Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Melaina Trump's Diary

Another Tuesday and another big win for my Donald. He cleaned up in Arizona. Won all of the delegates in a closed primary with almost a majority of voters. All things that fat shit Karl Rove said he couldn't do. There is nothing Donald can’t do. Well he couldn’t do Rosie O’Donnell but then who would?

Now we lost to Teddy in Utah. All of those cult people with the funny underwears voted the way their bosses told them to vote. Donald never thought he could win the Mormon vote since the chief carrot salad eater Mitt Romney put out the word that nobody should vote for us. Mitt is enjoying being a tough guy now. He has a lot to say. Didn’t say shit when he was running against Obama. I think he was afraid of him because he was a black guy so he didn’t say shit even when Obama took a dump in his mouth. But he is feeling it now in dissing Donald because all of his tough guy buddies are egging him on. Bill Kristol. Johan Whaleberg. George Will. Wheelchair guy. Boy that would be some street gang doncha think?


Donnie got all upset that Ted Cruz used one of his PACS to send out a racy photo of me to all the Mormons. They took a shot from one of my modeling gigs where I was naked and said “Is this who you want as First Lady.” Now what is funny is that any red blooded American boy would say “Of course we want that sweet piece of ass as First Lady……we are tired of Klingon looking nasty faced ho’s!” They kind of defeated their purpose. Unless their purpose was to give little Mormon boys something to whack their bags to instead of vintage Marie Osmond posters. Donnie is so cute. He got pissed that Ted is trying to say something bad about me. As though I care. I am proud of my body. Donald is proud of my body. Slovenia is proud of my body. Slut shaming doesn’t work. Donnie got pissed because he really loves me and doesn't want me dragged into this dirty political stuff.

Of course when he gets mad he went off all half cocked. Which is unfortunate because he has to be full cocked or you don’t feel anything. Oh sorry. TMI. Anyhoo Donnie threatened to “spill the beans about Ted Cruz’s wife Heidi.” He shouldn't have done that. I feel really bad about Heidi and her situation. I mean I thought she was the typical Heidi. Pigtails. Yodeling. Silver skates.  Parents in the SS. But she had a whole different deal.

You see Ted is very mean to her. Not a surprise as he is mean to everyone. Compared to him Frank Underwood is Mr. Rogers. Everybody in Washington hates the Ted monster. The other Senators. The members of the House. Waiters. He is just a mean cheap fuck. He took all of Heidi’s money that she saved up when she was working as an investment banker. He still is taking her money. I think he takes money out of her purse to get his haircuts. He is so mean that she went psycho. And we have all the records.

You see that perv Roger Stone that used to work for us has contacts in the Dark Net and all the porno sites in the Western World. So he had a lot of opposition research that we could use against some of the other candidates. Not that we would. That would be wrong. Donnie would just casually mention what we had at a debate and wadda ya know the next thing you know the guy would drop out. The photo of Bobby Jindal blowing some guy in Boston in an alley near Fenway Park while petting a rare clumber. The one of Scott Walker wearing a rubber catsuit while he was fucking a wheel of cheddar while some Law professor and a guy in overalls watched and whacked off into a Kotex. And of course Chris Christie dressed as a furry. Grizzly man. In every sense of the word.

So when Donnie was pissed he threatened to “spill the beans.” You see we have a video of when Heidi went to Arkham Asylum after she tried to hurt herself. She was heavily medicated and was into some wild stuff. We have a video of her in a three way with Barbara Kean and the Penguin. Nasty stuff. Too nasty for us to let out there. Donnie was just blowing off steam. Some things are best left unsaid. Or unseen.

Nobody wants to see Chris Christie having sex. Seriously. It hurts your eyes.


18 comments:

AllenS said...

Maybe their underwear is just too tight.

Methadras said...

Now, that's a first lady I can get behind. Literally. Want. To. Get. Behind.

Trooper York said...

Or on top.

No she could be on top.

Trooper York said...

Whatever.

They have to realize that this was a stupid unforced error. Of course Teddy washed his hands of it.

After all that is traditional this time of year.

windbag said...

Wowzers. We haven't had hot like that in the White House since Pat Nixon. She'd melt the First Lady panties, if she even bothered to try them on.

The Dude said...

I thought Heb's wife was the mexican - what's this about beans?

As for tradition, besides curling and huffing maple syrup, what other traditions do Canucks have? Ted needs to move back to America's hat where he belongs.

edutcher said...

I linked this earlier, but, if we're talking about the UT caucus, here's what it looked like on the ground.

Add to that the experimental Internet voting was counted by Dr Evil's minions and you have an idea of how the One True Ted really one.

Meade said...

Have any of you actually seen the offending ad put out by Cruz? How bad is it?

You had to see it to get here.

You tell us.

Bleach Drinkers Curing Coronavirus Together said...

He thinks that's actually going to work?

What a ridiculous douche.

Joe Biden, America's Putin said...

It's like I'm looking in the mirror.


(*cough*)

Trooper York said...

I know. But I deleted him anyway.

rcocean said...

Funny - but of course "spill the beans" means talking about her shenanigans at Goldman Sachs. They don't hire people with ethics.

edutcher said...

That would kill the whole outsider thing.

That and his long history with the Bush family and her connection to the CFR and how they brag about how they're the first Bush marriage.

Kinda makes you think ol' Ted's the second bush candidate of '16, don't it?

William said...

Has anyone ever rubbed one out to an image of the First Lady. It seems wrong and vaguely incestual.

Meade said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
edutcher said...

I said she was a looker.

Anything beyond an aesthetic appreciation, agreed to by historians, is all in his mind.

Which one might imagine would be focused on his wife.

Evi L. Bloggerlady said...

May we live in interesting times!

Methadras said...

Meade said...

How to put on a bra.


Meade's wish fulfillment come to life. I'm sure he wishes he could do the same thing.

The Dude said...

Yet another necessary clerihew:

Lawnboy Larry Meadey
Is exorbitantly needy
Who can blame that lowly creature
He's married to a blotto teacher.