that not even the most addicted Gummi Bears eater can tell whether it's the sugar or the not-sugar that makes the ethereal sweet flavor.

That might be hyperbole.  Slightly.  There are some differences, as noted in the reviews posted at Amazon.  Small stuff, really.

What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

What? Couldn't be.  It must have been something he or she ate for dinner, not the Gummi Bears.  Let's look at a different review.

When I got these, I couldn't contain my excitement and I ate about a quarter of a bag. Scenes from the movie 2012 could have been filmed inside my gut. There would have been less pressure to make two winning free throws in the NBA finals than for gas to escape my bowels. After a few hours, I had an EXTREME build-up of gas with no relief. All I could do was lie on my bed and pray for a fart. That might sound funny, but when you've eaten something that has basically turned you into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka, you're pleading for relief. Well, the farts came and I lived through it but I not only had a visit from the fart fairy, but the sales rep from Montezuma's Revenge stopped by and gave me a FULL demo of their services as well.

Sometimes people make stuff up, ya know?  Really, you can't trust some of these reviews.  Let's keep looking.

That's where things started to go wrong. Thrust increased, to be sure, hammering the porcelain, but the exhaust flow became turbulent. It was also becoming asymmetric. The signal came from below, "The engines cannae take any moor, Cap'n!" (I have no idea why my arse has a Scottish accent.)

Fuel flow dropped off and the nozzle output dropped to merely 10%, with some damage to the combustion chamber

 Say.....maybe there's some truth in these reviews.  But...how could these Gummi Bears be repurposed?  How could they be used for the general good?

I am getting these and taking them to work. Good times to be had shortly and I will sit back and enjoy the explosion of a show.

Or even better...

I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude.

Heh.  Go here to read all of the reviews.  Best product reviews I've ever seen on Amazon.  And happy shopping! Keep a bowl of Gummi Bears on your desk in the office.